Who Flung Pooh?

I swear to God, The Gods, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu and Isis, this is a true story. Complete with the coincidence of the time-line.

VishnuWith friends last Thursday night for dinner… My dearest Love says to them; “I’m trying to talk him <me!> to go with me <him!> to the Candlelight Vigil at Church on Christmas Eve night.”

Now think Phyllis Diller humor, or sarcasm for a minute… Our companions at dinner, gasped and laughed when they heard that I was going to Westminster for Candlelight Services on Christmas Eve. All of of them said in suprise; “You?!??” “You’re going to Church?!?!” And then there were peals of laughter and lots of spitting at me.

Yes, I said “spitting”. (We’re always spitting at each other when we’re eating. My husband says; “Please pass more mashed potatoes”. So, I pass them and spit on them as I hand him the potatoes. He’ll take what he wants and spits on them and hands them back to me…)

But, I digress. Excitedly, my husband is telling them he might have convinced me to join him on Sunday Eve and everybody’s in shocked that I would even consider it. They’re all laughing and I finally said; “Yeah.. I’ll walk into that Sanctuary at Westminster on Christmas Eve and that Baby Jesus will wakeup, crawl out of that manger, point his chubby baby-sized finger at me and say; ‘Who in the fuck are you!!?”

…We’ve been laughing about the outburst for three days now. Saturday night he said to me; “Are you really going with me tomorrow night to the Westminster Candlelight vigil?” And I grinned and said; “If I get a chance to see that little Baby Jesus look at me and say “who the fuck are you”? Are you kidding?! How often does that happen?! I’m there!”

Body SnatchersNow please don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against Westminster Prebyterian Church per se. However, it should be noted that Minnesota Presbyterians are hated up here. Whether you’re in a funeral procession, or attending a wedding; you’re always faced with a Presbyterian who’s all up in your grill about the Presbytery. Like, they think if you’re not a Presbyterian, it’s a guarantee that you’re going to H-E-Double Hockey-Sticks. Those damned Presbyterians go door to door, riding their bicycles, wearing those white shirts with that black tie. I’m always yellin’ at them from my car as I drive by; “Get a real religion you freaking Presbyterians!!”

Damned Presbyterians… They’re the only Protestant faiths with the letter “Y” in the name.

The other night, I settled down to scan the ‘Internet Horizon’,Pelted and I begin with Landover Baptist Church and “Oh Snap! Look at this headline:”

Baby Jesus Leaps From Manger, Hurls Wet Manure Into Faces of Shocked Audience

Note this photo. The creater, rather than show the Baby Jesus flipping the bird, he shows us the results of the Baby Jesus’ pooh-flinging at both Mary and James. (That’s Mary Matalin, not the Mary, Mother of Jesus you understand.)

The pooh was flung at these two from both political parties. My guess: It’s James Carville’s party that has been throwing the most pooh lately. What with his calling for Howard Dean’s resignation from the DNC within weeks AFTER the 2006 election. What happened to James Carville anyway?

And, who flung pooh that “Horrible Mary Kay”? It’s stunning, because even her snear doesn’t even smudge that bad make-up job one single bit. She’s still ugly. It’s stunning what these conservative Republican women could accomplish if they’d simply get them “a Gay” to help them with these crises’. Just ask Kathy Griffen. But, with James Carville leaking Dem information to his wife, it’s no wonder the Dems have begun to pooh-flunging at both of them! One day, we can hope Dick Shooter Cheney will take “Horrible Mary-Kay” quail hunting and improve that make-up job of hers.

While Christmas stories are being discussed. Let’s remember that Google Earth Killed Santa, and here’s how it happened. (Hint: He even has the time to note a Google Search resulting in a nude sunbather on a rooftop somewhere in The Netherlands.) I’ve looked closely at this photo, and I can say confidently that I have not had sex with this person. I’m a liberal, but even liberals like me have to draw the line somewhere.

The Boy Scouts have their own problems. They’re willing to discriminate against gays, while accepting public funds. I was hoping to get a Merit Badge on my own. I would get my Drama Queen patch in less than twenty minutes, and with my badges in knot-tieing and Pitching, they’d elect me leader of “the Pack”.

Let’s go to Kansas. Why the hell not? We might get a clue asDorothy’s Slippers to who stole Dorothy’s ruby-red slippers from her memorial museum in Grand Rapids, MN. (My odds you’re thinking with will be another gay story, and you’d be right!) Did anybody notice this weird gay-lez Liberal Movement appearing within the beltway of America’s Heartland? First, it’s the Republicans that are bailing from the “Grand Older Party” down there and now they’re starting to find Queers who sit on the city counsels and asking the rest of the city to think seriously about this issue.

Are you seriously kidding me? I can solve this mysterious entanglement quickly: We go to Kansas, we get a search warrant for Dorothy’s “hot” slippers and raid every drag queen’s closet and shoe tree for those smelly old slippers, and then we run the GOP off to the Land of Oz. Those damned little Munchkins could use a little GOP action in their lives, and the Grand Wizard of Oz could certainly use the hot air for that ballon of his.

This is a piece I think is fantastic. JoeBacon, a buddy of Barbie Poop mine in SoCal found it. It’s a new Barbie piece where you can buy Barbie a dog and it will poop for you! (Hint; If you click the picture, you’ll get to see the YouTube commercial for Barbie’s dog “Tanner”.)

Barbie, like in so many other things, fails miserably in potty-training her own. What’s patently obvious, like her boy friend Ken, the Barbie pooch has been neutered.

Finally with this “package” that Mattel is selling to your children; the “vaccuum pump”. They’re selling a real live shit-sucker for their Barbie. Corporate America can by such hypocrits. Do you remember when Mattel actually filed a lawsuit against Aqua for doing that song that spoofs Barbie? Mattel thought anybody making a parody about their Barbie was worth the attorney’s fees. Mattel lost and then Weird Al comes along and spoofs Aqua! Now that same Mattel corporation is releasing their latest product line for Barbie; A dog named Tanner that shits everywhere and a vaccuum pump to suck the shit off my living room rug.

By the way, if you pay attention to the original Aqua song, you’ll notice they included a dog with a doghouse! Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!! Dammit Barbie!! You’re little dog just peed on our area rug in the living room!

Isn’t there a Barbie Bitch out there somewhere?

So there you have it. Barbie’s gotten rid of Ken and has a self-pooping dog. The poop that’s laying around because Barbie’s a lazy-ass, gets picked up by the Baby Jesus and throws it at that Squealing James, and Horrible Mary Kay. Then some drag queen steals Dorothy’s smellies in Grand Rapids, MN., drives The Fruit Fly to Kansas and then converts some GOP freaks to become “lib-rul”. I get three merit badges; “Be-yotch”, “Swish” and one for being “Fabulous”. And I get three gold stars for not having sex with the freak that’s sunbathing on the roof in The Netherlands. And on Christmas Eve, the Baby Jesus crawled out of his manger like it was Ground Hog Day, pointed a fat little finger at me and said; “Who in the fuck are you?!?”

I swear this is a true story.

2 Responses

  1. I can’t go to church anymore for fear of spontaneous combustion.

    And, for your information, the slippers are in the Smithsonian in DC. I saw them with my own eyes.

    I love your Carville Matalin pic. God, what a misfit couple they are. They are reason enough to swear off politics altogether.

  2. Funny…you have to have a sense of humor!

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