Good evening and welcome to Fruit Fly News, my name is Frizzie McBee.
In the news today we have learned that a human rights group based in the United States has filed a lawsuit against the US Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld in Germany. Under German law, lawsuits against any crime originating anywhere in the world, can be filed. To make matters worse for the former Secretary of Defense, the Center for Constitutional Rights has more evidence of torture in Guantanamo and the Presidential act of firing Mr. Rumsfeld in their favor as the same lawsuit was filed in 2004 and rejected.
Mr. Ratner plans to include the testimony of Al-Qahtani among other things to present if the German courts decide to persuit the case.
“Al-Qahtani was a man who the US alleged is al-Qaeda, who is in Guantanamo. The entire torture log of al-Qahtani over a period of two months was exposed,” Mr Ratner told the BBC.
Hearing this news has caused a great deal of excitment throughout the country with the most noteable question: “What is life like for prisoners in European countries?” For more on this, we go to our foreign correspondent; Timmy von Furstenberg. Timmy, what can you tell us?
Hello Frizzie! I’m here in Duesseldorf and I haven’t seen this much excitement in years! Berliners, remembering the war crimes of sixty years ago, are showing their enthusiasm that this man Donald Rumsfeld by having parades and a beer celebration called “Oktoberfest”.
That’s wonderful news Timmy, but about their jail system. Do they have chain-gangs? Are their jails more brutal than ours? Will Mr. Rumsfeld have to protect himself with a shiv? …say an old toothbrush where the handle has been made into a stabbing device?
No Frizzie, I’m afraid not. This is Europe! This the land of “über-liberals” who have no shame and to make matters worse; they’re socialists! Here, Germans love to go to jail! Many of them go to jail for their yearly vacation in exchange for going to someplace dangerous… say Disney World or Miami!
“The Donald”, as they’ve nicknamed him here will have no problems, unless he forgets his sunscreen. It does get warm here in central Germany.
And finally Timmy, if they did arrest him and he was found guilty of war crimes, do you know what jail or penitentiary he will be sent?
Yes Frizzie. Germany has a great big prison for all of those Nazi’s that were rounded up at the end of World War II. Most of those prisoners have died, serving out their own life sentance. So, that gives more room for Germans to go take their vacations, as well as give up some acreage for “The Donald’s” prison cell. I’ve been told that there will be plenty of room for him to play golf and install an Olympic sized pool. I won’t give you the name of the jail in German, but in English it translates: “The Jail That’s For Really Really Really Bad People and Those that Just Need a Vacation”. Frizzie, back to you.
Thank you Timmy.
In other news, Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) is calling for renewing the Military Draft. Congressman Rangle was quoted by saying; “ I have a great idea: Let’s re-instate the draft and write it so that only crazy Republican congressmen and women are the ones that get drafted.” Wouldn’t that be a hoot?! It would be just lovely to see Senator Elizabeth Dole in a “pickle” on a boot camp somewhere in Fayetteville, North Carolina.”
While Bush is sucking the life out of our troops with back-door drafts, extended tours of duty, and recalling grandmothers to return to military, all it took was Charlie Rangel (D-NY) to murmur about “the Draft” and the rich and wealthy dove deep into a vicious rant. Paris Hilton was quoted to say:
“Oooo!! Those horrible and nasty Liberals!!! How dare they insist that we ‘serve’…. We don’t ‘serve’… We don’t even know how to serve!! Duh!!!!”
Meanwhile, the Republicans are already building up their war chest to tar and feather both Congresswoman Nancy Pilosi (D-CA) and Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) with a coordinated effort.
“Two years of Pelosi gives a good idea of what four years of Hillary will be like,” said Tom DeLay [while picking out the drapes for his own jail-cell], the Republican powerbroker who ran his party in the House before he was caught up in a lobbyist corruption scandal. ” They are both committed liberals and we will make that clear to the American people.”
So, the expection from the Democratically controlled Congress will be simple. Nancy Pilosi will be stealing tons of money from Indian casinos, and rumors will fly speculating on Hillary Clinton’s sexual orientation because she’s emailing her Congressional pages. And in two years time Senator Clinton, Reid and Kerry give away Habeus Corpus again. This gives the Republican party plenty to crab and complain about the Democrats.
In other news, those Republicans who found themselves out of a job from the last-term election are busy with their personal closeted gay decorators. As Bob Noe, the GOP Fundraiser said; “Getting an 18 year jail sentance is along time! I have my needs you now!” Many Republicans are simply moving their office furniture and their files to their local penitentiary where they’ll await sentancing and transferring to the newly built “Republican Penetentiary”. Consider the newest Republican in Ohio that was slapped with a $139,000 fine and was given 18 years in jail. Tom Noe’s biggest expense was renovating his house in the Florida Keys. Of course, true to “Conservative Family Values”, Mr. Noe’s motto has been: “Spend tax payer money liberally on your vacation home, tell everybody that you’re a’ conservative’. The only people that will believe you… conservatives!”
Noe declined to make a statement before sentencing and stared blankly, his upper lip twitching, as his punishment was handed down.
Defense attorney John Mitchell had asked for the minimum 10-year sentence, saying that other high-profile criminals had received less time for taking more money. The lawyer also assured the judge that Noe’s offense “was a one-time crime.”
A speculative guess remains: That the judge heard the Defense attorney whining and hoping for a 10 year sentance and he gave it to him, but he added 8 years just for that trembling upper lip.
Nancy Grace and CNN Headline News is being sued by the Duckette family. You might remember that Melinda Duckette was grilled by Nancy Grace who all but accused her for the demise of her missing son. The following day, Ms Duckette shot herself in the head. CNN Headline News is keeping in step with the Rabid Right Wingers by saying:
“We stand by Nancy Grace and fully support her, as we have from the beginning of this matter.”
Alegedly, Nancy Grace called Ms. Duckette and encouraged her to come on the show, noting that it would increase visibility and more could be looking for her son. Ms. Duckette, unfortunately, was harassed by Nancy Grace and all but outright accused her of being the perpetrator.
Nancy Grace, who is a life-long careered prosecutor was asked how it will feel to be a defendant for the first time. Grace replied: “Oh don’t go there Sunshine…By the time I get done with the f@$@!!$$%^ prosecutor, he’ll be pleading ‘guilty’ for being a bed-wetter when he was 16!”
The warden of the Republican Penetentiary said they’ve built the facility to be co-ed. In the most bizarre fashion, we’ve learned that Nancy Grace has hired a lesbian to pick out the drapes for her jail cell.
Thank you for joining us tonight. As always, we appreciate your time and your interest. On behalf of the staff of Fruit Fly News, we wish you all a great Thanksgiving. My name is Frizzie McBee, good night.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Bob Noe, Charlie Rangel (Rep D-NY), Donald Rumsfeld (Fired), Elizabeth Dole (Sen R-NC), Frizzie McBee, Harry Reid (D-NV), Hillary Clinton (D-NY), John Kerry (D-MA), Nancy Grace, Nancy Pilosi (Rep D-CA), Paris (Puke) Hilton, Timmy von Furstenberg, Tom Delay |