Minnesota Politique: Tubthumping

Huh?! Oh! Hello my Pretties! I was just finishing up my daily dose of something the Minneapolis Star Fruit FlyTribune calls “News”. It isn’t much…you know, chop down a tree, grind it up, buy some ink, say a bunch of blah blah…and you’ve got a “newspaper”. Only with some of the tripe that’s coming out of the Star Trib these days, I’d rather call it “news tripe on a Daily Rag” instead.

What did you say?

Oh yeah…of course I do! Every good Fruitfly should keep up on the “generic version” of what’s going on in its community. One of the best ways to do that is subscribe to a newspaper, even if it’s a Daily Rag. Of course, I could unsubscribe to the Minneapolis Star-Trib (a.k.a. “The Daily Tripe”) but it’s much more fun to bitch and yell at the Konservative Kristian Kornballs they have on staff over there.

Who? Oh, I’m talking about “Ka Ka Katherine Kersten”. I’ve talked about her before. You know, the Jesus Phreak who claims to be a journalist who’s job description is to write about local events throughout the Twin Cities area and what’sKatherine Kersten going on in our fair hamlet. She keeps screwing up her job and she continues to write stupid junk that does nothing beyond ruin our humble Minnesota community. You want to join me in roasting Katherine Kersten and her last piece?! C’mon! Let’s do it! It’ll be fun!

(That’s a frightful picture of her isn’t it? I know; “Who needs fly-strips hanging from your ceiling if you’ve got that picture on your computer desktop?”)

Okay…Let’s take “Ms Kersten” to task!

Dear Katherine! May I call you Katherine?! Oh wait…I couldn’t care less if you objected to the familiarizing of your Amy Klobucharname. In your latest issue, published today 7/27/2006 in a piece entitled; “Mandates push health insurance Up and Up“, you blame DFL Candidate for US Senate Amy Klobuchar for the inflated costs health insurance are charging.

Well, Katherine – let’s just cut to the chase. In your piece you wrote, and I quote:

Amy Klobuchar’s U.S. Senate campaign has just launched a new TV ad. In it, she laments that when her daughter was born, her health care provider had the nerve to make her leave the hospital after 24 hours, although the baby was sick and had to stay longer.

That was about 10 years ago. The ad shows that Klobuchar’s daughter is just fine now, and, taking after her mom, is becoming a bright and spirited young woman.

Klobuchar didn’t just sit and fret over her short hospital stay, according to the ad. She testified before the Minnesota Legislature and “got one of the first laws in the country passed guaranteeing new moms and their babies a 48-hour hospital stay.”

…Over the years, our Legislature has heard hundreds of moving stories like Klobuchar’s. As a result, Minnesota now has more health insurance mandates than almost any other state — over 60 and counting. An insurer selling health coverage to an employer or individual in Minnesota must now include everything from hearing aids to chiropractic care to hairpieces.

But there’s a catch. While candidate Klobuchar trumpets her success in creating a health care mandate, she also frequently decries the high cost of health care in Minnesota. Could success on the mandate front compound the cost problem?

The fact is, the cost of all these mandates adds up. In recent decades we’ve created a standardized roster of benefits — some quite expensive — that everyone covered by the mandates must buy, regardless of whether they need them or want to pay for them. A sizable number of people are being priced out of the health care market.”

That’s what you wrote, correct? I didn’t leave out anything in there now did I? Let’s hope, not – but it’s your sixth paragraph that makes you the Pup Journalist that you have proven yourself to be.

Katherine, Katherine, Katherine… shame shame shame.

You know, I remember in my 9th Grade high school, we had to take “creative writing”. My teacher taught the class that journalists had to abide by something called “The Journalist Six”. You remember what that is, Ka Ka Katherine?!

I can help you… Click this here; Paradigm Online Writing Assistant. Katherine, as a journalist, you’re supposed to ask the questions (say them along with me).. “Who?, What? Why? Where? When?” and “How?”.

So, you said; “…While candidate Klobuchar trumpets her success in creating a health care mandate, she also frequently decries the high cost of health care in Minnesota.” Who? Well, of course – you “claim” that Ms. Klobuchar decries something. Of course, I could also “claim” that you regularly “fight for the frozen fish thrown into the Penguin Exhibit at the Minnesota Zoo“, too – couldn’t I, Katherine?

“Where did Ms Klobuchar make this allegation” Katherine? Did she make it while standing in the middle of the Interstate?

“When did she make this allegation”? Was it on my last birthday Katherine?

“How did she do it?” Did Amy Klobuchar “decry the health care costs in Minnesota while wearing a ‘sombrero‘, Katherine?

You see what I’m talking about Katherine? Do you understand why it makes you look kind of silly?

You’ve wasted all of your time attempting to write a pieceEnquirer based on your own Hearsay. (Now I’m being nice. I could have said “Lies” instead of “Heresay”. Do you see what a nice little Fruitfly I am?!) Instead of discussing Ms. Klobuchar’s seccess in the Hennipen County Attorney’s office, or discussing the number of cases Ms. Klobuchar as won and put away the bad people of our society. You pop your mouth-off like a four year old that need to be “Skewled Like The Pup-Journalist” that you really are.

Your writings are poorly constructed. Your research as atrocious. Your views are archaic, narrow minded and rather trivial. It’s fascinating how much you decry yourself hoarse complaining about “liberal” judges, teachers and politicians when it obviously was an extremely liberal university that gave you any kind of diploma.

Well my pretties! Wasn’t that fun? I so thoroughly enjoyed talking about our local “town gossip”. I normally wouldn’t bother with the topic beings that it is pretty boring. However, since Ka Ka Katherine has spent so much time blabbering about the “horrors of homosexuality” (and getting everyone of her points wrong I might add), or discussing her allegation that the Minnesota DFL party has a connection to the Communist Party, well – it’s just plain fun to kick the empty pie-tin back through the bars of her cage.

If you bothered to read the rest of Katherine’s piece, you’ll Hearsts Yellow Kidsee what she’s aiming at. She’s trying to convince the political minorities in Minnesota (a.k.a. Republicans) that Amy Klobuchar would be a very nasty and terrible US Senator because she took on the Health Care Insurance Industry. She makes a stupid allegation and then the rest of her piece of dribble is spent lamenting the woes of those in Minnesota who can’t afford health care as being Amy Klobuchar’s fault. (I know! It’s hysterical… As if Katherine Kersten gives a rat’s patoot about poor people in Minnesota. HA! HA! HA HA!!)

What’s that?

Oh it’s easy. She keeps her job because her boss, Anders Gyllenhaal likes to keep a “balance” with his readers. The Star Tribune is generally considered a liberal newspaper, so Gyllenhaal needs a uber-Conservative to show “balance”. It’s kind of funny if you think about it… He needs a “conservative”Plecostomus on his staff and the best he can find is… Ka Ka Katherine.

Okay, well I’m off to give my pet fish snorkeling-lessons. It took me months to find a scuba diving mask to fit on my plecostomus‘ little face.
Ta Ta!

The Fruit Fly

Gay Marriage: The Crisis in Massachusetts

Lady Anchor Hello, and welcome to Fruit Fly News, my name is Frizzie McBee. Today’s breaking news is about the horrifying state of marriage currently in Massachusetts. We have learned that since Gay Marriage was made legal in Massachusetts onFebruary 4, 2004, heterosexual marriageMarriage License has a completely gone to utter chaos, as predicted by the James Dobson’ Focus on the Family and Pat Robertson’s 700 Club Ministries.


The divorce rate among heterosexual marriages has skyrocketed to 100% – with each heterosexual chosing, for no apparenty reason, that it’s much better to be gay than not. Hetersexual married couples with children have abandoned their kids in Lesbian Shock Troop Military camps and have been clogging the town halls with petitions to marry their next door neighbors.


FFN has sent out their field reporter Britt Flume into Massachusetts to witness this odd, yet predicted phenomena to learn more.


Britt? What can you tell us about what’s going on?

Field Reporter


Yes Frizzie and thank you! Yes it’s true and weirdly predicted by the Focus on the Family and the 700 Club spokespersons!! I’m outside of the “danger-zone” of the rioting downtown Boston with MikeDohl who owns a small farm outside of Framingham, Massachusetts, who’s recently decided he too is gay and getting a divorce.

Mike; Please tell us about your decision about becoming gay and divorcing your wife and leaving your children!mike dohl

Ah-yup! That’s right Britt, may I call you Britt? You’re quite cute too! Are you gay and married yet?!?

Err.. No. Err… I’m not gay and I am…err..

Well anyway! I decided that since everybody else is becoming a homosexual, I thought I’d give it a try too!! So, yesterday, I came home and found my wife in bed with my neighbor’s wife across the field and that’s when I told her I was going to become an official Texas Rump Ranger.

…And what was your wife’s reply, Mike?

Ah-Yup! She said that’s fine…she’s decided to be an official Channel-Surfer and wanted to know what we should do with the kids? I told her we could just leave them here on the farm and let them fend for themselves.

Errr… Thanks Mike! …I think.Rioting 1

Anyway Frizzie, in Boston – violent riots have broken out throughout the city. Heterosexual couples in their cars or walking down the streets seen holding hands are met with a barrage of former-heterosexual people throwing rocks andmolotav -cocktails shouting “We Hate Bush!! We Hate Bush!!”. The newly changed Homosexuals in Boston have begun setting up legislation making Heterosexuality illegal and considered a felony. Rioting crowds have been in the streets ever since Gay Marriage was legalize two and a half years ago and things don’t seem to be subsiding.

Governor Mitt Romney, who recently married his Chief of Staff “Robert”, after divorcing his wife and abandoning his own children, called for a “Gay Pride – Gay Love Day” for Massachusettscitizes in June. Governor Romney, when asked about this sudden change to be a Homosexual along with so many other formerly hetero-citizens, smiled back at me and winked and said: “I just decided that I Hate Bush, too.” Since then, he’s called for the Commonwealth’s National Guard to assist in the containing the violence. But that’s beeninnefectual due largely in part the newly stylized military uniforms from Olive Drab to Hot-Shock-Pink have not been sewn and distributed to all of the troops as of yet.

Back to you Frizzie!Lady Anchor

Thank you Britt, good job. While it’s obvious that homeless children are appearing in the millions throughout Boston from their newly-gay-decided parents, the Red Cross has been called in for support.  FEMA was also contacted and both have promised sending up trailers to house the children and they’re expected to arrive within the next twenty years. The Red Cross reports that the trailers for housing these newly abandoned children are stuck in a field somewhere in Arkansas awaiting for someone to condem the trailers as unsafe and unhealthy for occupancy.

Dr. Robert Spitzer is a Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University who has been conducting psychiatric research for more than 30 years. Dr Spitzer, after a long detail research on 800 gay people with 60 questions, has concluded that Homosexuals can change and become Heterosexuals if they try “real real hard”.  Dr Spitzer also claims that gay lobby scrapes together weak, intellectual-sounding arguments to defend even the hint of contradiction to their own religion of “equal rights.”


Soon after Dr. Spritzer finished his study, he decided to become a Homosexual himself and moved to Massachusetts and joined a singles-group. Nobody has married him yet, and nobody cares why.

In his book; “Marriage Under Fire”, “Dr. James Dobson presents a compelling case against the legalization of “marriage” between homosexuals and the dire ramifications our nation could face. Traditional values in our nation are in severe jeopardy” even though you have to buy his book to learn how why.

Of course, most heterosexual couples who are anti-gay marriage have pointed to television as the culprit to why more and more people are becoming gay. We turned on our television and were astonished at the amount of homosexuality and gay activism currently going on Fox Television.

Homer Marriage Lesbian Patty

With the Homosexual Agenda as rampant as it is in America, it’s a wonder that countries like The Netherlands, Great Britain, France, Canada, Belgium and Spain haven’t already imploded upon themownselves.

My name is Frizzie McBee and thanks for watching this edition of Fruit Fly News! Good night everybody.

The Fruit Fly


Crystal Ballz

Come in! …Come in… Let me look at you… There you go… Sit! Sit! I read you’re fortune for you… Sit! Relax! Would you like zum tea? Dar you go…you sit! ..And I, Madam Bushka, will read your fortune.

I see a hazy … ahh… Yes…I see a hazy new feature on da horizon….it’s getting clearer… ah! yes.. Clearer now! Ah!… Here it is..

The DCCC has published a short-television commercial that makes loads of very nasty images of those nasty Republicans…. It shows a series of horrific things these Republicans have failed miserably over the past five years in office. Photos of a huge storm in ze South! And horrible wars in the East! And ze horrible political-goons in jail or going to jail… Ze Republicans are upset wiz-dis advertizment. Ze worst Republicanz who are the most upset because about this video and have demanded that ze Democrats shut up and crawl back into ze hole!

Ze evil and disgusting Republican Congressman Tom Reynolds of New York has this to say about ze video: “For the Democrats, everything is about politics, so nothing they have done over the last three years to shamelessly politicize the war in Iraq has shocked me, but this crosses the line.”
Dis is terrible nooze for ze Republicans… But, excellent nooze for the rest of here in Amer-ika… Mean-vile… The horrible and disgusting Republican President of ze United States sitz in ze ‘old country’ of Russia and Germany and talks about eating ze zwien…er.. You say here in dis country… Err… “Eating the Pig!!”

I see an Ambassador and his very beootiful vife Valerie filing ze lawsuits against ze Great and Terrible Cheney-Boosh, and against ze Karl Rove-Boosh…and against ze very uglish “Scooter Libby-Boosh”. Zey are here in my ball and zey are worried ad talk to their lawyer about deese information

…and dis! Vat is dis?!?!

An’ I see a very uglish voman…Ugh! I can’t look at her face! Ugh!! It’s too ho….Vat? You vant to know?! <sigh> I-yi-yi, den I vill tell you… She’s ist Very Ugly… Ugly…and her name..it’s coming to me… Her name is da Katrin Harris! Ugh! Vhat an ugly Republican voman…She should not be allowed in public without ze bag over her head! KHarris

Anyway. I tell you. You vant to know. Dis ugly-Doginshizen Katharyn Harris… Yeah..dat’s her name… She is so far behind in her polling in Florida – Her senior staff managers has left her and they’ve all said; “No! You are too Ugly! I will NOT work for you anymore!!” and zey left this ugly-Ting!

Vat? Vat you say?! You are still vondering about dis fortune? Okay! Okay!! I vill tell you…

I predict… zat see Republicans vill all begin to cry over dis!

Zey vill say; “Oh booohooo!! Ze Democratz are ze horrible! Ze Democratz are da Nasty!!” Then zey vill say: “Oh! Boo-hoo! we are being picked on because we love ze Jesus! Oh terrible they are for picking on us!! Ze Jesus doesn’t not like them picking on us!! Ze Democratz are Godless!! Zee Democratz shood be arrested and tried for ze treason and den taken out an zey shood be SHOT in ze head! Oh boohoo! ”

Vell…Maby zey won’t say dat after all…Zey vill say:”Hey! It is Tventy-minutes past chow-time! Get da jailor-man to open my cell so I can eat zome’ting!”

Okay den… Da spirits have left me… Der is not’ing more in my crystal ball… Pleeze see my little daughter out front and pay her for my time…. Thank you ..thank you…

N E X T !!!!!!!!!!!!

…come in! Come in!! My name is Madam Bushka..I vill tell you your fortune….
the Fruit Fly