Good Evening, welcome to Fruit Fly News, I’m Frizzie McBee. In today’s headline news, President Bush and Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff has raised the Terrorist Threat Level to Volcano Red, the highest level allowed. After discovering that people are carrying liquids that can be mixed with other liquids which could produce an explosive device, All airline passengers are required to board the aircraft completely void of all liquids.
President Bush and Secretary Chertoff, neither of whom have been on a commercial airliner since before 9/11, appear to be the only exemptions to their new ruling and requiring all Americans to be terrified of these terrorists. The ruling includes all liquids including a Catholic priests Holy Water, contact lense solution, toothpaste, mascara and apparently all forms of …urine and blood?!
Hello Frizze, and yes that is correct. You are no longer allowed to carry any liquids on your person whatsoever while boarding a plane. The fear is Frizzie, that if someone mixed gasoline with blood, it could make quite a dangerous explosion!
Needless to say, this has caused the lines at the airport to increase twenty-fold and all scheduled flights are posponed until a week from next Tuesday. So, after I’m finished giving blood here, I will be going into surgery and having my bladder removed so that I have no urine in me either. Frizzie?
Thanks Scoop! One quick question however… “Why worry about blood and urine and why not simply look for those chemicals that are a basis of being turned into an explosive substance? It seems rather…
Frizzie… Frizzie! Yes, I understand it sounds rather unorthodox, but let’s remember – this country is at a war with terrorism and our Commander in Chief is protecting us from terrorists. Speaking against the Commander in Chief, as you know, is completely forbidden, and since he is our “Decider”, that has been the Decider that he’s made for all of us!
Thank you Scoop, of course – you’re correct. It just seems to be rather extreme measure to be taken to avoid having an incident on an airline.
Yes Frizzie and it’s important to realize that this isn’t just a whim The Decider has chosen for us. In fact, I am told that once my blood has been depleated from my body, it will be stored and used to re-introduce to some passenger coming into our fair city of Minneapolis St Paul! Once again, our President is revealing how incredibly intelligent he is… and how much he cherishes life.
While all of us as citizens who are at War with Terrorists everywhere, we have learned that the Bush Administration is also changing the rules for those terrorists who attempt an airline jacking while in the air. For more on this report, we go to our field reporter, Buddy Weiser. Buddy, what can you tells us about this new ruling with the FAA?
Hello Frizzie! Yes! I’m free-falling from Northwest Airlines flight 284 from Los Angeles International where I demonstrated a typical terrorist behavior to see if the new FAA ruling is true! Sure enough…after I pulled out a small vial of gasoline, found a Dixie cup in the lavatory and mixed with with some of my urine…a flight attendant quite literally, threw me out of the plane!
Buddy! That’s terrible! Are you sure you’re alright? I’m very upset about this news! Are you okay?!
Buddy?! Buddy!! Buddy…Can you hear me?!
In the meantime, the Bush Administration has pointed out that it is his belief this new revelation of Al Qaeda Terrorists attempt to blow up more airplanes is directly connected to the Connecticut primary elections earlier this week where we saw Senator Joe Lieberman loose. President Bush’s press secretary Tony Snow, quickly produced a photo of people who they suspect is a terrorist.
Mr. Snow said and I quote; “If you see a person that looks like this at an airport, the President strongly recommends that you contact the authorities immediately. You’re urine and blood will be removed and you’ll be released to be on your way, but we’d really appreciate it if you would be diligent by looking for anybody that looks like this.”
In other news, political pundit Mann Coulter is still a stupid racist transexual. Just recently, the Log Cabin Republican party of Washington DC has elected Mann Coulter to be their new national president. When asked when Mann Coulter’s final surgery would be complete and she would be a fulling function atomoton, Mann said; “I have my Adams Apple in my neck removed next week, but only after all the of the hospital staff has been examined for any Darkies.”
Thank you for watching FFN news, I am Frizzie McBee. Have a very Terrified Night…May God save your souls.
The Fruit Fly