A Fruit Fly Favorite: Kiwis

The entire piece is brilliant. The names of the companies involed; “Hell’s Pizza Billboard“, and advertising agencies such as “Cinderella Ltd”. You can’t make this kind of story up.

Click the picture and read the piece yourself. Basically, New Zealand heard a court case that connected the word “Hell” in a religious context in retrospect of a person’s “station in life” such as being born without a father.

Freedom of Speech

The advertising agency was censured by some people who spotted the billboard and filed a complaint against the language in the sign and the insinuation of George W Bush’s “eternal damnation”.

A second complainant said in part: “… Mr Bush is a GOD-fearing upright man who (I would say) will never be seen in Hell. It is a terrible and vicious smear campaign against a person who is openly a Christian.”

But, the New Zealand courts thought differently. Y’gotta love dem Kiwis!!!  (Be sure to peel ’em first thought!  They have them fuzzy skins the just don’t taste very well.)

Crooks and Liars never lets me down whenever a good laugh is necessary.


A Fruit Fly Field Trip: Flip-Flopping McCain

Q: Okay, what has yellow fuzz when it’s young but feathers when it grows up, it has a bill not a beak, and has four legs?

A: Give up? Click Here! You won’t believe it.

BeachBizarre? No way. Find a gaggle of GOP politicians flip-flopping on they’re issues after each stop-over and each junkette.

Let’s face it; every politician will flip-flop on a few things; they learn new information on a subject after they’re elected or they have their own personal “epiphany” and realize their few was pretty screwed up. Anybody can understand that, and crucifying a politician for that kind of flip-flop really isn’t necessary. But when it comes to Sen John McCain (R-AZ), I always have to “erp” with a little bit of vomit in the back of my mouth while watching him flip-flop on just about everything, especially on his Torture Policies to name just a few.

green flipflopTorture: In December ’05, McCain introduced and managed to pass a bill that banned all forms of torture. Lots of fanfare, lots of hollering and screaming, but the bill did manage to pass all the way through Congress. Thank you Senator. Thank you very much!

McCain said while the confetti and balloons were falling all around him:

“(It) basically says that if a person, a reasonable person, would feel that someone was acting under orders … then it could be a defense in case of accusation,” McCain said. “And there is a provision for legal counsel for those who are accused (of torture), both civilian and military.

Emphasis is mine… In March, Bush was already complaining about his inability to rape and torture those poor souls in Gitmo, so McCain started on his compromised. Just nine months later, McCain published a Torture Compromise Bill to appease his “good fella” Bush. McCain decided his original design wasn’t giving Bush enough leg room to torture Iraqi prisoners, and so he began working out “a compromise“. Bush wanted to be allowed to have his prisoners sodomized and so McCain let him sodomize them.

John McCain built his career using his own time as a POW in Viet Nam who was tortured. He’s milked that story for all it’s worth until it has become irrelevant. Yet, when faced with others being tortured and brutalized, McCain scrambles for a compromise.

Newsmax detailed some of McCain’s own admittance to being tortured while in Hanoi, Viet Nam:

He described the day Hanoi Hilton guards beat him “from pillar to post, kicking and laughing and scratching. After a few hours of that, ropes were put on me and I sat that night bound with ropes.”

“For the next four days, I was beaten every two to three hours by different guards . . . Finally, I reached the lowest point of my 5 1/2 years in North Vietnam. I was at the point of suicide, because I saw that I was reaching the end of my rope.”

McCain was taken to an interrogation room and ordered to sign a document confessing to war crimes. “I signed it,” he recalled. “It was in their language, and spoke about black crimes, and other generalities.”

“I had learned what we all learned over there,” McCain said. “Every man has his breaking point. I had reached mine.”

“Beaten”? “Knocked Around”? He was beaten every two to three hours? Oh phishaw! Get along now!

Please tell me Senator McCain, you caved after getting clipped from a few knuckle sandwiches for a few hours at a time. That’s mighty tragic, I’d agree. But when you’re deciding compromises for allowing this Bush Administration to sodomize, brutalize, rape, beat Iraqi citizens that’s gone on for the past three years – doesn’t that make you nothing more than the monsters that this country, the United States of America, has always fought against??!

McCain has no worries. Did you remember that important phrase from earlier?! “And there is a provision for legal counsel for those who are accused (of torture), both civilian and military.” In October 06, just one month later, McCain pens the next “compromise” to allow Bush to get rid of Habeas Corpus so his forgotten tortured prisoners would never have the chance to even be told why they’re being tortured, raped and enslaved.

McCain struggles with other social issues facing the United States.

green flipflopAbortion: Nobody’s been able to nail McCain down on this issue. He’s for pro-choice (under certain conditions) and then he’s anti-abortion (whenever he’s hanging out with the Religiously Insane). As a matter of fact: McCain in 1999 (aug 22, 1999) said that, “even in the long term,” he would not support the repeal of Roe v. Wade because “thousands of young American women would be performing illegal and dangerous operations.” But last November he said that he now favored repeal because “I don’t believe the Supreme Court should be legislating in the way that they did on Roe v. Wade.”

green flipflopTax Cuts for Rich People: McCain in 2000 assailed Bush’s proposed tax cuts as a sop to the rich., Yes, he actually used the word “sop“. I thought it was interesting because it a year later, with Bush in office, he voted against those cuts, declaring that “the benefits go to the most fortunate among us, at the expense of middle-class Americans.” But a year ago, he switched sides and voted to extend tax cuts for the wealthy.

Read the Washington Times piece entitled: “McCain looks presidential on taxes“. It’ll make your stomach turn so you end up with that little “erp vomit” in the back of your throat too.

green flipflopDealing with his own Republican Big Business Buddies: McCain in 2000 was incensed when a pair of Texas businessmen, Sam and Charley Wyly, bankrolled some Bush-friendly TV ads that distorted McCain’s record. McCain declared at the time that their “dirty money” did not belong in national politics. But last year, McCain decided that their dirty money belonged in his campaign; he took $20,000 and allowed them to chair a McCain fund-raiser. (McCain later had to give back the money, because, it turns out, his new friends are reportedly under federal investigation.)

I personally believe this country has lost their respect for Senator McCain. Realizing that he’s willing to tout his own POW and tortured past in theViet Nam war to garner sympathy votes makes him a hypocrit of his own history. He own history shows him as a charlatan to the good people of Arizona and to the United States.Me

So, did you get a good look at the four-legged duck? Did you think about the duck in terms of duck a l’Orange or perhaps Peking duck? Perhaps you thought; “Well, looking at a freaky looking duck is sure a lot better than running around with that littleerp of vomit in the back of my throat whenever I have to think about Senator McCain from now on.”

The Big Big Blog: “The Gavel Blog”

The Fruit FlyNancy Pilosi, Speaker of the House had created her own blog called “The Gavel Blog” which she’s being quick to update and report. Today, her blogged pointed out the fantasy that the Republicans keep up their mantra that the Democrats don’t support our troops. Of course it’s a rediculous and pathetic accusation, but does Nancy take it laying down?

Republicans have accused Democrats of not supporting the troops. But two recent Pentagon reports demonstrate that our troops are currently paying the price for the Administration’s failure to provide them with proper equipment…

According to recent news reports, the Army lacks thousands of advanced armor kits for Humvees that could protect against roadside bombs, the cause of 70% of American casualties in Iraq. In addition, we understand that existing shortages of trucks and other crucial equipment such as jamming devices, radios and other gear will only be exacerbated by the troop surge. Lodging and logistical support is also reportedly in short supply for the newly deployed forces. We hope these reports are wrong, but we suspect they are not.

Good job! By noting that it’s the Bush Adminstration who insists on taking our children and throwing them into his Oil War without proper equipment, doesn’t that show how the Republicans are the ones who don’t support our troops?

Pilosi’s brilliant idea for getting the word out wasn’t in the air without taking one hit from a couple of Republican idiots who tried to accuse the Speaker of the House for copyrite infringement by a far right-wing group called “Republican Study Group”. Of course, they forgot to study their whining before going public about their whining.

Speaker Pelosi’s New Blog Violates C-SPAN Copyright/Trademark of House Proceedings
Will the Speaker bring the gavel down on “the Gavel Blog?”

As you may have heard, Speaker Nancy Pelosi launched a new blog entitled “The Gavel.” Though we applaud the Speaker’s effort to adapt to new technology, the blog violated copyright and trademark law on the very first day.

Not once, not twice, but 16 times?

As of noon today, the Speaker had posted at least 16 videos that are copyrighted
C-SPAN material from the House floor. The RSC spoke with C-SPAN today, who confirmed that these videos violate C-SPAN copyright and trademark of the House proceedings.

Using C-Span for partisan purposes?

In addition to using pirated material, Speaker Pelosi also has used the pirated C-SPAN footage for partisan purposes. The collection of C-SPAN footage used in her “first official blog” is an example and the other pirated C-SPAN trademarked material shows Democrat after Democrat offering their views of the non-binding Democrat resolution on theProwar Moran reinforcement and realignment of American troops in Iraq.

Did anybody ever explain to these people that, what’s considered “public domain” can not be copyrighted? House Speaker Pilosi links to YouTube – so how is it that YouTube isn’t copywrighting C-SPAN but Speaker Pilosi is?

In their defense, they retracted their statement allegedly after people began singing Smashmouth’s song “All Star” and doing the “Looser” sign on their forhead.

LoooserThe Republicans attacked Speaker Pilosi inaccuratly about her airplane request requirement and looked like complete fools when the dust had finally settled. Then they come up with this piece of tripe.

So what’s the final score? Pilosi = 0 Republican “Morans” = 2 It looks like the “Morans” are Looooosing!!!

Ed Shultz spanks Air America

flying cat fightEd Shultz has been spanking Sam Seder and Air America Radio for the first ten minutes of his show. Apparently, Sam Seder has been yelling in his micrphone telling his listeners that there’s a debate going on at XM on who’s going to carry the 12:00 – 3:00PM slot and ecouraging them to call XM and avoid carrying The Ed Shutlz Show. Sam, apparenty jealous that XM is putting Shutlz’s show in that slot and it’s not an Air America jockey (preferably himself), has complained that Shultz isn’t “family”. (Post Published Editing: It’s my assumption that Seder’s jealous – I don’t know, I didn’t hear what Sam said because I no longer give a crap about him, especially when Stephanie Miller is on local Air America while Sam’s on XM.  Please read the Comments for further clarification.)

Bullet statements said by Ed in his first twenty minutes:


…And I’m pissed at myself for starting the show off with this…

…I wish Air America would just go away and shut up.

…If they’d sell some advertising they could be worth something. But they don’t! They can’t sell advertising, all they can sell is how much they hate other progressives and tell other liberals down. Well you know what, my stuff sells and your doesn’t.

I even have a problem with Al Franken. He goes around the country for two years telling people he’s thinking about running for US Senate – well who does that? Air America knows he’s leaving and Al Franken just keeps going on telling people he’s leaving. Is that supporting your company…your employer? I’m here to support Jones’ Media radio and I’m not Air America. I don’t care about Air America. They’re mean and they’ll hate anybody that isn’t one of them.
And I’m sick and tired of pussy-footin’ around Air America! They can eat me.

Who the hell are they to say who’s liberal enough or conservative enough? XM can put their programming out there anyway they want to..

FIRST CALLER: I think you should give Air America some slack…

SHULTZ: THEY SUCK! THEY SUCK THEY SUCK! They’re mean and they SUCK in my opinion. They spend $40million and they can’t raise one single nickle. I don’t have to give them any slack – they suck!

FIRST CALLER: Well I’m here in Minneapo

…I’m done with Air America. I’m done with this stuff. We’re going to either fish or cut bait. Al Fraken leave isRambo Kitty probably the best thing that could happen. If you’re running a business and you had an employee come into your office saying for two years that he’s thinking about leaving. Why would you keep him?! Their main guy is leaving and they’re trying to pick up stations! Give me a break.
SECOND CALLER: I think it’s about time! You’ve been taking the high road for how long now? Get it out of your system and go ahead on. It’s about time!! Keep doing what you’re doing because it’s working! I’ve been listening to your show for I don’t know how long. And I can’t believe it when someone from Air America comes along and tries to bump you. You’ve been shoved around by Air America for I don’t know how long so I say it’s about time.

SHULTZ : Thank you very much Angie. Now here’s an intelligent listener who understands how rotten Air America radio really is!

Returning from a commercial:

Yeah they’ve been robbin’ people all along. There’s no truth in the fact that Anna Nicole Smith will be doing a show on Air America soon – but she’d be better than anybody they have right now even if she wasn’t dead!

They don’t cross promote: They don’t talk about ‘what’s coming up in the next hour’. They don’t ever say; “Did you hear what Bill Press said in that last hour? Coming up next is the Stephanie Miller show!” They don’t talk about anything but themselves. I’ve just had enough. Air America Sucks! Their shows suck! If you’ve given money to Air America then you’re an idiot too. If you’re listening to Air America, then I don’t want you to listen to the Ed Shultz Show.

I go all over the country and talk to union workers and I talk to real people. How many people has Sam Sedar done that? Just a few weeks ago, I’m down in Minneapolis talking to these people packed in this little tiny facility during the Blue State Ball. And I told those people to support Air America. Get progressives back into office. Get out of your homes and knock on your neighbor’s door. Get out and support the Democrats. And I want you all to support Al Franken! But how do I get treated back? Sam Sedar is lying over in XM about who’s taking Al Franken’s place – well that’s a lie. There is no debate – it’s set in stone. Sam Sedar is lying.
Take this crap from these liberals over at Air America. They don’t know anything about radio. They’ll do anything to stab Stepheanie Miller in the back. They’ll do anything to stab Bill Press. They’ll do anything to ruin anybody they want for their own self interest. They can’t find advertisers so they stab other liberals and progressives.

…They hurt the Democratic party and they suck.

Ed ShultzReturning from commercial

…Air America Radio sucks. Their shows suck. And they’re business practices are deplorable.

CALLER: <edited> Air America can’t compete with you. It’s sour grapes because they can’t compete with you. You’re the one who’s taught me about politics and what’s going on. ‘Oh! Senator Clinton’s coming up next!’ Or ‘Barak Obama’s on your show now!’ I’m listening to you, Ed! I mean, I listen to them, but you’re in a completely different category than they are.

SHULTZ: There’s not a single talk-show host out there that will talk about universal health care. There’s not a single talk-show host other there talking about taxes. They’re out there trying split us up. How many Air America radio hosts have talked about unions? How many of them have bothered to talk to someone or about someone who’s a liberal progressive that wasn’t an Air America employee? I won’t sit back and let some other company try to set our agenda and what we’ve done for so long. I’m just not taking it anymore, and I’m not taking it from Air America anymore. They suck and their business practices are deplorable.

Returning from Commericial:

CALLER: You’re right Ed. They’ve lost Al Franken and they fired Mike Malloy a while ago. Mike Malloy was their best talker they had! And they…

SHULTZ: Mike Mike Malloy can eat me! Malloy has taken so many nasty shots at me… Tell Malloy he can eat me. You know… How many times Mike Malloy has said that I’m a “plant” – that I’m really a Republican. Mike Malloy’s one of the biggest hate mongers out there. How’s it feel Mike?!?! You like picking on Big Eddie all this time and I don’t say a word because I think it’s wrong. Well, I’m done with that too. If Mike Malloy was such a big time talker – then what channel can I find him on?! Where is Mike Malloy? HUH?! I’m going on XM – do you think Mike Malloy’s on XM? Why is it that Mike Malloy can’t find a job to save his soul? And he’s gotMe time time to say anything bad about anybody else? Where is that hate monger? I’ve had enough. There’s not an owner or a talker that’s going to tell me what to say and what this show’s going to do. I’ve had enough.

Yee-haw! Go get ’em Big Eddie!

Pastor commits suicide fearing he was about to be “Haggardized”

I can’t imagine what goes through a man’s brain to think just quitting your job as a pastor, being honest with yourself and admit to yourself that being gay is not really that big of a deal and choose suicide instead.

Oh wait…Nevermind. I remember being suicidal when I had to come-out to myself!

I’m just glad this man isn’t going to be able to continue to preach hatred against gay people anymore! Hey, at least I’m allowed to say that. (It’s better than their “God Hates Faggots” friends down there in Knuckledrag, Kansas showing up at U.S. Military funerals up here.)

One thing to point out here about this piece I find interesting. Read the piece about this pastor in Pennsylvania and how he died.

There was an immediate “shout-out” from their Evangelical community to form a coalition to force the KDKA television news station. It’s the second paragragh and read this line:

The group does not want KDKA-TV’s license revoked, but said it should apologize to Rev. Brent Dugan’s church “for the misleading promos and unfortunate lapse in journalistic reporting that led to the Rev. Brent Dugan’s unfortunate death.”

Here’s my letter to the Christian group:

Dear Christian People Who Hate Gay People:

Me I completely agree with you. Those horrible KDKA television people have been painting us to look bad for years now. In fact, the news media has been making gay people look bad ever since people like you have demanded that we should be shuned and hated, burned to death and gassed to death…I’m thinking right about 1100 A.D, give or take. So KDKA television has decided to make you look like one of us!?!?!? What is you’re problem?

Are you expected to think you should be treated any better? You really can’t be that arrogant can you? I mean, I would side with KDKA if you were.

Have a crappy day.

The FruitFly

Who’s Your Daddy?!

Fake PrincePrince Frederick von Anhalt, the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor claims that he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Daniellyn. This is a flat-out lie, because I am the father, dammit!

“If you go back from September, she wasn’t with one of those guys, she was with me,” von Anhalt told The Associated Press in an interview Friday. Well, if that was true, then where was his wife Zsa Zsa? And if he was philandering around behind his wife’s back, do you think we could find a pretty blue dress with a stain on it in Anna Nicole Smith’s closet?

He went on with his pack of foreign-born socialist lies to the media by saying:

“She was a very big fan of Zsa Zsa and wanted to be like Zsa Zsa,” he said. “She wanted to be a princess.”

He said the two started an affair soon after, meeting over the years in Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York. For much of that time, he said, Smith urged him to make her a princess like his wife.

But short of divorcing the actress, he said the only solution would have been adopting Smith. Von Anhalt said he did consider that and even filled out adoption papers, but Gabor refused to sign them.

Lies! All of this is a lie!! If this is true, then where are those adoption papers?!  Let’s think about what he just said.  If my dear Anna Nicole Smith wanted this fake Prince to make her a princess, then he’d have to marry her or “adopt” her.  But since he couldn’t adopt her because Zsa Zsa wouldn’t sign the adoption papers, he claims he carried on a sexual affair with her instead! The man is not only a liar, but he’s admitting to adultry and incest!!  Now who do you believe? Some “fuzzy foreigner” with a fake title calling himself a “prince” who goes around impregnating young girls by promising fake titles of nobility? Or a nice sweet, and might I add “very sexy” man like myself?!?

I know I will sound like Dick Cheney’s daughter Mary by saying, my baby is not a prop. My baby is a gift from God…

“This is a blessing from God. It is not a political statement. It is not a prop to be used in a debate by people on either side of an issue. It is my child.”

Prince Frederick von Anhalt is from some liberal socialist German village where they eat little babies during holidays like Halloween and Mayday. He’ll take my baby Danielyn and we’ll never see my baby ever again… Please help me get my baby back. Please?!?! I’m desperate here! There’s my baby ….. <choking and sobbing> It’s just terrible…<sobbing uncontrollably>


On the Chinese Menu

In respect to the former Secretary of State Colin Powell’schinese menu comment about being handed a “Chinese Menu” so he could pick and choose his speech to the UN Security Council, I think it’s only fitting we pay tribute to his disasterous choices. So, here’s my own “Chinese Menu” so you can pick and choose your own interests (and your own taste buds).

Hunan Chicken

Al Rodgers’ diary of snippletts with a delightful YouTube link showing a poll from MSNBC’s “The Top Villian of 2006” with Bush coming in at #1 with 25% of the vote. (Hint; Satan was the least with only 1%. But you won’t believe who was regarded the #1 Top Villian!!)

Sweet and Sour Pork

First Lady Laura Bush comes to the defense of her husband by complaining that it’s simply unfair to criticize her “Decider in Chief” when it comes to Global Warning. This “dish” doesn’t really belong on the menu except for the fact to point out that Mrs Bush is constantly whining about having to defend her husband. For example; here and here and here.

How unfortunate her husband doesn’t come to her aid in defending her in that unbelievable disaster in building that children’s hospital in Basra, Iraq. Now that I think about it – everything either Laura or George touch turns out to be a disaster… And I”m not even talking about their kids!

General Tso’s Chicken

Have you run out of Nazi’s? Check out your local Wal Mart! The giant retailer is selling Nazi t-shirts for a new low, low price! All you have to do is follow that giant yellow smiley face right to the shelves of Nazi memorabelia and look for the people scooping the shirts up left and right! Oddly enough; Jews, gays, Jahovah’s Witnesses, labor union workers and Poles don’t seem to be too interested! Eleven weeks later, Wal Mart continues to sell them…quickly?!

Shrimp Fried Rice

Ted Haggard, one of three mega-disasters for the Republican Party’s prior to last year’s election is back in the spotlight. And he’s emailing all of his old parishoners yacking it up on how fabulous his new life is as a completelly and totally heterosexual man. His new life? Order the rice and find out yourself.

Egg Foo Young

Some crazy liberal Senator is at it again. Senator Russ Feingold (R-WI) has been yammering this crazy anti-patriotic jabbering that will undoubtedly be damaging to our troops and promote Devil worship in our pulbic schools. In a reaction to senate Republicans filibustering the all important war resolution, Senator Feingold said:

“We need to play hardball on this. We’re gonna have to take the lead on this issue and we’re gonna need to tie this place up as long as it takes,” he said in describing what he sees as a fear and timidity in his colleagues who now hold a slight majority in the Senate…

…Why, that’s just crazy talk! Someone get that man a Valium! If you need a video of his crazy anti-American verbal assult, you can click here.

Pu Pu Platter

Today’s special! With everybody running full gallop away from Dick, George and Condi, the newest member jumping ship from the sinking HMS Neocon is… drum roll please… Jeremy Grantham; Cheney’s personal investment manager!

Fortune Cookie

Colin Powell’s presentation to the United Nations Security Counsel was four years ago today. Coincidence? …Or do you think I knew that already before writing this blog? Hrmmm…. You decide! (Seriously…you should read the piece on this historic anniversary. It’s pretty funny.)


Zelda At The Sterling Family Restaurant

I found this piece about Bush deciding to “drop in” at a small diner in Peoria, IL. I got such a kick out of the piece because the dear folks of Peoria who didn’t seem to give a rip one way or the other. The humor came out of the fact that he flew in on his Air Force One plane, complete with limousine service and cavier, and he decides to amuse himself with his station-in-life, his arrogance, and self-indulgence and “mingle with the peasant folk.” He orders the driver to pull over and gets out and walks into the diner hoping to find some “celebrity sized” butt-kissing from the good folks in Peoria. Instead, he found this:

Jan. 31, 2007 – On Tuesday, President Bush popped in for a surprise visit to the Sterling Family Restaurant, a homey diner in Peoria, Ill. It’s a scene that has been played out many times before by this White House and others: a president mingling among regular Americans, who, no matter what they might think of his policies, are usually humbled and shocked to see the leader of the free world standing 10 feet in front of them. But on Tuesday, the surprise was on Bush. In town to deliver remarks on the economy, the president walked into the diner, where he was greeted with what can only be described as a sedate reception. No one rushed to shake his hand. There were no audible gasps or yelps of excitement that usually accompany visits like this…

…In Peoria this week, many patrons found their pancakes more interesting. Except for the click of news cameras and the clang of a dish from the kitchen, the quiet was deafening.

Flo CastleberryI’ve had so much fun thinking about this story, my mind wandered towards that old 1970’s show “Alice” with “Flo Castleberry” and Mel’s diner and I ended up laughing even more. I alsoSupertramp  - Breakfast in America couldn’t help but think of “Libby” who was the sexy pudgy waitress who graced the cover of Supertramp’s fantastic album; “Breafast in America”.

So, what was it like to be a small mouse in the corner watching this train-wreck of a Bush visit?! Here’s my idea on how “it went down”.

“Two chicks on a raft – wreck ’em, shingle with a shimmy and a shake in the alley, Zeppelins in a fog, city juice 86 the hail, drag one through Georgia and sweep the kitchen floor!” Zelda shouted through the large window while stuffing the order ticket into the clip on the hanging sterling-silver wheel. She turns around and grabbs the coffee-pot with the orange-handle and walked up to her customer sitting at the counter on stool #6. “More decaf, Sugar?”

Counter Customer“A-yup!” the customer muttered not even looking up from his newspaper. Zelda refills the cup eyeing the other cups of coffee for the other counter-customers.
“Hey Dad! When we get to Chicago, can we get to have pizza at Malnati’s?!” Timmy said excited in the booth behind the customer.

“No promises Timmy. Now take your White Sox cap off while you’re at the table” his mother said with a very faint grin in the corner of her mouth.

Zelda had found her way to table #14 where two ladies sheZelda1 recognized from the Peoria Art Guild were just putting their menus down. Zelda scooped up the menus using them as a support for her order pad; “You two ladies decide on what you’ll have?”

“I’ll have the cheese burger and fries, and can I have the fries without the salt?!”

“Sure…” Zelda said, writing in her shorthand on the green and white pad. “And for you, Honey?!”

“I…will…have…..I will have the liver and onions.”

“m’Kay, and for your side?”

“Ummmm..umumum… I’ll have the baked beans.”

“Comin’ up!” Zelda said. “You both havin’ coffee?”

DinerThe two ladies nodded and one asked for tea. Zelda turn around and said to a young couple who’d just finished their lunch. “You two decide on desert?”

The young man asked for a slice of apple pie with two forks.

“You want cheese or ice cream on it, Sugar?”

He looked at his girlfriend and they agreed on a single scoop of ice scream. Zelda picks up the plates and shoves her fingers into the empty glasses and heads back to the counter.

“Woah! Check that out!” she heard Timmy say. The frontbell door of the diner opened and the bell above the door began to tinkle. Almost to the counter, Zelda senses a large crowd of people coming into her domain, turns a sees a half dozen men wearing sunglasses and ear-buds. She feels one of the glasses slipping and she’s less than three feet from the safety of the counter and she hears President Bush from the door; “HI Y’ALL!! Y’ALL HAVIN’ A GOOD DAY?!”

The diner goes silent. And at the perfect second, Zelda’s glass leaves her fingers and crashes onto the floor.

The crash breaks the tension and Zelda can feel a splash of water hit her ankles. Everybody who was staring at the President and his Secret Service and the media’s camera flashing turned back to their meals. The lovers back to holding hands, the customer on counter-stool #6 turns back to his Fruit Fly newspaper and grabs his coffee cup for another sip.

Only Timmy is impressed. One Secret Service agent standing only inches from his table, Timmy tugs at the man’s overcoat sleeve and says; “Hey Mister!! Are you carrying a real gun?!”

“HEY MEL! Burn a moldy one, drag it through the garden and pin a rose on it with some frog sticks, hold the sea dust! Put out the lights and cry, with whistleberries in the allie and I need an Eve with a lid on it and some ice!” Zelda bellowed.

Zelda stuffs the ticket into the clip on the hanging wheel and heads into the kitchen to grab the broom and dust pan wondering why in the hell that somebitch President Bush would be doing in her diner? She worries that she’ll be pulling double-duty now thinking there will be hoards of people trying to get in to get near that Texas-sized idiot.

Bush in DinerMeanwhile, Bush walks over to booth #5 where one of Zelda’s beloved patrons were finishing their coffee’s and said; “Hi! How y’all doin’?! You doin’ fine?!” The man muttered in a constrained tone and Bush said; “How’s the food here?!” The muttered again, so Bush looks on to his next table to visit.

Another woman, eyeing Bush and his entourage, sighed heavily and went back to her paper. She was reading the obituaries. “Sorry to interrupt your breakfast,” a White House aide told her. “No problem,” she huffed, in a not-so-friendly way. “Life goes on, I guess.”

The diner is muted. Only a few whispers and people obviously not giving him the “celebrity ass-kissing” he always loves. “Sorry to interrupt you,” Bush said to a group of women, who were sitting in a booth with their young kids. “How’s the service?”

The customer at the counter on stool #6, put his paper down, grabbed his cigarettes and took a long look at Bush while he’s offering to sign one customers paper placemat. While he lights his cigarette, he notices that the placemat Bush is signing has food particles and water-spots all over it. Bush turns to the customer on the other side of the table and offeres to autograph her placemat too, but she kindly refuses.

Mel, who’s begun working on Zelda’s burger and liver, placesdiner food Timmy and his parents’ meals, slams the bell and shouts; “Zelda! One Bow-Wow, Bossy in a bowl, a Blue Plate and your counter needs cups of mud! Zelda?!! ZELDA!!”

“I heard ya Mel! I’m comin’!! I’m comin!” She said.

Bush meanwhile, realizes that if he stays any longer, it’ll only look worse and far more embarrassing. He signals his personal secretary that he wants to leave. A Secret Service agent puts his hand to his ear and mutters; “The Eagle is departing the premises.” The entourage begins to back out of the restaurant. Bush disappears out the door with Secret Agents following, all with fingers to their ears.

The bell above the diner’s door tinkles loudly and the customers turn their backs to the front door and return to their meals, their coffees and their newspapers. One man and his wife whisper to each other how much they hate Bush and shake their heads in disgust.

Zelda delivers Timmy’s family their meals and is happy she won’t have to serve all of those people. Mel’s happy too, no longer worried he’ll run out of Blue Plate specials and liver. Timmy’s the only one disappointed that he didn’t get to see the inside of those limousines. Standing on his kneeds and his face plastered to the window, Timmy watches Bush disappear into the limousine and listens to the muffled thumps of the doors of Bush’s caravan shut and lock. Timmy realizes he didn’t even get to see the man’s gun and mutters under his breath: “What a bunch of jerks.”

In working up this stupid little story, I found a blog site from Peoria, IL where a few people commented on Bush’s visit to the diner. I found the differing views pretty interesting in how unimpressed the people of Peoria were about the incident.

Zelda and Mel’s language translation can be found here. I laughed till tears came out of my eyes reading all of the jargon and felt a bit remorse over the dwindling number of family diners in America. And, yes – I shamelessly plagiarized the website’s first paragraph of “diner jargon”. (I especially loved that paragraph.)

An Antennea Flick to Shakespears Sister for covering the story and laughing along with all of us. < XOXOXO >

Ms. Molly Ivins


Sleep well, Love. I relished every word, every analogy and every metaphore. You understood all of us, and you knew how to make us smile and laugh at things that made us mad about ourselves… You will be sorely missed.

Sleep the long slumber well.

Molly Ivins