My husband “life partner” and I took off to the outlet malls in Albertville last week. Spring is just around the corner, so you couldn’t keep “The Gays” from the outlet malls to save your life these days. Especially the kitchen and cooking shops.
While we were swimming through the piles of mindless kitchen gadjets, I happened on a whole rack of the best aprons I’d seen in decades. French maid aprons, tuxedo aprons, and a whole ton of them with “DIVA” emblazoned across the chest.
I had to have one. My husband “Life Partner” has becomed accustomed to my wacky “feminine side”. I just can’t seem to stifle that burning desire to be as flamingly queenie as I possibly can. But, I resisted. They were twenty bucks – and I didn’t want to spend tenty-bucks on an apron that said: “Queen of Everything”.
We agreed to split the costs of the kitchen junk we both fell in love with. An egg seperator, a tiny whisk with a bright yellow chick for a handle, 5-pack set of kitchen towels (in lovely blues of course), a lemon squeezer that could double as a lime squeezer if we flipped the little green insert, a nice Microplane zester and we were about broke! The cashier, accompanied by a colleague, rang up our total and asked; “Are you two from Canada?!”
I shot back: “Do we look like Canadians?!” and her collegue unvoluntarily let out a stifled snort.
“No, but it just seems that this time every year, we get are fair share of…”
“Gay Canadians?!” I shot back suspiciously.
“Well…. Yeah!” she said sheepishly.
“Look Honey,” I said defiantly, “you might get away with insulting us as a gay couple, but you’re not going to get away with insulting us by mistaking us as Canadians! We live fifteen miles down I-94!”
By the time, the colleague’s attempt to hold back her laughter failed miserably. The cashier had tears coming out of her eyes trying to keep control of her own hysteria.
By this time, everybody was laughing and she gave us our receipt and said: “There’s a $10.00 coupon on that receipt so bring it back and get ten dollars off anything in the store.”
I said: “I’ll come back in fifteen minutes and buy one of those aprons!”
She said; “Aren’t they great? I love them too… You want ten bucks off right now? I’ll let you buy one of my aprons and I’ll give you ten bucks off right now!”
“Do I have to give you my receipt?!” I asked.
She said: “Nope! I’ll just let you have the apron for ten bucks!”
I got it at 50% off. What a deal!
So, the apron you see there says: “Queen of Fabulousness”, which explains everything in the world you need to know about me. The ties around the neck make a perfect pink bow as well as the waistline ties – which I need help tying sometimes. I don’t know where the little red ribbon came from, but I thought it was just perfect in a tiny red bow right on the center of my chest. When I’m cooking, (since I’m no longer bartending) I wear my fabulous “glitter goggles” on top of my head so I can see what I’m doing! …And that pocket! You just can’t go wrong with that cute little pocket dangerously close to my nether-regions! Bree van de Camp would be so jealous!!
The dishes in the sink are clean and haven’t been put away. The papers stuck on the fridge is the YMCA schedule, as you can clearly see … I really need to be a member there. The knife in my hand is sharp and headed towards butchering a chicken better than Julia Childs ever could and the “glitter goggles” on my face is a trade-mark of mine going on some nine years since we were in Chicago. (When I was bartending, I made those glasses my trade-mark and every gay guy in the Twin Cities could have killed me for those glasses.) And, the kitchen floor needs a good cleaning…
So, now you know what I look like – you can stop thinkinig that I really do look like this thing…