Ugly-Date Night in Fredville, Utah

A total of four muffin-headed dumbasses showed up in Salt Lake City, Utah to kick off Fred “Hollywood” Thompson’s Presidential campaign: Brenda Caine, Byran Best, Grant Lynn and Jennifer Stephens. All of this information is true.

Wonkette noted the Salt Lake Tribune by entitling it: “Four Losers Show Up At Fred Thompson Event“, which I thought was hysterical.

After reading the Salt Lake piece thoroughly, I decided Sheena McFarland (the author) did a really bad job. Using the facts she’s given, I wrote my own story about these four “Fredheads” in Utah. I did change the names to prevent a lawsuit protect the innocent.

…What would it be like to show up at RNC headquarter office complex in Salt Lake City, find the conference room that was kicking off a presidential campaign for Fred Thompson — and find only only four people made up “Team Fred”? Read my piece and then go ahead and read McFarland’s version after your finished. Because I think the story should have gone a little something like this….

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Fred ThompsonThe large conference room was bare with the exception of a giant sized poster of Fred Thompson on the wall. Beneath it, a table full of plastic pails filled with pin-on buttons, stacks of bumper stickers and mugs filled with ball-point pens.

On another wall, someone had made an olive drab camouflage patterned banner with the words “Go Fred! Go!” painted on it and a bouquet of balloons on each end. One table stood alone in the center of the room with a large technical-looking telephone sitting on it and one light was blinking impatiently.

Only four people were in the room, standing by themselves, none of them talking to each other. Tim Shepherd, Marvan Boode, Gigi Able and Shelly Nelson.

Tim: He’s the “smart one”. He booked the RNC conference room using his Discover card and ordered the cheese and cold-cut platters. Said Tim about Fred Thompson: “F… F… err…Fred Thompson just might win!” and then grabbed a Ritz cracker and began to nibble at it around the edges in itty-bitty bites.

Marvan, pronounced “Mar-VAN”, is the “toothy-one”. He loves Jesus and carries a Bible with him everywhere he goes.

Said “Mar-VAN”:

“While he was in the Senate, I liked his stance on the war,” Boode said, adding Thompson also fit his Christian values.

Nobody bothered to remind Mar-VAN Boode that Fred Thompson wasn’t a member of the Senate when the United States invaded Iraq in March of 2003. But it was heir apparent why he wasn’t nominated the “smart one”.

The two women of the quartet were delightful and perky.conference room

Gigi wore a snappy denim jumper with two very large blond pony-tails sticking out of her head with eyes the color of corn-flowers.

Gigi thought Fred Thompson’s announcement to enter the race was “wonderful”. Said Gigi said while gum-snapping on a stick of Juicy-Fruit:

“America has been on vacation all summer, and now [voters are] starting to pay attention,” she said.

She views Thompson as the only Republican who is strong on all areas, ranging from his anti-abortion views to talking frankly about problems with Social Security.

“He’s a solid conservative,” she said, adding that his acting experience allows him to better communicate with the media and personally connect with people through television.

Even though Fred Thompson has never been in the military, it was Thompson’s “military rhetoric” that attracted Shelly Nelson.

“Shell” as she prefers to be called, is quiet stand-offish and desperately tried to hide the Chunky Monkey stain she adopted right before the big “Thompson rally”. Being a former Marine herself, “Shell” has a firm handshake that’ll pull your shoulder out of the socket. Nelson hung around the snack-table shoeing away the flies and grumbling her disappointment in the low-turnout.

Armed with her eyeglasses case fastened to her belt to the right of her gig-line and a key-clip right behind her cell-phone holster on the left, Nelson swayed back and forth in her excessively-tight jeans and a flannel shirt minus the bra. Occasionally, she double-checked for text-messages on her phone and was heard muttering “Dang it…why doesn’t she call me?!??”

Speaker PhoneWhen Fred Thompson’s voice was finally heard the speaker-phone sitting in the middle of the room, all four of them came together like a campfire song. Thompson’s voice thundered throughout the chamber and said:

It’s time to be resolute and firm,” he said. “We face enemies who have no conscience and follow no rules.

Gigi chewed on a jagged fingernail and made mini-jumping hops. “He’s sounds so dreamy” she oozed. Tim immediately shushed her and desperately scrambled for the Mute button.

Thompson went on with his official “Presidential Telephonic Invasion” by reminding his faithful followers that he would be the candidate who wouldn’t just give lip service to topics such as the war in Iraq.

Nelson snapped to attention and held a statuesque salute to an imaginary general while Thompson spoke and “Mar-VAN” grinned as he pushed his red plastic-framed glasses up his nose. Tim, quietly slipped into the hallway for a Merit Ultra-Light and wondered if anybody even bothered tasting the olive tapenade he’d made from scratch.

Once the “rally” was complete and Thompson thanked his faithful followers, “Shell” grabbed her keys and headed for the table full of Thompson memorabilia. Deciding on a bumper-sticker, Shell left the RNC offices and climbed into her Ford 150, stopping briefly to notice the slight flat she’d adopted in the Michelin on the front driver’s side.

With a fresh stick of Juicy Fruit in her mouth, Gigi giggled and thanked the RNC office manager manager for the great time she had three nights earlier.

Within minutes after the meeting finished, Mar-VAN’s mom pulled up to the carport and honked the horn impatiently with two intoxicated Italian men passed out in the back seat of the Mustang convertible.

Feeling refreshed and invigorated, Tim settled the bill at the front desk and left with his rolled-up Fred Thompson poster under his arm. Once inside his beat-up Volvo, Tim turned up the radio, as his favorite song “Don’t you, forget about me” had just started.

FruitFly 6Once out on the boulevard and into the starry night, Tim could be heard above the speakers shouting: “Hey Hey Heyyyyy! Oooooooo-woah!!!!”