Minnesota Politique: Tubthumping

Huh?! Oh! Hello my Pretties! I was just finishing up my daily dose of something the Minneapolis Star Fruit FlyTribune calls “News”. It isn’t much…you know, chop down a tree, grind it up, buy some ink, say a bunch of blah blah…and you’ve got a “newspaper”. Only with some of the tripe that’s coming out of the Star Trib these days, I’d rather call it “news tripe on a Daily Rag” instead.

What did you say?

Oh yeah…of course I do! Every good Fruitfly should keep up on the “generic version” of what’s going on in its community. One of the best ways to do that is subscribe to a newspaper, even if it’s a Daily Rag. Of course, I could unsubscribe to the Minneapolis Star-Trib (a.k.a. “The Daily Tripe”) but it’s much more fun to bitch and yell at the Konservative Kristian Kornballs they have on staff over there.

Who? Oh, I’m talking about “Ka Ka Katherine Kersten”. I’ve talked about her before. You know, the Jesus Phreak who claims to be a journalist who’s job description is to write about local events throughout the Twin Cities area and what’sKatherine Kersten going on in our fair hamlet. She keeps screwing up her job and she continues to write stupid junk that does nothing beyond ruin our humble Minnesota community. You want to join me in roasting Katherine Kersten and her last piece?! C’mon! Let’s do it! It’ll be fun!

(That’s a frightful picture of her isn’t it? I know; “Who needs fly-strips hanging from your ceiling if you’ve got that picture on your computer desktop?”)

Okay…Let’s take “Ms Kersten” to task!

Dear Katherine! May I call you Katherine?! Oh wait…I couldn’t care less if you objected to the familiarizing of your Amy Klobucharname. In your latest issue, published today 7/27/2006 in a piece entitled; “Mandates push health insurance Up and Up“, you blame DFL Candidate for US Senate Amy Klobuchar for the inflated costs health insurance are charging.

Well, Katherine – let’s just cut to the chase. In your piece you wrote, and I quote:

Amy Klobuchar’s U.S. Senate campaign has just launched a new TV ad. In it, she laments that when her daughter was born, her health care provider had the nerve to make her leave the hospital after 24 hours, although the baby was sick and had to stay longer.

That was about 10 years ago. The ad shows that Klobuchar’s daughter is just fine now, and, taking after her mom, is becoming a bright and spirited young woman.

Klobuchar didn’t just sit and fret over her short hospital stay, according to the ad. She testified before the Minnesota Legislature and “got one of the first laws in the country passed guaranteeing new moms and their babies a 48-hour hospital stay.”

…Over the years, our Legislature has heard hundreds of moving stories like Klobuchar’s. As a result, Minnesota now has more health insurance mandates than almost any other state — over 60 and counting. An insurer selling health coverage to an employer or individual in Minnesota must now include everything from hearing aids to chiropractic care to hairpieces.

But there’s a catch. While candidate Klobuchar trumpets her success in creating a health care mandate, she also frequently decries the high cost of health care in Minnesota. Could success on the mandate front compound the cost problem?

The fact is, the cost of all these mandates adds up. In recent decades we’ve created a standardized roster of benefits — some quite expensive — that everyone covered by the mandates must buy, regardless of whether they need them or want to pay for them. A sizable number of people are being priced out of the health care market.”

That’s what you wrote, correct? I didn’t leave out anything in there now did I? Let’s hope, not – but it’s your sixth paragraph that makes you the Pup Journalist that you have proven yourself to be.

Katherine, Katherine, Katherine… shame shame shame.

You know, I remember in my 9th Grade high school, we had to take “creative writing”. My teacher taught the class that journalists had to abide by something called “The Journalist Six”. You remember what that is, Ka Ka Katherine?!

I can help you… Click this here; Paradigm Online Writing Assistant. Katherine, as a journalist, you’re supposed to ask the questions (say them along with me).. “Who?, What? Why? Where? When?” and “How?”.

So, you said; “…While candidate Klobuchar trumpets her success in creating a health care mandate, she also frequently decries the high cost of health care in Minnesota.” Who? Well, of course – you “claim” that Ms. Klobuchar decries something. Of course, I could also “claim” that you regularly “fight for the frozen fish thrown into the Penguin Exhibit at the Minnesota Zoo“, too – couldn’t I, Katherine?

“Where did Ms Klobuchar make this allegation” Katherine? Did she make it while standing in the middle of the Interstate?

“When did she make this allegation”? Was it on my last birthday Katherine?

“How did she do it?” Did Amy Klobuchar “decry the health care costs in Minnesota while wearing a ‘sombrero‘, Katherine?

You see what I’m talking about Katherine? Do you understand why it makes you look kind of silly?

You’ve wasted all of your time attempting to write a pieceEnquirer based on your own Hearsay. (Now I’m being nice. I could have said “Lies” instead of “Heresay”. Do you see what a nice little Fruitfly I am?!) Instead of discussing Ms. Klobuchar’s seccess in the Hennipen County Attorney’s office, or discussing the number of cases Ms. Klobuchar as won and put away the bad people of our society. You pop your mouth-off like a four year old that need to be “Skewled Like The Pup-Journalist” that you really are.

Your writings are poorly constructed. Your research as atrocious. Your views are archaic, narrow minded and rather trivial. It’s fascinating how much you decry yourself hoarse complaining about “liberal” judges, teachers and politicians when it obviously was an extremely liberal university that gave you any kind of diploma.

Well my pretties! Wasn’t that fun? I so thoroughly enjoyed talking about our local “town gossip”. I normally wouldn’t bother with the topic beings that it is pretty boring. However, since Ka Ka Katherine has spent so much time blabbering about the “horrors of homosexuality” (and getting everyone of her points wrong I might add), or discussing her allegation that the Minnesota DFL party has a connection to the Communist Party, well – it’s just plain fun to kick the empty pie-tin back through the bars of her cage.

If you bothered to read the rest of Katherine’s piece, you’ll Hearsts Yellow Kidsee what she’s aiming at. She’s trying to convince the political minorities in Minnesota (a.k.a. Republicans) that Amy Klobuchar would be a very nasty and terrible US Senator because she took on the Health Care Insurance Industry. She makes a stupid allegation and then the rest of her piece of dribble is spent lamenting the woes of those in Minnesota who can’t afford health care as being Amy Klobuchar’s fault. (I know! It’s hysterical… As if Katherine Kersten gives a rat’s patoot about poor people in Minnesota. HA! HA! HA HA!!)

What’s that?

Oh it’s easy. She keeps her job because her boss, Anders Gyllenhaal likes to keep a “balance” with his readers. The Star Tribune is generally considered a liberal newspaper, so Gyllenhaal needs a uber-Conservative to show “balance”. It’s kind of funny if you think about it… He needs a “conservative”Plecostomus on his staff and the best he can find is… Ka Ka Katherine.

Okay, well I’m off to give my pet fish snorkeling-lessons. It took me months to find a scuba diving mask to fit on my plecostomus‘ little face.
Ta Ta!

The Fruit Fly

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