FFNews: Argyle Sweaters and Gay Rights

Good evening and welcome to Fruit Fly News, my name isFrizzie Rummy Frizzie McBee. We are breaking into your regular scheduled surfing in order to bring you the latest breaking news. As you may recall last July, we brought to you the horrors and atrocities of what’s happened with heterosexual marriage in Massachusettes. I’m afraid I have even more bad news to report on this topic.

Today, the New Jersey legislature has passed same-sex partnerships, giving them the same legal rights as heterosexual couples, without allowing them to call it “a marriage”. The horrors of broken heterosexual marriages were apparent within minutes of the announcement. For more on this, we’re going to talk to our GLBT Correspondent Britt Flume. Britt, it’s good to see you again!

Well Frizzie, it’s a pleasure for me too. Those who have opposed this move by the Legislature in Trenton have argued that this could cause problems with the lack of restricting out of state same-sex couples from coming to New Jersey and getting married here. To quote:

Opponents of same-sex marriage contend the New Jersey decision could have a national impact because the state imposes no residency requirements for people seeking marriage. In essence: It could open the door for gay and lesbian couples from other states to marry in New Jersey and challenge laws against same-sex marriage in their own states. It’s a DOMA-Loop-hole.

CheersClearly, “Hetero Jersians” are doubly terrified of this move because it will mean gay and lesbians couples will bring loads of money into the state and quit possibly, get married right here in Atlantic City. Secondly, it will also mean their own heterosexual marriages are guaranteed to fall apart and break into utter chaos.

Earlier, I was interviewing a native “Hetero Jersian” here and filed this report.

“Good evening, sir. May I have a word with you?”

broadbent“A-yup! But ya gotta walk with me Sonny, I’m filing for divorce from my wife and filing for a same-sex union with my wife’s brother Bernie.”

“Sir, you do realize that this new law does not require you to divorce from a heterosexual marriage, nor does it require you to get into a gay marri…”

“I know, I know… I’m not dumb you know. It was when the legislature passed the law, I thought it was high time for a change in my life. I said to myself; ‘Self! You need a new direction in life. You need to dump your wife Ethel and you should try to be a homosexual for a while.’ So, I called my brother-in-law Bernie, he felt the same way and so we’re getting married as a same-sex couple and see how that goes for a while.”

“Sir, are you sure you know what you and your future … ahh… ummm.. ‘husband’ are getting into? I mean, do you have an affection for your brother-in-law Bernie?”

“Of course I do! He likes roses, bowling and early suppers at the Old Country Buffet. Where I like Craftsman tools, racing cars and peonies. Bernie thinks it’s genetics, I think it’s all about that prenup he’s expecting me to sign. Now get out of my way, I’ve gotta get the divorce forms. …I sure hope Ethel has someone in her Quilting Circle that has the hots for her…”

Frizzie, I also spent time in the tourists’ section in Atlantic City and interviewed some couples there. In the clip here, I found some people who were headed off to the developing riots breaking out in the streets.

 

sidewalkExcuse me…may I have a word with you?

Shur! But you’ll have to help me carry some of these molotov cocktails. Here, you can carry these for bottles and I’ll get these five. We’re going to start rioting in front of the casinos hoping to scare the straight couples into becoming gay.

Sir, you realize that you can’t actually scare a straight guy into being gay, don’t you?

Of course you can! We call it “Getting Foleyfied”! It’s how all of us GLBTFoley Bush Fish recruit new members to our agenda! Everybody knows that since we can’t procreate, that we have to get married to our same-sex partners and then we’ve gotta recruit! First, we start by lurking around MySpace websites, then we start sending some emails to ’em… You see?! We can recruit however, whoever and whenever we want!

Ummm… Then why am I running with you carrying four molotov cocktails waiting to be ignited and thrown at straight people?

To recruit the “older ones”! We need older gays to help out with the recruiting process so that we can ‘procreate’ faster! So, how many have you recruited?

Ummm…I think I’m going to set these bottles down and let you go on from here… I think my ahhh..my ‘boyfriend’ is calling me on my cell-phone. Thanks!! Good luck on that ‘molotive-cocktail recruiting” thing you have going on!! Gotta go!”

Frizzie, as you can see, this recent move by the New Jerseygaycop legislature is causing a great deal of noise here and on the streets. It’s safe to say that the James Dobsons and the Jerry Falwells have predicted it well; “Gays and gay-marriage really do break up heterosexuality and that it truly does destroy the great American family!”

Just recently, Mary Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter, announced that she was pregnant with her life-partner Heather Poe. But Ms. Poe is nothing but a tool for the Republican National Convention, so who cares anyway?

Dr Dobson was asked by Time Magazine to write his response about the pregnancy. He wrote the response, plagiarized research work produced by professor NYU Professor Carol Gilligan and Dr. Kyle Pruett, School of Medicine, Yale and mis-represented the results of their research. Both professors responded immediately by viciously objecting to Dr. Dobson’s misrepresentation of the results of their work.

Both of them demanded that Dr. Dobson never quote them, or their work, ever again. It was like the Pope quoting Galilaeo and trying to sound intelligent.

Thanks Britt, nice to see you and it’s horrifying to see what’s going on these days right in our own backyards!

You may also be interested to note an interesting tidbit. It’s been exactly 1 year, 4 months and 2 days since New Jersey’s former governor Jim McGreevey came flying out of the “Closet” like an old argyle sweater. And we think there very well might be a connection in there somewhere.

So on this we asked Legislative Correspondent Sheila DeJon to look in on this matter.

Sheila DeJonHello Frizzie! Yes, I’m in the Legislative Chambers in the New Jersey Senate Majority Leader office; Senator Allen Bale.

Senator Bale, it’s been only 1 year, 4 months and 3 days since our Governor Jim McGreevey came flying out of the Closet like an old argyle sweater. Can you tell me if there’s some kind of a connection with the New Jersey Legislation’s passing of this new bill for same sex couples today?

Yes Sheila, there’s a direct connection. The New Jersey Legislature has been well aware of what would happen once he came flying out of Closet like an old argyle sweater.

….and what would that connection be, exactly?

We all became gay! You see Sheila, when you come in physical contact with a gay person, Cruising you automatically “decide to become gay!” Nobody is really sure why, it just happens Since all of us met the former governor, and we all shook his hand…we all instantly decided we wanted to be gay!

Wait a second Senator. Are you saying I’ll start having these desires to start humping my son Aaron’s third grade school teacher, Ms. von der Slueth?

No Sheila, it doesn’t work that way. It only works with the same sex. If you were a male, you’d be more queer than a three dollar bill right now!

So, you’re saying Senator, that the entire New Jersey Legislature has come flying out of the Closet like an old argyle sweater?

Well, not all of them. Some of them are still in the Closet. But, it’ll be just a mater of time before Michael Rogers of that gay activist site Blog Active to get them to fly out of the Closet like an Old Argyle sweaters.

Rummy Is GoneWhat if someone doesn’t want to be gay, Senator? Heterosexual men insist that they remain: “Heterosexual”. What then?

I’m sorry Sheila. But, that’s just the way it goes! It’s “Nature’s way of keeping gay people fabulous!” But, you really haven’t seen the bigger picture!

Which is….

Which is, Sheila, that since former Congressman Mark Foley has come flying out of the Closet like an Old Argyle Sweater, almost 40% of Congress has decided to become gay in the past six weeks alone!

Dear God in Heaven…

That’s right Sheila, it won’t be very long before the “Great Gay Agenda” will be realized by all: “To make everybody queer and fabulous!!” Soon, everybody’s body will look and dress like Carson Kreskey of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but without the ‘straight guy’ of course.
I’m horrorfied. I think I have to boil my hands in water. …I shook hands with your secretary when I got here and she winked at me…and she was wearing a Harley leather jacket.

Jeff GannonBe safe Sheila, thank you.

Fruit Fly News has just learned that political homosexual orgies have already begun in the US Senate. Congressman Barney Frank (D-MA) showed up on time and without a date. Senator Trent Lott (R-MS) showed up proudly showing off his escort; Jeff Gannon.

Senator Trent Lott was heard saying; “I borrahed him from the Prez-ident!! And I guess what?!! I get to play Pitcher this time!!”

In a related matter: There’s a new soy-based chocolate flavored milk shake that’s being introduced at McDonalds restaurants worldwide. It’s become widely known that the consumption of soy beans causes male children to be gay.

Minister James Rutz claims that soy makes children gay. “Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality,” he writes on WorldNewsDaily. “That’s why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products.”

In his article, Reverend Rutz includes a P.S. to his piece on this subject:

P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it’s perfectly safe because it’s fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu.

frizzie fabulousAsian men everywhere have angrily disagreed stating; “Go tofu yourself, Rutz!”

That’s all the news for now. We thank you for tuning into Fruit Fly News. My name is Frizzie McBee, good night.

 

 

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