Perhaps the better question might be: “What really weird thing does your family do for Christmas?” Something that’s just plain odd.
We have a “vagrant” joining us for Christmas Eve for our personal Christmas. My
husband life-partner Bruce, was against the “invasion”, jealously wishing we could be by ourselves. Jim, our good friend, is all alone this year with his ‘Rents in Florida and his siblings in Michigan. His usual haunt is to be with another group of friends who throw a huge dinner party (it’s all very gay of course) . There’s usually about six courses in the entire meal and Jim’s tired of all that.
“It’s boring!” he whines. “I only know two people and that’s it! I don’t want to hang around with people I don’t even know. I end up sitting by myself working on how many knuckles I can fit up my nose with one finger! And besides, the last three years they’ve had str8 people there. It’s ridiculous! Who wants to chat with some str8 girl and listen to her talking about her fucking kids and how well soccer practice went last Thursday.”
husband life-partner and I just listen with polite smiles on our face. Until this year, Jim went on his own micro-sized war on Christmas by declaring that he wasn’t going to this party anymore.
“Screw it!” he said sometime last month over beer at Dan Kellys in downtown Minneapolis. “I’m not going this year and I told them. I’m just over it…”
But over the course of time, he started hinting that we should invite him to join the two of us.
“What are you two doing?!” He’d say.
“Well” I said. “Like always, I’m home alone on Christmas Eve because my family are all insane. Bruce goes with his family and I don’t go to that. On Christmas Day, we have our private Christmas time typically in the morning and then we split up and go to our families and have Christmas with them.”
“I’m not exactly interested this year, either.” I went on. “I’d like to beat the crap out of my jerk-wad of a brother and the only reason I go is for the sake of my ‘Rents.”
Jim gets this pleading look in his eye and mutters. “Well…I’m not doing anything.” and begins peeling off the label on his beer bottle.
Bruce and and I both felt a little bad for him. Jim has battled cancer for over a year now and his radiation therapy has made him a little bit depressed lately. (He’s winning, by the way! He has to take these x-rays every so many months, but by in large…he’s winning!) On the other hand, it’s really his own thing to simply hang out at the dinner party he’s always attended. I mean, sometimes str8 people can be rather annoying. But, what he’s doing certainly won’t solve much.
Overtime, Bruce finally breaks down and says; “I suppose we should have Jim over for our Christmas this year. I mean…well. I guess we should.” Bruce is sweet in that way. Unfortunately for all of you, he’s
married partnered and I’m horribly selfish.
Coincidentally, Jim calls the next day and wants to meet at TGI Friday’s over here on I-394 in Golden Valley. My mind when into over-drive thinking: “From Jim’s point of view… how weird can we be for a definition of a Christmas tradition?”
He wouldn’t know…what exactly what he’s getting into, you know? It’s the old adage: “Be careful what you wish for…you might just get it.” We could do freaky stuff like swing from the chandelier in our skivvies with lemon-wedges under our lips. How could he anticipate that?
Bruce swung by and picked me up and we headed on over to TGI Fridays. This mental image forming in my brain…
Arriving, we take off our coats and hats and settle into the booth where Jim was already seated. A half-empty beer bottle with some of the label peeled off in front of him. He even smelled lonely.
Bruce went first by saying:
“Well, we talked about it and we’ve decided that we’d love it if you’d join us for our personal Christmas on Christmas Eve.”
Jim lit up like a giant sized Christmas tree trimmed by RuPaul. He beamed, literally. He had that look you’d imagine Lindsey Lohan would have when she drunkenly stumbles into a mirror, a straw and a 36″ line of cocaine.
I took my chance…
Ya know Jim. Everybody has their traditions around the Holiday Season. Bruce and I aren’t any different. And since you’ll be joining us this year, you might like to know what we do.
You see, every Christmas, when we’re ready to open presents, both of us take off all of our clothes and get completely naked. Bruce here, has his special Christmas sock-puppet. And he puts it on his penis and he tells me a Christmas story with…the puppet! And you know, every year, I never guess the ending..it’s always a surprise!
And then I climbed up on the table and leer over onto his side and stare at his crotch real quick and then look at him in the eye with a very weird look look of anticipation on my face and said;
We’re really looking forward to havin’ you join us this year, Buddy…
Jim’s in hysterics and says: “Oh my…Well! One can only imagine the fun you two have on New Years!”
There’ll be a crock-pot full of apple cider with a few sticks of cinnamon on the buffet-table. I’ll have deviled eggs mixed with bacon and shredded cheese in the filling. There’ll be about nine very nice wedges of some fine cheeses. Loads of wine chilled out on the three-season porch and a six-pack of beer can be found in the snowbank outside the back door. Everywhere you look will be platters of home made cookies, candies and pumpkin muffins.
I’m making colossall shrimp scampi and red bell pepper over linguine and Schezuan green beans with toasted sesame seeds. Even the plates will look like Christmas wreaths and those little seeds will look like snowflakes! The house will smell of the cider and I’m making a garlic French baguette. (It’ll be very gay you understand.)
Streisand, Sinatra and Nat King Cole will be armed with their greatest Christmas cuts, digitally aimed at our ears. And we’ll have enough candles lit to land large passenger aircraft in-bound from the North Pole.
Desert is a simple ice-cream Yule log (just to make sure the Pagans won’t hate us too) and we’ll slurp on a couple of Nutty Irishmen for a nightcap before we head to Candle Light Services at Westminster at 10:00PM.
If you’re in the neighborhood, stop on by! We’d love to see you naked!