Good evening and welcome to Fruit Fly News, my name is Frizzie McBee.
In tonight’s news, we’ll take a closer look at the recent announcement of First Twin, Jenna Bush’s recent engagement! Is Ms. Bush pregnant? And will she be giving birth by Immaculate Conception?!
But first we feel compelled to thank each on of you loyal Fruit Fly News listeners for your time and your interest. We are just six people shy of having a larger listening audience than Glenn Beck on CNN!! With Paula Zahn’s show being eliminated, rumors have it that Fruit Fly News is being considered a possible candidate for replacement. And we couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you.
Girls gone wild?! …Or girls hot for Kucinich! That’s what Hyla Matthews thinks in her video debut. You’ve all seen the hot and sexy girl who’s got a crush on Presidential-hopeful Barak Obama. Then there was “Hott4Hill“, a viral video of Taryn Southern who has a lesbian crush on Hillary Clinton. Never short of ideas; “Debate 08: Obama Girl vs Giuliani Girl“came out. It’s a girl-on-girl action video where Obama’s girl notes Giuliana one time married his cousin and Giuliani girl would make wife #4. Hyla Matthews has now upped the ante with her view new video “I wanna have sex with Kucinich“.
The quality of the video is terrible. The budget to make the film was the equivalent to price of a Baby Ruth bar, but it topples the other videos in creativity and humor. Hyla cuts out the Kucinich’s face (alegedly from the television screen while watching a political ad) and she straps his face to the head of a ventriloquist’s dummy. Stop-short video shows things like hot-dogs being inserted into donuts and gas-pump nozzles being shoved into gas tanks and the rest is filled with Hyla dancing with the dummy. The video finishes with the mannequin having sex with her, complete with noises such as the zipper of his trousers and her asking it: “Have you put it in yet?” The doll climbs off of her, apparently insulted by the penis-size reference, and you can’t help notice he’s wearing Superman underwear.
While we’re talking about erotica, the Pentagon has turned the United States Military into a giant sized “Jesus Machine” complete with “Tough-Man Meetings”. Under the heading “Entertainment”, the USO has been sponsoring D-List actors such as Stephen Baldwin and a massive production called “Operation Straight Up Tour”.
While gays and lesbians are considered a distraction to our troops if allowed to serve in the armed forces: “Straight up” penises are never distracted when they attend the tour that calls for a “crusade in Iraq”. The Bush Administration condemns Muslim jihaadists. But an American jihaad comes with a video game called ” Left Behind, Eternal Forces” (a video game where the players are in a time after the rapture) and t-shirts with homoerotic artwork painted on the front.
“We feel the forces of heaven have encouraged us to perform multiple crusades that will sweep through this war torn region,” OSU declares on its website about its planned trip to Iraq. “We’ll hold the only religious crusade of its size in the dangerous land of Iraq.”
D-List actor Stephen Baldwin is heavily involved with this American jihaad in Iraq. As a cultural counselor to President Bush, missionary to American young people and a rising star within the leadership of the American (Evangelical) jihaad, Baldwin writes in his book:
“God has called me to go and make disciples of the youth of America. That is what I am going to try to do, and if you try to stop me I am going to break your face.”
Reports everywhere have noted Baldwin no longer wears his “What Would Jesus Do?” bracelet.
The American jihaad hasn’t stopped at violence and homoerotic art. They’ve also crossed the threshold of “Ultimate Christian Taboo” by calling for an “Imprecatory Prayer” against a group called “Americans United For Separation of Church and State“.
Imprecatory Prayer is a difficult thing to understand. But, perhaps it’s best defined this way:
Imprecatory prayer is a last resort appeal to God for justice. The so called ‘curses’ are simply the just penalty called for in the scriptures for the alleged crime. Imprecatory prayer is an appeal to the court of divine justice (1) for protection and (2) the appropriate punishment for the criminals.
Imprecatory Prayer, for Christians is highly taboo because the prayer itself has an extremely caustic boomerang effect:
Your personal adversary is not always God’s enemy: If a neighbor backs over your mail box time after time, you may be angry and extremely frustrated. But you are dealing with a neighbor, not an enemy of God.
Meet Rev. Wiley Drake. Former Vice President of the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC); current pastor of First Southern Baptist Church of Buena Park, California. He’s also the current darkhorse candidate for president of the SBC. Reverend Drake has called for an Imprecatory Prayer to those who support Americans United, and especially communications staffers Joe Conn and Jeremy Leaming; and executive director Barry Lynn.
“Reverend Drake” has become so hateful, that he is willing to call upon God the Father to put a curse on another American. And with patriotism like that, who needs another monster truck in their back-yard?
But what was the reason for such a horrible and “religiously dangerous” thing?
AU and the communications staffers had filed a complaint with the IRS that Reverend Wiley Drake had been endorsing Republican Presidential-hopefule Mike Huckabee and using his church stationary to do it. Rather than follow the law and separate his church from state activities, Reverend Drake has called for Imprecatory Prayer because these people won’t let him campaign for Mike Huckabee using his powerful church as a lobbying group.
Jesus’ General has written a piece on this in an open letter to Reverend Wiley Drake. In it, he makes an interesting observation:
I also understand that you are an Ambassador for the Presidential Prayer Team, and as such, I assume you are employing the power of prayer to assist Huckabee. But have you considered how much more his campaign could be helped by imprecatory prayer.
Since Reverend Drake is indeed a leader of the Presidential Prayer Team, it’s safe to assume that he’s also buying gay-porn, smoking crack and regularly having sex with a 49 year old male prostitute.
Finally tonight; Presidential prostitution! Presidential First Twin, Jenna Bush is finally getting married! While she’s slutted her way from bars in Austin, Texas all the way to Johannesburg, South Africa, she’s finally putting her plastic beer cup down and sleeping with only one dick from now on.
Rumors abound that she’s pregnant already. But this impossible knowing that Jenna Bush has been in rehab along with her sister Barbara and her three cousins, Jebby, George “P” and Nichole.
Aunt Sassy has been blogging the Bush grandchildren where she writes from her condo:
I was sitting at my desk, wearing my red cotton bikini briefs, reading an article on AmericaBlog about Jenna dry-humping her boyfriend in a drunken state at Zucchabar last weekend when I decided that it was time to take action! The Bush grandchildren are O.O.C. (out of control)!
In my rage, I went about securing permits, hiring social workers, and procuring plenty of Lithium as I prepared to open the first “Bush-Child Halfway House.”
The blog reads like a train-wreck on benzadrine, but who could blame her? Rehabbing Bush grand-children would qualify for saint hood! Aunt Sassy’s blog entry on Monday, the first week:
…While storming through the parlor, I witnessed Jenna clinking the ice in her glass at him and slurring out “Georgie, be a dear and refresh my Jack and G … and not so much icey-ice this time.” Much to her chagrin, he was busy doing runway briefings with Lauren. “No, you fat-assed loser! I said pivot on 7, NOT 8. Now let’s start from the top … 5, 6, 7, 8!”
Reliable sources such as Wonkette have all but confirmed Jenna is indeed pregnant and this child is at high risk of alcohol fetal syndrome.
But the question remains: “Who is this republican baby’s father?!” Some have speculated that it was Elvis Presley who impregnated the Bush Princess. Others have speculated that it was really Prince Frederick von Anhalt, the German husband to Zsa Zsa Gabor who also claimed to be the father of Anna Nichole Smith’s baby. Or perhaps we’re going through a whole new chapter in our civilization and Jenna is giving birth to our Lord and Savior!”
I thank you for tuning into The Fruit Fly News. Please join us again next week when we’ll discuss the absence of Republicans at the Log Cabin Presidential Debates. My name is Frizzie McBee. Good night.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Americans United, Anna Nichole Smith, Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), Elvis Presley, Glenn Beck, Hillary Clinton (D-NY), Hyla Matthews (Loves Kucinich, Imprecatory Prayer, Jenna "Saloon Whore" Bush, Mike Huckabee (R), Paula Zahn, Prince Frederick von Anhalt, Stephen Baldwin (Looser), Uncategorized, Wiley Drake (Reverend), Zsa Zsa Gabor |