Hello and good evening. Welcome to Fruit Fly News, I’m Frizzie McBee.
Scientists have discovered an “off-switch” for the HIV virus. This astounding newly developed research looks at a genetic approach to return the HIV virus into a dormant state, rendering it useless.
Princeton scientists Leor Weinberger and Thomas Shenk hope their work will illuminate the processes by which human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) and other viruses transition into dormant phases in their hosts. The researchers have discovered a specific genetic trigger that makes HIV fall into its latent phase, where the virus essentially hibernates, relatively harmlessly, but awaiting an opportunity to re-emerge and wreak havoc.
This brings a great deal of hope to millions, if not billions of people throughout the world. The group who seem to be the most excited are the gay men everywhere throughout the United States. For more on this, we go to Don Klooondike who is attending Chicago’s world famous Gay Pride Parade. Don?
Thanks Frizzie! Yes, these gay men are certainly thrilled by this news. Their biggest thrill is knowing that once again they’ll be able to us public restrooms again. You may recall Frizzie, that when “the gays” developed this viral-bomb in order to murder all straight men who were hanging out in public restrooms, gays were banned from these facilities. Since gays were giving their horrible disease to straight men via toilet seats or simply having sex with God fearing heterosexual husbands and fathers, laws were passed under President Ronald Reagan to ban “the gays” from public restrooms. Since these laws were passed, “the gays” had to “relieve” themselves in bushes behind roadside rests, or roam aimlessly through city parks at night looking for a spot to do their business alone!
But, with this new scientific breakthrough, “the gays” will be allowed once again to use public restrooms. Heterosexual men, regardless how much they love Jesus, will be able to have sex with them in these facilities without leaving in fear of contracting the disease. Heterosexual God Fearing men will also be able to ignore those pesky seat-liners on their bathroom stalls, knowing that if they contract the HIV from “the gays”, there is a way to make the virus dormant. It’s really exciting news for everyone. Back to you Frizzie!
Thanks Don! Some interesting times ahead, aren’t there?
In other news, GW Bush has asked for an addition 321 million troops to be deployed to Iraq.
Realizing that this number includes the entire population of America, Bush explains that this will be his final “surge” to secure Bhagdad. Quoting the President:
We can’t just cut and run from Bhagdad. These Iraqi people have shown that they love Americans and to simply abandon them would be sending the wrong message. We have made course corrections in the past and we will continue to make course corrections until we can leave Iraq as a safe and secure democracy, oil wells are producing 100% capacity and the country is completely free of any nare-do well.
President Bush has also asked the American people for a $1 billion jobs program for Iraqi men and women. When asked if anybody from New Orleans was consulted about this program, President Bush simply said; “Huh? We done fixed New Orleeens, and there ain’t nuthin left to fix.”
And finally tonight, Congressman Barney Frank (D-MA) was caught in a fist fight with junior lightweight Congressman Patrick McHenry (R-NC). Congressman McHenry, oblivious of the House rules on introducing legislation, asked far too many question, far too many times and eventually became far too annoying.
Congressman Frank, chairing a committee hearing, insisted McHenry be quiet and understand House rules and how they are to be followed. Since the Republicans have ignored the House rules for the past 12 years and simply conducted the House of Representatives as a free-for-all, Congressman McHenry became upset because he didn’t know these rules existed nor what the rules were! Congressman McHenry, after being shouted down nine times by Congressman Frank finally stormed the podium and a fist fight erupted. Congressman Frank, taking off a stilhetto heel poked McHenry in the eye repeatedly until he began to cry.
After the fight broke up, Congressman Frank was heard in echos of hallways saying; “Dats right bee-yotch! And I’ll use the Men’s Room in the House anytime I want to, and I’ll have sex with any heterosexual man whenever want, as well!”
I’m Frizzie McBee this has been another edition of Fruit Fly News.