Fruit Fly News: Thanksgiving Day In Jail

Good evening and welcome to Fruit Fly News, my name is Frizzie McBee.

In the news today we have learned that a human rights group based in the United States has filed a lawsuit against the US Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld in Germany. Under German law, lawsuits against any crime originating anywhere in the world, can be filed. To make matters worse for the former Secretary of Defense, the Center for Constitutional Rights has more evidence of torture in Guantanamo and the Presidential act of firing Mr. Rumsfeld in their favor as the same lawsuit was filed in 2004 and rejected.

Mr. Ratner plans to include the testimony of Al-Qahtani among other things to present if the German courts decide to persuit the case.

“Al-Qahtani was a man who the US alleged is al-Qaeda, who is in Guantanamo. The entire torture log of al-Qahtani over a period of two months was exposed,” Mr Ratner told the BBC.

Hearing this news has caused a great deal of excitment throughout the country with the most noteable question: “What is life like for prisoners in European countries?” For more on this, we go to our foreign correspondent; Timmy von Furstenberg. Timmy, what can you tell us?

Hello Frizzie! I’m here in Duesseldorf and I haven’t seen this much excitement in years! Berliners, remembering the war crimes of sixty years ago, are showing their enthusiasm that this man Donald Rumsfeld by having parades and a beer celebration called “Oktoberfest”.

That’s wonderful news Timmy, but about their jail system. Do they have chain-gangs? Are their jails more brutal than ours? Will Mr. Rumsfeld have to protect himself with a shiv? …say an old toothbrush where the handle has been made into a stabbing device?

No Frizzie, I’m afraid not. This is Europe! This the land of “über-liberals” who have no shame and to make matters worse; they’re socialists! Here, Germans love to go to jail! Many of them go to jail for their yearly vacation in exchange for going to someplace dangerous… say Disney World or Miami!

“The Donald”, as they’ve nicknamed him here will have no problems, unless he forgets his sunscreen. It does get warm here in central Germany.

And finally Timmy, if they did arrest him and he was found guilty of war crimes, do you know what jail or penitentiary he will be sent?

Yes Frizzie. Germany has a great big prison for all of those Nazi’s that were rounded up at the end of World War II. Most of those prisoners have died, serving out their own life sentance. So, that gives more room for Germans to go take their vacations, as well as give up some acreage for “The Donald’s” prison cell. I’ve been told that there will be plenty of room for him to play golf and install an Olympic sized pool. I won’t give you the name of the jail in German, but in English it translates: “The Jail That’s For Really Really Really Bad People and Those that Just Need a Vacation”. Frizzie, back to you.

Thank you Timmy.

In other news, Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) is calling for renewing the Military Draft. Congressman Rangle was quoted by saying; “ I have a great idea: Let’s re-instate the draft and write it so that only crazy Republican congressmen and women are the ones that get drafted.” Wouldn’t that be a hoot?! It would be just lovely to see Senator Elizabeth Dole in a “pickle” on a boot camp somewhere in Fayetteville, North Carolina.”

While Bush is sucking the life out of our troops with back-door drafts, extended tours of duty, and recalling grandmothers to return to military, all it took was Charlie Rangel (D-NY) to murmur about “the Draft” and the rich and wealthy dove deep into a vicious rant. Paris Hilton was quoted to say:

“Oooo!! Those horrible and nasty Liberals!!! How dare they insist that we ‘serve’…. We don’t ‘serve’… We don’t even know how to serve!! Duh!!!!”

Meanwhile, the Republicans are already building up their war chest to tar and feather both Congresswoman Nancy Pilosi (D-CA) and Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) with a coordinated effort.

“Two years of Pelosi gives a good idea of what four years of Hillary will be like,” said Tom DeLay [while picking out the drapes for his own jail-cell], the Republican powerbroker who ran his party in the House before he was caught up in a lobbyist corruption scandal. ” They are both committed liberals and we will make that clear to the American people.”

So, the expection from the Democratically controlled Congress will be simple. Nancy Pilosi will be stealing tons of money from Indian casinos, and rumors will fly speculating on Hillary Clinton’s sexual orientation because she’s emailing her Congressional pages. And in two years time Senator Clinton, Reid and Kerry give away Habeus Corpus again. This gives the Republican party plenty to crab and complain about the Democrats.

In other news, those Republicans who found themselves out of a job from the last-term election are busy with their personal closeted gay decorators. As Bob Noe, the GOP Fundraiser said; “Getting an 18 year jail sentance is along time! I have my needs you now!” Many Republicans are simply moving their office furniture and their files to their local penitentiary where they’ll await sentancing and transferring to the newly built “Republican Penetentiary”. Consider the newest Republican in Ohio that was slapped with a $139,000 fine and was given 18 years in jail. Tom Noe’s biggest expense was renovating his house in the Florida Keys. Of course, true to “Conservative Family Values”, Mr. Noe’s motto has been: “Spend tax payer money liberally on your vacation home, tell everybody that you’re a’ conservative’. The only people that will believe you… conservatives!”

Noe declined to make a statement before sentencing and stared blankly, his upper lip twitching, as his punishment was handed down.

Defense attorney John Mitchell had asked for the minimum 10-year sentence, saying that other high-profile criminals had received less time for taking more money. The lawyer also assured the judge that Noe’s offense “was a one-time crime.”

A speculative guess remains: That the judge heard the Defense attorney whining and hoping for a 10 year sentance and he gave it to him, but he added 8 years just for that trembling upper lip.

Nancy Grace and CNN Headline News is being sued by the Duckette family. You might remember that Melinda Duckette was grilled by Nancy Grace who all but accused her for the demise of her missing son. The following day, Ms Duckette shot herself in the head. CNN Headline News is keeping in step with the Rabid Right Wingers by saying:

“We stand by Nancy Grace and fully support her, as we have from the beginning of this matter.”

Alegedly, Nancy Grace called Ms. Duckette and encouraged her to come on the show, noting that it would increase visibility and more could be looking for her son. Ms. Duckette, unfortunately, was harassed by Nancy Grace and all but outright accused her of being the perpetrator.

Nancy Grace, who is a life-long careered prosecutor was asked how it will feel to be a defendant for the first time. Grace replied: “Oh don’t go there Sunshine…By the time I get done with the f@$@!!$$%^ prosecutor, he’ll be pleading ‘guilty’ for being a bed-wetter when he was 16!”

The warden of the Republican Penetentiary said they’ve built the facility to be co-ed. In the most bizarre fashion, we’ve learned that Nancy Grace has hired a lesbian to pick out the drapes for her jail cell.

Thank you for joining us tonight. As always, we appreciate your time and your interest. On behalf of the staff of Fruit Fly News, we wish you all a great Thanksgiving. My name is Frizzie McBee, good night.

Racism Is Fun! …Apparently.

Yesterday, Rep-Elect Keith Ellison (DFL-MN 5th Cong Dist) was interviewed on CNN Headline News by Glenn Beck. I have a hard time trying to figure out how Glenn Beck brings anything newsworthy, let alone him being on Headline News. In that conversation, Glenn Beck said to Mr.  Ellison:

“OK. No offense, and I know Muslims. I like Muslims. I’ve been to mosques. I really don’t believe that Islam is a religion of evil. I — you know, I think it’s being hijacked, quite frankly.

With that being said, you are a Democrat. You are saying, “Let’s cut and run.” And I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, “Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies.”

And I know you’re not. I’m not accusing you of being an enemy, but that’s the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way.”

Glenn Beck finishes the interview by pointing to the to number of Somalian immigrants that live in this district, hinting that the Congressman owes his newly elected position to them. He says: “I understand that. And I’m not asking you to. I’m wondering if you see that. You come from a district that is heavily immigrant with Somalians. And I think it’s wonderful, honestly, I think it is really a good sign that you are a — you could be an icon to show Europe, this is the way you integrate into a country. I think the Somalians coming out and voting is a very good thing. With that –”

Okay Mr. Beck, let’s put some facts on the table. Because it’s obvious that a.) you’re not a journalist – you are however, an idiot and b.) trying to paint the idea that Keith Ellison is a product from the “ghetto hood” makes you a freaking racist.

Fact: 75% of the population of Minnesota’s 5th District is White. Black and/or African American’s in this district constitutes 12% of the population. And of that population, only 11% are foreign born. Hinting that Keith’s district is because of the Somalian population is rediculous.

Fact:56% of the population of the 5th Congressional District voted for Keith Ellison. The Independant, Tammy Lee received 21% and the Republican candidate came in 3rd place.
Fact: Aside from Minneapolis itself, the 5th Congressional District includes affluent suburbs, including Richfield, Golden Valley, St Louis Park as well as blue collar communities such as Fridley, Crystal, Robbinsdale and New Hope.

Fact: Both of us voted for Ellison and we’re both white crackers.

Let’s all leave Glenn Beck and his racist (and homophobic) self aside and laugh at him for who and what he is…on “Headline News”, of all things.

Here in the 5th District, we have an internal fight going on with an African-American man (Chris Stewart) who is on the Minneapolis School Board put up a webpage that parodies the Independant Party candidate Tammy Lee. Personally, I think it’s hysterical because the author does an excellent job at pointing out some interesting facts of his own. And, he deserves the right to make fun of those facts.

Fact: ReNae Bowman (DFL), Mayor of Crystal (white), Mike Holtz (DFL) Mayor of Robbinsdale (white) and Gary Peterson (DFL), Mayor of Columbia Heights all crossed party lines by endorsing the Independant condidate Tammy Lee (who is…of course, white). While we’re pointing out white people, let us no forget that Hennipen County Sherrif Pat McGowan (white) and Hennipen County Commissioner Linda Kloblick (white) also endorsed “the pretty white chick” instead of Keith Ellison.

Fact: Both the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and the St Paul Pioneer Press ran a number of articles supporting Tammy Lee in the tones that made it appear that Keith Ellison’s lead up to the election would be handidly loss to her. I don’t need to point out that the Editorial Staff of both newspapers are white.
Fact: Keith Ellison is pro-Gay Marriage, while Tammy Lee wasn’t. Tammy Lee was pro-Same Sex Unions! And, the GLBT magazine of the Twin Cities Lavendar Magazine endorsed the “pretty white girl” instead of the DFL candidate who is a better fit for gays and lesbians throughout the United States!

The best part of that website is where he spoofs Tammy Lee saying we need more Appplebees and less Kentucky Fried Chicken if you know what I mean…. I was laughing my head off! That’s some pretty funny stuff.

Now, white people every where are ticked off… “How dare he do this!!” Now Chris Stewart has apologized, why I don’t know, but that isn’t good enough. The Minneapolis Star Tribune has announced that they think Stewart should resign from the school board!

“Just after last week’s election, before new board members take their seats, the DFL team suffered a setback. After the votes were counted, it came to light that Stewart helped design a racist, sexist website about a Fifth District congressional candidate. Stewart should step down. Though he has apologized, the site was so egregious we worry about his judgment and effectiveness in leading a district that has some racial healing to do.”

I don’t think Stewart should have to apologize anymore than Santa has to apologize for leaving lumps of coal in the Star Tribune’s stocking. Who’s got the racial problem here? I don’t think it’s Stewart!

Does the Star Tribune complain about South Park’s character “Chef” who calls the four little boys his “Favorite Crackers”.

Keith Ellison’s election seems to have brought out the worse in everybody. Glenn Beck is a stupid racist homophobic little pig, enough said. And, it should be Mayor Bowman, Mayor Holtz and Mayor Peterson should be the ones to apologize to both Keith Ellison and the DFL party. If they like the pretty white girl and her party’s stand on issues, they should get the hell out of the DFL party and get saddled up with the Independants.

I’m proud to have voted for Keith Ellison and I’m one of Chef’s “Favorite Little Crackers” too.

A Fruit Fly Rant: Arrogance

I’m not one to stand here and dump my opinion into cyerspace. I have much more enjoyment and satisfaction at creating oddball characters, putting them into oddball situtations all in an effort to make a statement. Personally, most blogs I don’t like or don’t pay attention to because the author jabbers on about things that are perceived from their viewpoint only. Which is fine, don’t get me wrong – but let’s also remember my favorite cliche: “Opinions are like belly-buttons…everybody has one.”

However, setting up a rediculous blog full of rediculous characters does put a strain on the average average blogger-fans. Who is the creator? Why was this said? Things roll around in the reader’s brain that makes it look like the entire “Fruit Fly” blog is authored by somebody who’s in prison or a state institution. And it’s worth noting a time-out from the silliness and putting for some thoughtful points for consideration. (Besides, some friends have asked for me to put out a good old fashioned “Rant” that just rips something or someone to shreds. Admitedly, it has its appeal!)

So about this newly elected Democratic Congress! You honestly think I’d be interested in ranting about a speeding ticket that I received last January for going four miles an hour over the posted limit? The seriousness of what the American people have said last week goes far into the history books of our generations to come. Father than what the Republicans pulled off in 1994 with their “Newtie” Gingrich and his “Contract With America”.

I fully believe this past election was the direct response to the GOP’s arrogance. The news-mouths have been jabbering and trying to convince all of us that not only are they the smartest people in the world, but that this vote was the knee-jerk response to the Iraq War.

However, that’s nothing but the “Five and Dime Soda-Jerk” version: The quick grasp at a fast answer in order to be the first one to make such a rediculous claim. If Brit Hume or Wolf Blitzer or Tim Russert had said that the 2006 Election was the result of Congressman Mark Foley’s indescretion, every Lemming-journalist in the United States would be talking about the horrors of homosexuality, the NAMBLA or pedophelia. To appease their bosses and the Executive Directors of Big Corp USA, the news-mouths have decided collectively to leave the explanation of the Election as a result of the Iraqi War. Mind you, that’s only their guess; and as I have already discussed the human anatomy, you know where I’m going with that thought.

I think the vote went far beyond the Iraq War. It was a collective of the whole. It’s apparent that this Bush Administration has an agenda that does not include the American people as its primary concern. It’s clear that the George W Bush had forgotten that he is a public servant right around the time he decided to listen to our phone calls and scan our Internet search enginers. The American people voted against the absolute arrogance of GW’s attitude and against the machines that he began to build within our society.

We voted based on a guy named Jack Abramoff who took money from Indian Casinos in exchange for a bagful of promises that were never kept. This is the same guy who recruited young women from southeast Asia, promising them American citizenship status and then dumping them off in Siapan and turning them into slaves. If the young women turned out to be pregnant, Abramoff forced them to have an abortion and then it was back to the sewing machines. All so he could have labels saying “Made In America” put on the clothing and sell them to WalMart. You gotta love “free enterprise”!

In 2004, for a very brief time, President GW Bush proclaimed that he wanted to be known in history as “a War President”. It was short-lived. Apparently Karl Rove had a good idea in the middle of the night and once Bush went public with the moniker, Rove had a nightmare. Whatever the reason for Bush’s ego, the cliche’ touched a nerve with an aweful lot of voting Americans. One in particular was the grandson of the first “War President”, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. James Roosevelt Jr said; “A War President isn’t self-proclaimed. A president becomes a true War President by leadership that inspires followers at home and abroad. And most importantly, a War President never loses sight of the goals of true peace with honor. For Bush to grant himself this title is an insult to my grandfather and the inspired leaders who led this country in wars that were just. To put it simply, George W. Bush has not earned the right to be called a War President.”

During our very own Fourth of July parades and picnics this year, Kim Jung Il launched four missiles which successfully landed into the Sea of Japan. The Japanese government, very alarmed of course, turned to our self-appointed “War President” looking for support in resolving this crises. Bush and his Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice essentially ignored the show of force.

Dr. Rice, who frequently ignores world crises’ for a minimum of one week before showing up for photo ops and then running away from the problem, kept the lid on the kettles while convincing the American people that everything was okay. Of course they weren’t, because on October 9th, Kim Jung Il successfully launched a nuclear weapon underground. For the first time, Bush showed everybody that he wasn’t a “War President” after all, he was just a lost rich little boy. Put bluntly, Bush was simply lost within his own rancor of failed war policies in Iraq, Afghanistan, Hezbullah and saber-rattling and stupid threats of war with Iran. North Korea was just a nuisance. A deadly and globally catastrophic nuisance, but who cares?

What was the final response to this “Madman from the Hermit Kingdom”? Senator John McCain stepped into mud-puddle by saying it was all Bill Clinton’s fault. It was never noted that the Senator has failed miserably for the past six years solving these “glaring Bill Clinton’s failed policies”. Of course not! The news-mouths had to rush their “Copy” to their microphones and vomit into the American voter’s ears.

There’s the arrogance of the Republican voters to consider.

The Rovian propaganda machine was in full gear once it was decided we were going to war with Iraq, with or without the blessing of the U.N. Security Council. Perhaps you recall a few of your own instances. Here in the Twin Cities area, we had the “Republican Trespassers”. Many of us in the Minneapolis /St Paul area were against the Iraq War and we were outspoken about it with lawn-signs everywhere. Our voices were silenced by those Trespassers who would boldly walk onto our yards and ripped our signs out of the ground and throw them into their growing collection in the backs of their pick-up trucks. They spent entire weekends venturing from one excursion after another, feeling it was their duty…no, their obligation to serve their “Appointed President” and to shut our mouths.

Then there was the Republican “elite”. The snotty wealthy old windbags who tried to shame us for being different. We didn’t have to be black, or Jewish or even gay; it was how we voted and how we felt about this baseless and even senseless war that they felt gave them license to sneer at us. My favorite: “Well you know, Jesus never voted Democrat”.

They slammed their Bibles on podiums and proclaimed God’s love for them and denied His love to anyone who wasn’t in their cult Evangelical Christian movement. These Conservative Christian Republicans shouted at us because we didn’t support their war. Then they showed up at the funerals of our sons and daughters who faught in their war and died and held up signs and chanted: “God Hates Fags”.

Their favorite Evangelical Christian minister out of 30 million of them, was having a homosexual affair with a gay prostitute and addicted to methamphetamines. (May I ask for someone to count the number of gay and lesbians that have been beaten or murdered based on hate-crimes encouraged by this man? Or would I digress?) Their favorite radio talk show host was using his housekeeper as a drug mule, doctor shopping for prescription medicine and caught importing prescription medicine for erectile dysfunction from a country that allows male juvenile prostitution. Their favorite author, lives on an island off the coast of Florida and is under investigation for voter-fraud. Ann Coulter’s books, with titles like “Godless; The Church of Liberalism” was on the New York Times Best-seller June 6, 2006, just five months before the election. In her book, she criticized the 9/11 widows and accusing them of extortion at the expense of their husbands’ deaths.

Not to worry. In her previous book, she bloviated that liberals should be arrested, tried and shot by firing-squad. She’s such a Republican version of an American Patriot, she called for someone to poison one of our own US Supreme Court Justices. All of the Lemming-journalists, the Republican elite, even the religiously insane got a good laugh out of that last one. “Cheezus Ann…You’re killing me here… No really.”

Hurricane Katrina, my god my god..!

Three years before Katrina, we watched our own people jump to their death’s in New York from 40-story window sills. In Katrina, we watched our own people swim and drown through a city with the second largest seaport in North America. Only three days later, Condoleeza Rice was in Manhattan purchasing a $1,000 pair of stilhettos, joining friends for tennis and enjoying a Broadway play later in the evening. God the Almighty meanwhile, having such a great close-knit with President Bush, urged the President to stay home and relax with a has-been country western singer while God’s children drowned, and their babies drowned with them. Vice President Dick Cheney showed up two weeks later like a gopher on Ground Hog Day sporting a fresh relaxed demeanor and quite eager to get a chance to talk about how much the White House would be doing to help out. They did nothing but privatize the entire thing to Corporate Cronies and Criminals. The day before Cheney’s “pop-up” visit, Bush told FEMA Director Michael Brown that he was doing a heckofa good job. A month after all of this, Anderson Cooper was still digging out bodies from collapsed homes on CNN and the FEMA trailers still hadn’t arrived. The President’s mother Barbara Bush worried that all of those black folks would stay in Houston instead of returning home, yet showed her pleasure that the Houston Astrodome provided a better shelter than they probably had back home.

It would be pointless to stretch this rant about Republican Arrogance any farther. It’s like pulling taffy, but without all of that warm buttery-sugar. $900 billion dollars missing here and there, tons of weapons and small arms ammunition missing whie in transit to our troops in Iraq, even the missing combative gear that’s never been delivered, it’s all horrible and destestible goo. The Secretary of Defense complains after an American G.I. asked about poor equipment…The Defense Secretary told the kid; “You get what you have, quit wasting my time with your problems.” (adlib is my own), …All of it swirls like the unwanted hair-matting that settles and dries itself on top of our bathtub’s train. And what would it gain? To rant about it anymore, I mean.

Perhaps it’s going to be the fuel that will drive us to clean up our country’s Leadership, and their croonies for now and forever more. We came close to making our country into a First World Banana-Republic. Or perhaps this entire rant was to point out that I have an opinion once in a while…and that I have a belly-button too. I call it my “lint trap”, is that so bad?

The Fruit Fly

 

 

 

Turd Blossoms and Cow Patties

I’m not very good with paintbrushes and stuff, so please forgive me. I thought it was pretty cool to see my good friend Blaze get his twenty-seconds of fame by getting his name listed in the Urban Dictionary. And what a clever moniker for our Commander in Chief for the next two years, indeed! Good job Blaze-Afire!!

Life just can’t get any better than that…

Enjoy the Tea But Leave the Cookies Alone

Oh!! Halloo!! Halloo!! Please!! You come in!! I vill take your wrap…yes… It hast been so very long since you’ve come to visit me, no?! Yes, so many people haf come to me and say; “Madam Bushka! Madam Bushka! So many of the tings you have told me have come so true!” And now…here you are again! Vell, it’s just good to see you again.

SEET!! SEET!! My goodness me, my manners..!! They go “pooof!” sometimes on me… SEET! Goot. Der… Zome tea? I pour you a nice cup of hot tea. It’s goot, no!?! My daughter Zelda… She ist learning to bake and she makes these cookies. You would like one of her cookies?!?! No? All the same den… They aren’t that goot noway. She needs more practice! …Ze poor dear.

Now! I vill listen to ze spirits and you will not say anyt’ing while I concentrate…. Ummmmmm… Zey are saying that this ist goot! Ya…. Goot! Yah….

Ze sprits say that you voted vell! Zey say that you vill have a very difficult time cleaning up ze horrible mess in de Halls of ze Congress. But, that you voted out these, ummm, how do you say “Nutty Noggings”… That upset ze spirits and ze spirits have hoped you vould vote zem out. And ze Bush…and he signs ze bills and then breaks ze law anyway. Yes…. And zey say dat you vill have a lot of wonderful feelings of ze love from ze people when you show dem how much you care about zem. Ze people… Wait… Yeas… Okay. Ze spiritz say like this; “People love ze country again and hate ze Bush-man. You vill have lots of love from zem when you, umm, display how much you care about ze people in ze America.” I don’t know ze word, ummm…. It no matters. Ze old government, they say “Puh” to ze Americans, you see. They hated you and they spit at you and zey touch your children like “ick”. They steal your moneys and zey gives it to their friends, and their friends give zem ze money.

But, it no matters….You have your chance now…

Wait! Wait!! Ahhhh….. Yes…..

Ze sprits also say this…. You vill work very hard to put ze stems cells back on ze table and the Bush-man will be forced to sign it. And you vill make many sick people better. And you vill once again be vorking with those everywhere in the world to get rid of ze sicknesses. And you vill get love from ze people that you help to make ill. Ze Bush-man will hear to ze Christians who hate ze sick people. Ze Christians say; “Dey love ze Life!” and yet they hate their sick. You vill have your chance to force them out of ze halls of your offices.

Ummmm…. Spirits say with ze caution… Yessss… Yes….. Ze Spirits say that you must respect your new power. You must respect ze people who gave you that power. And ze sprits say that ze power will be laughed at by the …”Nutty Noggins” who no longer have ze job to spit on ze people. “Phuh!” They spit you see. Phuh!! They hate you because ze people loves you, you see. They “phuh” on you.
Dat is all they say. Ze spirits say not’ing else. That is all. Let me see your cup, are you finished?!? Okay, I shall wait for you to f… Okay. Let me see your cup!! Ahhh…. I see….. Yes… Ze tea leaves tell me much! Yes…

Ze tea leaves say; “You vill have more money with ze minimum wage!! You see… you will have more money and you will make more peole happy and you vill share some of that money with Madam Bushka!” Zats what ze tea leaves say.

Please!! Please! Here is your coat…Yes, that was a vonderful time. I always love to see you come and let Madam Bushaka read for you. You must come back to see me so very soon! Oh!!! And some cookies!! Take some cookies with you! No?! Why not?! My daughter made zem! Zey are delicious!! You vill love them!! You tell my daughter how much you love zem when you pay her for ze bill!!

Hello!! Welcome…welcome! Come in! I am Madam Bushka! Please come in!! Cookies? Zey are wonderful! My daughter you know..she learns to bake zem. You try one? No? No worries…they aren’t so good anyway… please! Sit! Sit!!

FFN Special Bulletin: “Is the GOP Insane?”

Hello, welcome to Fruit Fly News. My name is Frizzie McBee.

We bring you this “Special Edition” of Fruitfly news, purely out of public demand. We have been inundated by hundreds of thousands of e-mail messages asking us the same thing. Over and over we get email saying: “Does Fruit Fly News endorse the fact that the GOP is genuinely insane?!”

We’ve decided to look into the matter a little more closely and let you, the Fruit Fly Viewer, decide for yourself. During our presentation, we shall have a conversation ith a few prominent GOP leaders or political hopefuls, along with some Republican politicians already in office and running I would like to introduce to you Mr. Bob Beauprez, Republican gubenetorial candidate for the Golden State of Colorado.

Hello Mr. Beauprez!! I thank you for being here! Appreciate it!

The pleasure is all mine, Miss McBee! Is it Miss? …Or is it Mrs?

“Ms” will be fine Mr. Beauprez, thank you…Mr. Beauprez: Just last Monday in an interview on Colorado’s public radio, you said something about abortions among the African-American community. Do you care to recall this conversation?

Why yes Frizzie..err.. Mrs. McBee! I remember it clearly, however I think the entire thing was taken way out of context.

I understand… Um, you said in that interview that black women were getting abortions at an apalling rate. To use your words, you said; “I’ve seen numbers as high as 70 percent – maybe even more – in the African-American community that I think is just appalling.” What part of what you said has been taken out of context? Or, I have to admit that I’m very confused as to how I took it out of context.

“Well first of all to be fair, I apologized in a written letter to the African-American community that should have verified that statistic before saying it in public…

Mr. Beauprez, to be completely fair, you have no statistic that says anything about abortions and the African-American community whatsoever! The best attempt to look up your statement was when the Denver Post did your homework and found a non-profit group did a study….far from the numbers you spit out. You’ve thrown out that rediculous phrase as an attention-grabber in hopes people will be sympathetic towards your racist, misogynistic and classist attitude towards minorities as a gratuitous attempt to grab some more votes.

Well not really. I mean, ahhhh….what I should have… Miss McFlee, let me try to exp…

Exactly Mr. Beauprez, what you should have said on the topic is absolutely nothing. Furthermore, I would venture to say that you don’t know anything about African-American people, about women or about the abortion rate in this country, or the State of Colorado.

Is that a safe assumption?

Well Frizzie… Is that youre real name: “Frizzie”? What’s that short for: “Frizine”?

Let me make my point Mr. Beauprez. What should the voter from Colorado expect of their Governor? A person like you?! Studying Denver Post article further, I see that your own Coloradan peers have come foward and responded to your racist and masochistic attitude.

For example, Reginald Holmes, pastor of New Covenant Christian Church in Denver offered his perspective that that’s worth noting: “This is evidence of the supreme irresponsibility of the man. He’s a complete irresponsible buffoon. If he can prove those statistics, then I will apologize publicly.

Excellent word-choice: “Buffoon Bob”..Don’t you agree? We’d like to thank you for your time, Congressman Beauprez. Your statements and your actions have benefited the point of this story in ways you’ll never understand. Have a great day…

Our next Republican candidate that we feel has gone completely over the deep end — Congresswoman Kathryn Harris of Florida’s 13th District.

Congresswoman Harris is running against incumbent Senator Bill Nelson (D-FL). I interviewed Congresswoman Harris earlier today: Let’s take a look at that.

Congresswoman Harris, we’d like to thank you for taking the time to speak with us!

Why thank you Ms. McBee! I thank you too and Jesus loves you!

Yes, and thank you for that. Congresswoman, in 2004 you were in Venice Beach, FL giving a speech in which you told an audience of your own constituents that a Middle Eastern man in Carmel, Indiana was planning to blow up a power-grid. Yet, at the same time: The Mayor James Brainard of Carmel, Indiana never spoke with you and that there was no “Middle Eastern” man and that there were no plots to destroy power-grids as you described. Were charges ever filed against you for making such wild allegations?

Well no there weren’t my exact words, but in my defen…

Let me continue please: …You went on and told other news outlets that you were priveledged with classified data that more than 100 terrorist plots have been thwarted under President George W. Bush. And you claimed that you weren’t able to give any details. Was there anything that wasn’t true in what I’ve just said to you?

Well Ms. McBee, as I told..

Congresswoman: You also had an incident with an imaginary tree falling on an airport hangar in Orlando. Would you care to tell us about these…”flying trees”?

Oh that’s just silly… I never said that!! If God wanted trees to fly, He would have made them falling out of airplanes! No, that’s just totally untrue.

Uh-huh… Congresswoman Harris, immediately after your political director Ryan Metzler walked out of your electoral campaign, do you remember that?

Forty people showed up to attend your rally and the excuse you gave for the poor turn-out was that your constituents were confused because a tree had fallen on the airplane hangar that you originally scheduled for the event. Is that correct?

Well you see… Mr. Metzler told me the wrong place and ummm.. no wait. I mean… Err. Umm… I think the voters will see through my mistakes and realize that God wanted me to win the Senate seat. So, if you don’t mind Ms. McBee, if I may. I would much rather concentrate on my political career than about airport hangars…

I’m glad you said that, Congresswoman Harris. Your political career has a rather lengthly list of shady-politics. In 1994, you took over $20,000 in illegal campaign money from Riscorp, who deposited over $400,000 total in illegal campaign funds. You were investigated, along with the CEO that you helped gain access to state workers compensation markets. While no charges were filed against you once the investigation was completed, yet that CEO was found guilty in that investigation and served jail-time.

Yes McBee, but let’s be completely honest here and make sure people underst….

Congresswoman Harris, just last month in the Florida Baptist Witness, you said; “If you are not electing Christians, tried and true, under public scrutiny and pressure, if you’re not electing Christians then in essence you are going to legislate sin.”

Congresswoman Harris: My question to you is this: “Is it common for Christian people to think…and act…like you? I mean: Do you think you make a good role-model for true-Christian folks in the United States of America? …as a real “Christian”?

Oh Ms McBee…I love Jesus and I know Jesus loves me and forgives my transgretions. And I know Jesus loves you t… I can tell you – Jesus has called me to the United States Senate, and I believe it’s important that we all follow God’s Will.

So, by default congresswoman: You’re forcing the constituents to vote for you for Senate in fear of breaking God’s Will. Is that correct? Because I’m sure your competitor Senator Bill Nelson has stated God has called him to continue on as Senator. The Senator has stated that anybody that votes for you would be a Sin by disobeying the Will of God. Does that sound right to you Congresswoman?

Well yes… I mean, No!! I mean that as a born-again Christian, that I believe God has called

Congresswoman, let me quote something Jesus said in Matthew 7:20 through verse 23. You may find something interesting in it. Jesus said; Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. Not every one that saith unto me, “Lord, Lord,” shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, “Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?” And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

Congresswoman Harris, wouldn’t you agree that it seems Jesus Christ has your face clearly in his mind while he was saying this to his deciples?

Why…that’s a horrible implication!! What a terrible thing to say! Let me ask you something Ms. McBee; “Why does the liberal media hate us born-again Christians so much? What have we ever done to you?”

Thank you Congresswoman Harris, you’ve been quit helpful in the making of this story.

As I’ve stated; that was recorded earlier today. As you can see, the underlying thread of conscious thought for the Republican leadership seems to be fading slowly. While we can understand that not everybody’s perfect all of the time, we also had to consider the odd behavior from other Republican political leaders and political pundits.

For example, Senator Conrad Burns thinks taxicab drivers are terrorists who drive during the daytime and kill at night - and we can only assume he’s referencing the taxicab drivers in Missoula and Helena. To make matters worse, it would be interesting to note that this happend shortly after Senator Burns called a couple of volunteer firefighters “lazy“. Only last year, when faced with a Northwest Airlines flight attendant worried about loosing her job, Senator Burns offered the “brilliant idea” that the young woman become a stay-at-home Mom instead.

Senator Rick Santorum was another candidate for an overdose of Lithium. We added him to the list immediately upon learning the story of how his youngest child was born severely premature and lived for just two hours. While we all would agree that the incident was a tragedy, Senator Santorum and his wife took the infant home, let their other children interact with the fetus, sleep with it and hug it and kiss it. Today, Senator Santorum keeps a photo of the 20-week old fetus on his desk.

And then there’s Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense: Donald Rumsfeld who thinks 65% of the American people who disagree with his view on the Iraqi war…Should be likened to Nazi-Era appeasers. They complain that those 65% of the population “simply don’t understand” what’s going on!

Yet, this is the same administration who immediately jumped for the opportunity to launch a “Shadow Government” within 72 hours after 9/11! Here, the Insane GOP keeps information from the public and then whine because most of the American population “simply doesn’t understand!”

We also thought we’d include George W Bush in our crazy list, and perhaps he should be the first one we brought to you. Considering the number of people he’s killed as Governor of Texas, and the sheer thousands of Americans, Iraqis, Afghani’s he’s murdered. This is the same man who claims God talks to him all of the time and he’s “obviously” pro-life…and perhaps a little too pro-life.

Notice how this small Canadian community college chose to advertise in their community to promote “Reading”. They used our Commander in Chief to illustrate the point on why reading is so important!

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has conveniently developed a severe case of amnesia on the number of people who’ve been telling him for years about Congressman Mark Foley’s pedophelia issues. If the Speaker can’t remember conversations he’s had with his colleagues about a sex-monster within their own ranks and their own political party – how can anybody expect the Speaker to remember the constituents he represents in Illinois?

Rush Limbaugh, in an attempt to make a point about “Hollywood Liberals” laughs at a man with advanced stages of Parkinsons Disease for taking too much medication. For an admitted drug addict, one would think he would know enough about how the medication Michael J Fox uses to curb his Parkinsons disease than he admits.

Let’s not forget Bill O’Reilly, semi-popular “news” commentator with schizophrenic dilousions about being personally selected and put on an alleged “death-wish” owned by Al Queda. Perhaps, we can only hope.

Ken Mehlman, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, claims that he was unaware of the racists campaign ad his committee produced and aimed at Tennessee Congressman Harold Ford. Yet, Mr. Mehlman stated earlier that the Republican Party has ignored the African-American population in this country and it should end.

This is even more interesting since it’s been recently discovered that Mr. Mehlman has ties with, and received money from Nicholas T. Boyias, a gay porn industry czar. And, with Mark Foley about to be released from his own Blow-Drying Out Clinic in the next few days, one would think someone should blow more than the skin-flute on this subject.

And finally, Congresswoman Barbara Cubin of Wyoming threatened a man bound to a wheelchair with Multiple Scleorses with physical violence during a debate in Casper. To quote Congresswoman Cubin; “If you weren’t sitting in that chair, I’d slap you across the face.”

Now campaign ads are airing ads laughing at Congresswoman Cubin about the incident. Meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney is flying back to his “Home State” of Chaos, WY this weekend to stump for Cubin, even Karl Rove has to note that her approval ratings have dropped 10% in the past two weeks.

Congresswoman Cubin’s excuse for her violent behavior? She was listening to too much Rush Limbaugh. Yes, Limbaugh’s comment about slapping Michael J Fox for “overacting” apparently gave Congresswoman Cubin the brilliant idea of slapping a fellow political who’s permenantly confined to his wheelchair and his home.

Now here’s a political trophy that every Wyoming Republican can be proud of and hold their head high and say; “Yes! I voted for her again! Because she’s a ‘good Republican’ — and I like knowing she’d slap any Libertarian at any time no matter how crippled and decreped they might be!”

Fox News regularly uses the catch phrase: “Fair and Balance”, and “the No Spin Zone”. …And, while they shouldn’t have a monopoly on the their cliche’s, there’s absolutely no truth in any of them anyway.

We’re proud to say at Fruit Fly News: We’re “Fair and Balance, and Better Than Fox News!” and “FFN is The No Spin Zone, and Much Better than Fox News”.

With that said, you are welcome to disagree with what we’ve brought you here: but you’re probably wrong. Is the GOP Insane? Or perhaps the GOP is completely sane, but severely medicated? Maybe the GOP is neither crazy nor sane but for you to decide for yourself.

While they can point to Chappaquidick, or the Tawana Brawley Story and … and… Umm… Oh! Gerry Studds : There are a lot more nut-jobs and moonbats within their own ranks.

Please keep in mind, Fruit Fly News didn’t have to include the “Super Crazies” within the the GOP. After all; this is channel is PG-13.

Thank you for watching Fruit Fly News. Tune in next time for another broadcast. My name is Frizzie McBee and you’re watching Fruit Fly News.