Massachusetts Elects Nude Porn-Star!!

Oh wait! That was the “Family Values Crowd” that was talking about that… I forgot!!

Hooray for the liberals in Massachusetts!! They’ve elected their first porn-star!!

Ann Coulter: She’ll Lie By Omission and Admission At The Same Time

Poor pathetic little Ann.  That Adams Apple just bobs up and down while she lies her little fanny off, all for the American people to see.

When she prattles on along with that condescending,  snotty tone of hers, why do people find that appealing? She’s missing her tennis racket, her white Nike visor a fuzzy green ball and her BFF’s Tiffany and Amber!

See Ann Lie.

Lie Ann, Lie!

Senator David Vitter (R-LA) was a phlanderer and he wasn’t punished.  Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) was caught and plead guilty for being a philanderer and he’s still in office.

She blames Barney Frank for being a philanderer and that’s another lie!  Barney Frank’s boyfriend was caught running a prostitution ring, not Barney Frank!

Lie Ann, Lie!

h/t Joe.My.God.

Ah…Another Republican caught with a prostitute

Nice.  Hannity hanging with his whores…

Oooo!! Look!  Here’s a picture of Sean Hannity with a prostitute and I think he’s got an erection!

<sigh> yeah, sadly – it doesn’t take an awful lot of effort to cover up poor Sean’s tallywacker.  He’s hung like a cashew!

You can see all of these XXX-rated photos by running off to the Bunny Ranch to see their “family photos” of other Republican perverts who frequent the establishment to review their, ehem, “Strong American family values”!

His Wiki says he’s married to a “woman” named Jill Rhodes.  No argument there.  I mean; there’s not a lot of Republicans these days who seem to worry about Herpes, HIV and clamidia. Have you seen Larry Craig’s wife talking about sexually trasmitted diseases lately?  David Vitter’s wife?!?  Exactly what I’m talking about.  Perhaps that’s what’s really going on: These Republicans are marrying the whores that they frequent in brothels throughout the country  and the concern over STD’s is simply irrelevant!

In Hannity’s case, the train has left “Sandpaper Sally’s Ally” and it’s apparently pulled into “Pineapple Peter Station”!

Found under a wine bottle

Redneck Hospitality

CHICAGO—The White House has turned down a request from the family of President-elect Barack Obama to move into Blair House in early January so that his daughters can start school on Jan. 5.

The Obamas were told that Blair House, where incoming presidents usually stay in the five days before Inauguration Day, is booked in early January, a spokesperson to the Obama transition said. “We explored the idea so that the girls could start school on schedule,’ the spokesperson said. “But, there were previously scheduled events and guests that couldn’t be displaced.”

It remained unclear who on Bushes guest list outranked the incoming President.

I’m going to guess who’s going to be “occupying” the Blair House: The Bush Twins, that’s who. Jenna and Barbara will be pulling off their final and last week-long bender complete with bathtubs converted into giant sized bongs, kitchen hand beaters exchanged with vibrating dildos and the largest pot garden within a 90-miles growing in the Master Bedroom… complete with automated irrigation.

But that’s only a guess.

Ineptitude

Private information at bargain prices. It was a high-tech flub at the McCain-Palin campaign headquarters in Arlington when Fox 5’s Investigative Reporter Tisha Thompson bought a Blackberry device containing confidential campaign information. […]

The hottest item? Blackberry phones at $20 a piece. There were only 10 left. All of the batteries had died. There were no chargers for sale. But people were snatching them up. So, we bought a couple.

And ended up with a lot more than we bargained for.

When we charged them up in the newsroom, we found one of the $20 Blackberry phones contained more than 50 phone numbers for people connected with the McCain-Palin campaign, as well as hundreds of emails from early September until a few days after election night.

Your Daddy drinks too much because you laugh at the GOP.

Hope

The state canvassing board just voted unanimously that absentee ballots that were initially rejected because of clerical errors — and the current estimate from the hearing is that there could be nearly 1,600 of them, based on some extrapolation — should be counted, probably the single biggest issue that the Franken campaign has been hammering ever since this recount began, and which really seemed up in the air going into this hearing.

Crossing my fingers, anticipating Minnesota’s newest Junior Senator might very well be Stewart Smalley always makes me leak a tiny bit of pee in my underpants.

Hypocracy

Angered by the Republican Senate (a.k.a. “Darth Vader’s golfing buddies”), Chris Dodd (D-CT) points out:

• Worker salaries make up a tiny fraction of the financial challenge facing the automakers.
• The UAW had already agreed to achieve “compatibility and comparability” by March—a major concession.
• We still have the opportunity to fix this and the obligation to try.
• It is “incredible” that the one demand put above all others by Republicans during this negotiation is that workers, who have already been hurt badly by the declining economy, should take another hit.

Yes… As we all know: Republicans are especially patriotic compared to their liberal, labor union and minority middle-class American worker. Watch the Chris Dodd video here.

Leadership

Morgan Johnson, president of the UAW, told General Motors auto workers in Shreveport, LA last Friday:

“I don’t know what Sen. Vitter has against GM or the United Auto Workers or the entire domestic auto industry; whatever it is, whatever he thinks we’ve done, it’s time for him to forgive us, just like Sen. Vitter has asked the citizens of Louisiana to forgive him, ” said Johnson, president of Local 2166. Otherwise, Johnson said of Vitter, it would appear, “He’d rather pay a prostitute than pay auto workers.”

If there’s anybody out there who believes the Republican Party cares anything about the middle class, I have a really nice bridge to sell you cheap. It’s in Brooklyn, NY and it’s purple with pretty red and yellow flowers painted all over it. Seriously! If you’d like to buy it…I can arrange it!

Can anybody tell me – Did Senator David Vitter give his wife Wendy clymidia? Or has that all been cleared up?

The Second American Civil War

Joe Babiasz of Huntington Woods, Mich., launched a Web site, www.boycottalabamanow.com, recently to protest Shelby’s efforts to prevent Congress from passing a package of loans to the U.S. auto industry.

On his Web site, the General Motors retiree takes issue with [Senator Richard] Shelby’s [R-AL] position and claims Shelby’s support of federal grants for Alabama makes the senator a hypocrite. Specifically, the Web site questions grants for Alabama’s fishing industry.

If Big Auto does collapse, the Republican Party can be given credit to damaging the United States far beyond Osama bin Laden’s wildest dreams. If you don’t believe me, wind-up your stress meter by checking this piece out and find out for yourself.

Even so, statistics from the Center for Automotive Research in Ann Arbor show 239,000 people work in the U.S. for GM, Chrysler and Ford Motor Co. The center, which does research for the auto companies, estimates total job losses would reach 2.5 million if GM failed and 3.5 million if all three auto companies went out of business in 2009.

Predictions are coming through on the GOP throwing Michigan families under the bus just weeks for Christmas will guarantee that Michigan won’t vote Republican for at least one generation of voters. I predict at least three generations.

Pastor Ted Haggard Explains His Gayness: “We Blew It”!

Yes kiddies…! Pastor Ted Haggard’s back again!! Only this time, he’s front and center to explain why his “gay life” was kept in The Closet for all of these years: He was sexually abused as a child.

That’s it! We can all go home now! Everything is A-OK! Nothing to see here! Move on along!! Thanks for your concern! Thanks for stopping!!

Once again we have a conservative Republican, horribly addicted to Meth, addicted to illicit sexual activity with a prostitute and addicted to adult gay porn — Blame all of it on someone else.

I’ve always thought that the first step in any addiction is for the person to fully confront that they have the disease and deal with it one day at a time. I could prattle on all of the remaining eleven steps of sobriety but it’s that first one I’ve always been told what was the most important.

Pastor Ted Haggard, leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, admitted to having a long-term sexual affair with 49-year old male prostitute Mike Jones in Denver, CO. Jones, right before the 2006 elections, dropped the bomb-shell of the century that shattered the NAE, an organization that included over 47,000 churches and over 30 million members nationwide. Jones admitted to providing meth during the weekend-long sexual adventures where they remained perpetually stoned and watched gay porn.

On November 4th, just weeks after the bombshell of a story exploded, the NAE demanded Haggard’s resignation while other prominent homophobic religious zealots scrambled for safety. Uber-Hate Monger, James B. Dobson, president of Focus on the Family, came out swinging with this:

“The possibility that an illicit relationship has occurred is alarming to us and to millions of others,” Dobson said.

“He will continue to be my friend, even if the worst allegations prove accurate,” he continued. “Nevertheless, sexual sin, whether homosexual or heterosexual, has serious consequences.”

While Tony Perkins, chair of the uber-Hate Group “The Family Research Council” came out with:

“In his position as a leader of the evangelical community, this personal tragedy has public ramifications, so we urge that a full accounting of the facts be swift and complete.”

One year later, Mike Jones went on a radio station in Las Vegas and noted that US Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) was also one of his regular clients.

Fast forward another year and 1 week later, and Pastor Ted is blaming an employee of his father’s business for his bizarre attraction towards 49 year old male prostitutes:

Haggard said one of his father’s employees “had a sexual experience with me” when Haggard was 7, according to audio recordings of the sermons posted on the ABC News Web site.

Haggard said he later became “a conservative Republican, loving the word of God, an evangelical, born-again, spirit-filled, charismatic, all those things.

“But some of the things that were buried in the depths of the sea from when I was in the second grade started to rage in my mind and in my heart,” he said.

So, it was some other sexual pervert that made you gay, is that right Pastor Ted?! Now I see how easy it would be to be finally cured! Once I’m “cured”, does that mean I’ll join a construction crew and whistle lewdly at blond chicks with big racks? You mean, all I have to do is kick out a sketchy story that blames some obscure male figure in my childhood and everything will be okay?

WOW!

To think that something that simple and the world would be plagued with millions of little Junior Fruit Flies!

Pastor Ted then went on to blame everybody else for failing to capitalize on the opportunity to use the event to proseltyze the Word of God through mainstream media.

Haggard said church leaders missed an opportunity to use his scandal to “communicate the gospel worldwide through secular media.”

“We consistently blow it when those opportunities arise”, he said.

“A congressman in trouble, that’s the time. A family member gets himself in horrible trouble, that’s the time. A preacher gets himself in awful trouble, that’s the time,” he said, his voice rising to a near-shout.

Extra Homework Credit: Watch the ABC News Exclusive with Pastor Ted’s Story by clicking here.

Extra-Extra Homework Credit: Someone please tell me that Mrs. Ted Haggard has taken an AIDS test. That goes for all of these Republican wives for God’s Sakes! Larry Craig’s wife Suzanne needs an AIDS test, David Vitter’s (R-LA) wife Wendy needs an AIDS test..! These Republican wives are nothing but depositories of the AIDS virus and nobody seems to be interested in noting the obvious. It would behoove Laura Bush herself get an AIDS test too… Let’s not forget that other Closet Queen, Jeff Gannon who was living in the White House for two years…

Oh dear… I’m preaching to the choir now..! What have I worked myself up to..??! Worrying about Republican wives? Ted Haggard?! Why should I care about these people?!?!

There isn’t a single one of them that gave a flying-fuck about any gay man who died of the AIDS virus from 1978-2008.

Why should I care about any of them?

Notes on Katherine Kersten’s Stool Samples

Please tell me, why are Republicans condemn all of society to live in perpetual and eternal fear? If you drink, you’re going to Hell (unless you’re a Baptist minister and love gospel music). If you fornicate, you’re going to Hell (unless you’re a Republican and your wife looks stunning in a leopard print dress). If you’re gay, you’re definitely going to Hell (because God really hates the Queers for some reason…I don’t know). No matter what your crime against “The Holiest of Holy” might be, shouldn’t “fear mongering” be up there on that list too? At least as a minor crime like “white lies” and “cheating on your diet”?

In today’s Strib, Katherine Kersten writes a piece entitled: “California ruling hijacks middle ground on marriage” by which she laments all of the fear and loathing one could muster on the recent news out of the California State Supreme Court on same-sex marriage. (Be careful with that last link there; it’s a PDF and it’s a whopper of a file! It’s jammed packed with extra-fear, too! So be careful!)

Ms. Kersten opens her first paragraph with:

The debate over same-sex marriage has roiled for over a decade. On one side are people who believe that marriage is properly limited to one man and one woman. On the other are those who argue that lack of access to marriage is unfair to gay couples, because it deprives them of benefits that flow from the marriage certificate, such as survivor rights, hospital visitation and insurance coverage.

Did you see how she’s set the tone for her entire piece? If there’s anything Kersten loves more than Jesus and her Bible; it’s “Spin”, “Jargon” and “Fear”. You think it’s a coincidence that Noah had three sons? Strange, you might think, that King Nebuchadnezzar threw only “Three Young Men” into the Fiery Furnace? Odd that it’s “God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Scary One”? Everything Ms. Kiersten writes falls under her own favorite categories she calls “Her Holy Trinity” of “Spin”, “Jargon”and “Fear”.

Everything!

“Properly” is hetero, while the “homo” side of her argument a tone of disparaging, whining and complaining. It’s all code! But we’ll get to that a little later.

I’ve often wondered how the Star Tribune came to ask Ms. Kersten write for them? I would suspect, the Strib’s Editorial staff asked her to submit samples of her writing while considering her. And so I’ve concluded that, Ms. Kersten must have submitted a stool sample like this piece here for consideration. Since the Strib didn’t have anybody else on staff that used their own stool samples to communicate their views on the world, they decided to run with it and asked her “properly” for her two forms of ID as her proof of US Citizenship and her Social Security number. …And then probably gave her a small advance on her next check. But that’s only a guess.

A good friend of mine says that my blogging is sometimes “Obtuse“. Since I have no idea what that word means, I decided it probably had something to do with one of the missing colors in my box of Crayons. I suppose I should be happy that he didn’t say my writing was “ochre”, “puce” or “burnt sienna”. So if I’m being a little too “obtuse” with that stool sample analogy, I apologize in advance. Just be grateful I don’t get really upset with Ms. Kersten’s writing and go a little “goldenrod”.  Which I’ve been known to do from time and again…

Ms. Kersten continues, painfully I might add:

But last week, this middle ground disappeared — courtesy of the California Supreme Court. In ruling California’s marriage laws unconstitutional, the court made clear that, far from preserving traditional marriage, domestic partnerships are actually likely to hasten its demise.

She claims that her fellow conservative (Republicans) in California attempted to come “half-way” with their gay and lesbian residents by approving a one-man/one-woman definition of marriage in 2000 by an election of 61.5% of the vote. (Nice to see they’ve over-exerted themselves in having to go vote on such a decision in the first place, let alone dragging themselves to make such a huge “compromise” with their fellow citizenry.) Working up a strain producing this recent stool sample of hers, Ms. Kersten aptly points out that in 1999 California passed their own Domestic Partnership Act. Something she her self would pull her hair out and scream the horrors if such an act or any resemblance of such an act were to passed here in Minnesota. So don’t look for any “compromising positions” from Katherin Kersten any time soon.

Kersten claims that California reached that “middle ground” by giving gay and lesbian couples “some rights”, and they should have been happy with that.
Ms. Kersten immediately changes her tone by patronizing the state’s Supreme Court:

The court put no stock in the state’s argument that same-sex and opposite-sex couples already have equivalent rights under California law. In fact, the majority found that the Legislature’s decision to treat gay relationships as worthy of marriage-like benefits actually bolstered plaintiffs’ argument that domestic partnerships are discriminatory. Since the Legislature has treated same-sex and opposite-sex couples equally, said the court, withholding the marriage label from gays is a “mark of second-class citizenship.”

Those dumb judges! If this were true, then why on earth and all things un-Holy, would the California Supreme Court even bother with this case?

Let’s watch Kersten’s stool sample turn into fear. Be on the lookout for her “Holy Three” – I’ll try to help you as you go along:

Minnesotans can draw two lessons from the California decision. First, it vindicates the approach taken by the proposed Minnesota marriage amendment, which the Minnesota House of Representatives passed in 2006 but the DFL-controlled Senate killed by keeping it bottled up in committee. The amendment would have prohibited both same-sex marriage and civil unions. Opponents sometimes slammed this dual prohibition as mean-spirited, but the California decision now reveals it to be far-sighted.

Second, the California decision vindicates Minnesotans who argue that a constitutional amendment is the only way to safeguard traditional marriage. During the 2006 debate, then-Senate Majority Leader Dean Johnson and OutFront Minnesota both maintained that the amendment was unnecessary, because our state already has a “defense of marriage” act and because the Minnesota Supreme Court rejected same-sex marriage in a 1971 case.

Her next paragraph is her “bombshell”. Her piece de resistance…

But when it tossed out California’s one-man/one-woman voter initiative — which the state’s Legislature cannot overturn on its own — the California majority showed how far arrogant, activist courts will go in disregarding the will of the people.

“Activist Courts”?! “Activist Courts?!” Why…Why…If I didn’t know better, I’d say that was more “code”!!! Ohh… I’m starting to get a little goldenrod right now!!

Let’s do a quick head count of those damned judges that are sitting on that “Activist Court”, shall we?  …Lessee…

Ronald M. George – appointed in 1991 by Governor Pete Wilson, a Republican

Marvin R. Baxter – appointed by Governor George Deukmejian, a Republican

Ming W. Chin – appointed by Governor Pete Wilson, a Republican
Carol A. Corrigan – appointed by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, a Republican

Joyce L. Kennard – appointed by Governor George Deukmejian, a Republican

Carlos R. Moreno – appointed by Governor Gray Davis, a Democrat

and finally…
Kathryn Mickle Werdegar– who was appointed by Governor Pete Wilson, whom we already know… was a Republican.

Where, pray tell… does Katherin Kersten get off calling the California Supreme Court a bunch of activists?! The entire bench is filled with Republicans!!!

Katherine finishes her stool sample with this tidbit:

Anyone who has followed the abortion debate knows what happens when a court cuts out the middle ground, as the U.S. Supreme Court did on abortion 35 years ago in Roe vs. Wade. Toxic social division is inevitable when courts usurp the people’s rights.

Shall I help you out with her Holy Trinity in that paragraph, or are you good to go now? Hint, it’s the first three words in her last sentence. But I’m guessing you already knew that.

Secret Young Republicans training compound located!!

First photos are emerging from behind the enemy lines, where their nefarious indoctrination techniques corrupt the innocent minds of America’s youth and prepare them for a life committed to espousing Republican ideology that runs counter to their own self interests!

We all owe a debt of gratitude to the Democratic operatives that have risked their lives to bring us this first haunting photo:

Here we can obviously see a seemingly innocent piece of playground equipment that has been twisted by the right-wing propaganda masters into some sort of sick political metaphor…

Undercover operatives for the Democratic Party have told us that Republican parents force their unwilling children up the molded plastic stairs into the GOP’s “Indoctrination Machine.” These children remain inside for up to 48 hours until they are fully processed. The children, once they are completely transformed into a smelly mass of waste material, will eventually tumble down the chute behind the Indoctrination Machine fully prepared to carry-on the Neocon Agenda.

Said one Republican mother after her child was expelled from the Indoctrination Machine: “Oh, he’s still the little stinker he always was….” where she snickered and waddled away.

UNICEF, Save the Children and Sally Struthers have begun nationwide media campaigns to save these poor little children before they’ve become indoctrinated into the little GOP shit’s that’s expected of each and every one of them. So please: If you can give anything, please give to Sally Struther’s Christian Children’s Fund. Because Jesus, and only Jesus could love these little Turds.

I found it on Bartcop Nation… So it must be true!

Even The Canadians Will Cave When Bush Demands It

The Canadian training manual used by diplomats in their Foreign Service have a section that lists all of the countries where torture is used. I’ll give you three guesses on which countries are on the list.

Give up?!?

United States, Israel, Afghanistan, China, Egypt, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Mexico, Syria

Isn’t it nice to be in the company with the likes of Mexico and Egypt? Makes ya feel like you need a flea-dip, doesn’t it?

Al Jazeera is reporting the story that the Canadians caught a rash from the US Ambassador and demanded that the US be removed from the list.

“We find it to be offensive for us to be on the same list with countries like Iran and China. Quite frankly it’s absurd,” David Wilkins, the US Ambassador told The Associated Press on Friday.

“For us to be on a list like that is just ridiculous.”

He said the US does not authorise or condone torture. “We think it should be removed and we’ve made that request. We have voiced our opinion very forcefully,” Wilkins said.

Note to Mr. Wilkins:

The Bush Administration, after the United States Supreme Court told him he wasn’t allowed, decided to redefine what constituted “torture”. And if I’m not mistaken, it was Republican presidential candidate John McCain who decided to com- promise with the Bush Admin- istration by not only him to redefine what is and what is not “Torture”. But McCain’s “compromised” included “Sodomy” and “Rape” as methods Bush would be allowed and still not be considered torture. (Leave it to those dirty-minded Republicans. Honest to God…How many perverted little pigs can the Republican Party produce?! It’s fascinating that since they’re so pron to sexually deviant behavior (Larry Craig, David Vitter, Bob Allen, etc) that deciding “rape” and “sodomy” should be allowed for prisoners as a means of compromise really couldn’t be that big of a surprise, should it?) I wonder how many times John McCain was raped and sodomized when he was a POW?

The Canadian response was just as bad. The Canucks sounded a bit like a trapped rat:

“I regret the embarrassment caused by the public disclosure of the manual used in the department’s torture awareness training,” Bernier said.

It contains a list that wrongly includes some of our closest allies. I have directed that the manual be reviewed and rewritten. The manual is neither a policy document nor a statement of policy. As such, it does not convey the government’s views or positions,” the statement added.

All of this came about via a certain Syrian-born Canadian engineer, Maher Arar. Arar was detained and tortured for over a year in Syria by the United States. The Canadian justice working on his behalf, eventually cleared him of the allegations. That same justice inquiry produced a manual about the case which was used to develop and train future Canadian diplomats. The training manual explained what appropriate actions should be taken when they’re handing captives to these countries on the list and it eventually become the gold standard for the Canadian Foreign Service.

Amnesty International got the final word:

Alex Neve, secretary general of Amnesty International, said: “It was commendable to see that manual, which seemed to include an important section that was an objective assessment of human rights concerns around the world.

“To see that now be undermined by concerns about embarrassing allies is very disappointing.”

Prostitution and the GOP 2008 Convention

It’s no secret that the Republican party has been embroiled in a series of scandals involving prostitution in the past few years. With the upcoming GOP 2008 Convention in St Paul/Minneapolis, there’s been a shortage of available prostitutes. Minnesota GOP chair, Ron Carey, has publicly announce they will begin recruiting whores and prostitutes through venues such as Craigs List.

Said Mr. Carey, about the recruiting: “John Harrington, as you know, has done and excellent job at cleaning up the streets of St Paul! Look around the Xcel Energy Center and up along 7th Street and you can’t find a whore anywhere! With the GOP’s insatiable desire for an occasional “piece of tail” outside of their own marriage, we’re having to go to a more unorthodox style of recruiting whores and prostitutes.”

While we might think recruiting “whores and prostitutes” relates to the importation of females. However, this GOP 2008 Convention will be demanding the services of male prostitutes as well. Bob Allen, (R-FL) who was the co-chair of John McCain Presidential campaign in FL has stated he he looking forward to sight-seeing St Paul’s public parks and interacting with St Paul’s African-American male population.

Said Allen: “Someone said I should go check out ‘Rice Park‘. Is this a nice place? Is it a great place to hang out? How are the restrooms? Are the rest rooms clean? Should I bring a towel or are there paper towel dispensers that are checked regularly? Are there a lot of scary looking black guys that hang out at that park?! I don’t want to be a statistic or anything, but if are any scary looking black guys who’d be interested in a $20-bill…Oooo…..I just can’t wait to get to St Paul. I’ve been asked to be a delegate this year you know!! The GOP has been so great!”

Coy Privette, another GOP delegate out of North Carolina who will be present for the GOP 2008 Convention, has stated that he prefers the GOP “Luscious Ladies” instead of the GOP “Studs” which will be provided. Said Coy in an interview at his home in Kannapolis, NC: “I ain’t never had any Yankee ‘poontang’ b’fore! But I sure ain’t gonna turn it down if they let me have my pick!! Now I got one question before I accept this generous offer by the GOP: Can I write a check for her services?!”

GOP Chairman Ron Carey has since announced that personal checks will not be honored. All GOP-recruited prostitutes have been instructed that cash-only paid in full is the rule and untraceable small-bills are preferred.

Glenn Murphy, former National Chair of the Young Republican National Federation, has been told he will not be allowed to be a delegate at the GOP 2008 Convention. But he has been asked to help with the decorations inside of the Xcel Energy Center. Murphy, who was caught performing oral sex on a 22-year old Young Republican National Federation candidate while he was sleeping, was ecstatic for the opportunity.

Murphy said smugly and shyly: “I’ve been asked to blow up the balloons.”

David Vitter, Louisiana’s favorite GOP Senator, has stated publicly stating that he will not be enlisting the services of any Yankee whore. Instead, Senator Vitter has insisted on bringing his own “Cajun Tail”. FEMA has dispatched a fleet of school buses to collect the entire stable of New Orleans whores and ship them up to the Twin Cities.

One FEMA official was upset because she was given five cases of Old Bay seasoning and asked to hand out one can to each hooker as she climbed onto the buss.

“I axed him; “Whaddya want me to do with the Ol’Bay?!” said the FEMA official. “I told him that Old Bay was good for crabs! … and shrimps! And da man said while he was winking at me — he says; ‘You know…’suck the heads…pinch the tails’!”

The GOP’s “Moral Majority” 2008 Campaign wouldn’t be complete without their trusty “Choir Boys”. Chairman Carey grins when he uses the term, but he’s really referring to the heavy-handed religious branch of the Grand Old Party. “We haven’t forgotten the ‘choir boys” and Carey chuckles all over again. “Ted Haggard has been panhandling his former flock in Colorado Springs hoping to raise enough money to attend the GOP 2008 Convention. Pastor Ted told me he’ll show up packing enough meth to blow up Canada.”

Said Carey: “Pastor Ted is a very tough customer too. He’s like a rabbit. He bounces from one seedy motel to another. I don’t know how we’re going to be able to provide enough 49-year old male prostiutes to satisfy Pastor Ted! He gets that meth up his nose and he’s like a machine!!”

Tommy Tester, a Baptist minister will be coming to the Twin Cities too. Driving his pick-up truck from Bristol, VA, Pastor Tester plans on bringing his own case of vodka and his own bottle of oxycodone along the way. Out of respect for his love of singing gospel music on his radio show on WZAP, Ron Carey has asked Pastor Tester to sing the National Anthem in the opening ceremonies.

“We’ve reminded Pastor Tester” Carey said, “that he is not allowed to solicit sexual favors to the St Paul Police Department. We’ve told him that while the Bristol Police Department might decide to ignore such infidelities, we’ve checked with Chief Hamilton and Pastor Tester is strictly forbidden to propose oral sex on the male police officer corps.”

Ron Carey added: “We will let Pastor Tester wear his skirt however. He was pretty upset by Chief Hamilton’s rule so we told him he could wear his skirt on stage while singing the National Anthem.”

The GOP has also announced that has requested that Jeff Gannon to be present at the GOP 2008 Convention. Jeff Gannon, made famous by bloggers at Americablog and The Daily Kos, was found for staying for up to four days in the White House with no record of leaving. Mr. Gannon was famous for dressing up in a US Marine Corps uniform and escorting his client and providing “companionship”.

Ron Carey half-heartedly expected that phone call at anytime. The White House has enjoyed a close and personal relationship with Mr. Gannon ever since he started his USMC website paid for by his own business Bedrock Corp. Gannon, frequently posing nude on porn sites such as “Meetlocalmen.com” and “workingboys.net” using the moniker “Bulldog”. Gannon’s solicitous tag line on his prostitution websites was:

Big SPORTS Fan: Will go to the game with you, then take you home and….

“AGGRESIVE, VERBAL, DOMINANT TOP”
I DON’T LEAVE MARKS….ONLY IMPRESSIONS

While the White House will argue whether Jeff Gannon is the “domintant top” as he claims, they are none too excited to get Gannon “top-billing” and tell the GOP how great it’s been to “serve at the pleasure of the President”.

Senator Lautenburg had sent a letter requesting Jeff Gannon’s press pass credentials two and a half years ago where his credentials were summarily revoked. Whereas the upcoming GOP 2008 Convention, Gannon will have his press-pass creditials returned and be allowed to continue his “Talon News” agency all over again.

Ron Carey explained: “It’s not a big mystery that Jeff Gannon is President Bush’s favorite whore. I mean, they wouldn’t come out and directly admit it – why should they? But Gannon had a temporary White House press pass, and remember that President Bush called on him by name. With an obscure temporary press pass in the White House Press Room, do you think the President would even know who he was if there wasn’t some kind of hanky-panky going on? Yeah..Gannon is definetely Bush’s whore. Nobody else gets to play with Gannon except for the President.”

Ron Carey was also quick to point out that they’re not really too sure how to handle all of these Republicans sexual appetites for the upcoming GOP convention. “We’re talking about an awful lot of clients with tons of tax-free money!” he said.

We’ve begun a recruiting campaign by soliciting the use of outlets such as Craigs List, and Family Watch Dog.com.

When asked why they would use a sexual predator website to look for prostitutes, Ron Carey replied: “Because we need every hooker, prostitute and whore, male or female to be ready at a moment’s notice. This isn’t some gumshoe low-key event here, you know! We will be needing a lot of freaky and disease free prostitutes! Did I mention that all of this money is tax-free? Remember; the GOP is sensitive to the small business woman and business man. We know how hard it is to build a business and since prostitution is the oldest profession – we want to recognize them too. We’ll take any kind of sexual pervert regardless of race, sex or even sexual orientation. In fact, if your a gay whore — Please think of soliciting at the upcoming GOP 2008 Convention!”

We also spent a few minutes talking to the local whores to get their reaction about next years GOP 2008 Convention and we got a surprising reaction. Almost all of the prostitutes we spoke with have plans on inviting their friends.

One girl, who identified herself as “Gina” that we interviewed explained it this way: “Look. How many Republicans have you f*#$@ ? …How many people can make that claim?! Not a lot of people will ever be able to say that they’ve truly had a chance to F*$#@ a Republican…and get paid to do it?!!

That Ron Carey dude was talking to my good friend Shandra and begging her to stay in downtown and she said the same thing! You know that one Republican dude… Umm… What’s his name? Norm Coleman? His daddy picked me up on the east side of 7th over there by the Lafayette Bridge and and he wanted me to s*$% him off and all of a sudden – the cops was everywhere. So I say; “Bring your freekie-deekie on!”

So with their Bibles thumping and their peckers burning, the GOP will be sinking a great deal of money into the Twin Cities economy. The hotel industry is already limited in availability, but the seedier motel chains throughout the Twin Cities is expected to be extremely limited.

Minnesota State Highway Patrol have beefed up patrols around and behind the roadside rests. Minneapolis and St Paul police departments along with the surrounding suburbs have plans on beefing up security at all of the city parks. Shopping mall managers have been notified by city officials to check their public mens restrooms and repair any glory holes that might be seen in the toilet stalls.

*** UPDATE ***

Republican and chairman of St. Bernard Parish Council, Joey DiFatta has announced he will be arriving to Minneapolis/St Paul to attend the GOP festivities. He has put together a syllabus and will be conducting workshops called “Toe Tapping if Fun: How to meet that special One”.

Said DiFatta: “Everything is in there! My workshops include “Making Glory Holes”, “Talking Dirty In The Can”, I even have a course called “Toilet Toe Tapping: Beyond the Morse Code”. I’ll teach you about payment options for your anonymous sexual encounter, how to tell if they’re a cop or not, I can even teach you my secrets to cruising rest stops along the Interstates! If you can’t get someone to fool around with in the men’s room or porn shops after taking my course, you’re either stupid or dumb!”

 

Found in an alley

Doing the Lord’s work

Another man found doing the “Lord’s work” by hiring a prostitute and offering to pay for her services by writing a check. At seventy-four and obviously armed with a fresh bottle of Viagra, the President of the Christian Action League is arrested for solisiting the services of a prostitute.

Privette, 74, was charged with six counts of misdemeanor aiding and abetting prostitution by renting a hotel room and paying for sexual acts, according to State Bureau of Investigation Agent Kevin Canty. Tiffany Denise Summers, 32, of Salisbury, was charged with six counts of misdemeanor prostitution, Canty said.

Yes, it’s true! Another Republican discovered for his “strong American values” and his core belief that God defined marriage between one man and one prostitute wife.

For over three decades, Privette has been one of the best known and most outrageous spokesmen for “family values” and Christian extreme right politics in North Carolina. In the 1970s, he was serving as minister at the North Kannapolis Baptist Church when he joined the tide of evangelicals entering politics that included the Moral Majority and Christian Coalition. He served in the N.C. Legislature from 1984 to 1992, and has been a member of the board of commissioners in Cabarrus County since 1998.

My favorite comment in this piece is about half way down in the piece:

 

I noticed that his organization didn’t have this story up on their web site, so I sent them the link and a reminder that they neglected to include this important news about the wonderful work they’re doing for the lord.

Just want to help out where I can, ya know?

DailyKos beat up by Bill O’Reilly’s Army of the Idiotic

Bill O’Reilly, who enlightened all of his viewers on the horrors full of hate-speech that goes on at the DailyKos has finally won the battle. The writers at the DailyKos have throw in the white flag and have been begging and pleading for BillO’s mercy and everlasting benevolence.

Please, Bill O’Reilly, spare us from your savage and inexplicable rage. We can’t take any more of it. Being defended by Keith Olbermann… being roundly and sternly publicized by Stephen Colbert… it’s all too much. The extra traffic, the publicity, the footage of your narcissistic tantrums… the subsequent exposure of hate speech and death threats on your pay-to-post blog. How can any liberal website withstand such a well-planned assault?

It would appear that BillO can hang three gold stars around the name plate on his dressing room. It’s glaringly obvious those liberals at the DailyKos have been truly defeated.

Their plea for mercy finishes tragically by sayin:

So please, Bill, refrain from mentioning us on your programs. Please do not berate us on theradio, or on your television show, or in the loofah aisle of whatever store one purchases such things. What would be really, really too much to bear is if you tattooed the name of our website on your broad, pale forehead as reminder to everyone about how evil we are. Please, please don’t do that. Surely, somewhere in your heart, you still have within you the jagged remnants of mercy.

Stephen Colbert applauds BillO’s war on the DailyKos and compliments the Loofa King for a job well done.

Senator Vitter Inists on an improved image for the GOP

Hooker-lover, Senator David Vitter (R-LA) attended a power-lunch for prominent GOP’ers in Washington today. Just seven days after pleading forgiveness for admitting his love for the “Ladies of the Evening”, he got up again and addressed his colleagues.

He spoke bravely on the subject of the need to improve the GOP “image” and how they need to rebrand themselves as the “fiscally responsible party”. Rumors have it that there was a great deal of vomiting during the speech while others were mysteriously coughing into their fists and uttering a noise that resembled something like “b*sh*t”.