Red State Update: Apologizing to Fred Thompson

via Crooks and Liars, Travis has Jonathan in an arm-lock forcing him to apologize about Fred Thompson being such a terrible candidate (even though Thompson was supposed to be the “Great White Hope” for the GOP).

FruitFly 6In case nobody’s paying attention, Thompson came in behind the “write-in” in New Hampshire. Just make sure you don’t tell anybody… Speaking ill about the Republican’s is a felony in most states.

Redstate Continues to spit on Paulites

Ron Paul Foreign PolicyI actually like watching Republicans kicking each other in the groin. Seriously! It’s like watching Jackass, The Movie III. Better than watching Wee-Man go flying through a wall of florescent light-bulbs with a red -flare rocket strapped to his skateboard…

They hate Willard Romney. He’s a flip-flopper…unless you’re a southern conservative. In the South, he’s a Satan Worshipper, in spite of Bob Jones Jr. endorsing him long before Huckleberry became popular.

Rudy’s just a dirt-bag who uses tax-payer monies to use NYPD as bodyguards for the protection of his mistress and her family. But they don’t seem to care about government waste when it comes to adultry and New York’s finest. Rudy’s sins don’t qualify recognition with the “fiscal conservative” wig-wams, “religious conservative” wigwams or even “social conservative” wigwams. His children will have nothing to do with him and even his fucking priest has been charged with sexual assault.

Fred Thompson geeks are too stoned or far too strung out to know why they support that “Hollywood hunk”. Redstate just loves Grandpa Fred and the rest of Team GOP thinks Fred’s a lazy ass and he’s just in the way. They don’t kick out Fred Thompson geeks, even though Ron Paul gets a 10% better poll rating than Fred-Hollywood.

Personally, I think it’s nothing but GOP Hedonism. Pick on the punk because its easy to hate the skinny kid.

Example: Redstate beats up Ron Paul’s cheer-leading squad.

But I have never in my life witnessed the sort of zealotry that attaches some to Ron Paul.

Can anyone explain this to me? Why have so many otherwise sane-seeming people gone completely bug**** crazy over this flake?

I wasn’t just tossing a cheap joke into the last post. Seriously, honestly: Let us put aside indelicate questions about Ron Paul’s possible anti-semitism, racism, etc. Just let’s leave that be for a moment.

Can Ron Paul’s defenders please justify voting for a man who appears, based on the evidence, to be mentally unstable and haunted by a livable and low-grade, but quite real, case of paranoid schizophrenia?

“Who cares?” you say?

Ron Paul geeks; that’s who. Paulites.

Recently, Fox Noise kicked Ron Paul off their Weiner Roast Forum and the Paulites reacted…badly. In New Hampshire, they tracked down Sean Hannity, angry about being removed from the Weiner Roast. Instead of torches and pitchforks, the crazed Ron Paul mob chased “Sergeant Shultz” down the street equipped with hand-held GPS, IPODs, MP3’s, two Dell laptops and sixteen Sony digital video-cams.

Don’t believe me? Click my favorite link here:

frinkYou might remember, only three months ago – Redstate kicked out the entire Ron Paul cheer-leading squad because they were a.) lame and b.) had apparently seen more flying saucers than Dennis Kucinich on a clear day on the side of a rain forest mountain smoking hemp with Shirley McLain. Out of huge protest, Redstate capitulated and decided to let the rodents back into the rats nest. Once again, the Paulites were happy.

In today’s world; Redstate ridicules the Paulites and treats them the same way as their own King George used to blow up frogs with firecracker-enimas.

In the past twenty-odd years, it’s always been the GOP who’s been goose-stepping their way to Congress and it shows in their miserable success of der klitzeklein dummkopf, “King George”. This election cycle is different. This election year: Watching the GOP makes me want to sing Sondheim’sFruitFly 6 Send in the Clowns.

Don’t you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you’d want what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don’t bother, they’re here.

Redstate is Blaming the GOP for Turning Virginia Blue

Old FruitfliesThis is awesome… From Redstate:

Here’s a case study on why the GOP is failing in Virginia. It has taken me some time to compile this. I wanted to talk to representatives of the various candidates. They confirm what I report below. Likewise, I talked to a Democrat who confirms that the Democratic Party of Virginia did not stoop to the level of jackassery that the Republican Party of Virginia did.

In Virginia, all candidates must collect a minimum of 10,000 signatures from registered voters to get on the ballot. To make it tougher, the signatures must be collected on forms provided by the board of elections and the forms must be signed AND NOTARIZED by the solicitor. Its a big big undertaking.

Once the petitions were due, the state board of elections immediately turned them over to the respective state party chairs. The party chairs have complete authority to determine who qualifies and who doesn’t.

The Virginia Democratic Party actually went out and collected 7,500 signatures for each of their presidential candidates. Edwards, Richardson, and Kucinich all submitted the bare minimum of 10,000 signatures. Guess what? They were all approved.

Giuliani In Dragblah blah blah… and then this:

Contrast that with the Republican Party of Virginia:

Romney, Fred, Rudy, McCain, Huckabee, and Paul all filed over 15,000 signatures each – well above the recommended minimums.

So what did the Virginia GOP do? Well, they did absolutely nothing to help any of the candidates other than put out clipboards at their state fair booth.

Then they decided to attempt some kind of unprecedented “verification” process.

blah blah blah… and finally this:

Meanwhile the Democrats will be on the ballot in Virginia – a state that probably won’t even matter in this process since their primary is February 12th – and they’ll all be focusing on building their ground game to beat us.

The Virginia GOP should be embarrassed.

What’s the matter with our party???????

Keep LeftLOL! I’m reminded of a story I read back in September ’07 when Virginia State Senator Devolites Davis (R-Fairfax Co.)…:

On the campaign trail, Devolites Davis describes herself as an independent, a moderate who can best represent a centrist constituency. At a forum Thursday night before Equality Fairfax, a gay-rights organization, she called herself a “RINO” — Republican in Name Only — a derogatory term used by members of the GOP’s conservative wing.

Republican Virginians have been pandering for votes from the Virginia GLBT voters for the past six months while the Redstate geeks pretend not to be interested.

GOPLet’s not ignore the GOP ballot in Virginia in 2004 when they kicked “The Gays” in the teeth with a ballot that yanked any dismal idea of “partnership” rights between two people of the same sex. That included those business labels like “LLC” partnerships and applying for fishing licenses for trout steams where you and your “partner” needed to buy some bait.

These are the same Republicans who are now groveling themselves in front of GLBT groups happily identifying themselves with acronyms that identify themselves as GOP shit and spit.

Redstate contributors must have ate the lead-paint when they were kids. They’re only about five months behind the curve-ball on what’s going on in Virginia.

In 10 months, they’ll be running another surprise piece on how stunned they are that Virginia elected Mark Warner to US Senate and has become the first official Southern State to turn Blue since 1964.

The Dems already own the Commonwealth’s Senate, and they elected a Dem to succeed Warner as Governor. Virgnians kicked out George Allen in exchange for anti-Iraqi warFruitFly 6 Blue-Dog Jim Webb. Now when they have state senators happily bragging to be called a “RINO”, you know it’s going to be bad.

Really bad…. Psss! …Really, really bad.

Iowegians goes to Caucus

alice-goes-to-caucus.jpgIt’s the Iowa Caucus, everybody!! Have you heard?! It’s the Iowa Caucus! It’s finally here! Finish up with the milking, get those chickens fed, let’s head on into town and let’s do some caucusing!!!

Not so fast you Republicans… You guys have a whole lot less to be thrilled about. Apparently, the Mormon Church’s “Dialing For Mittens” campaign is having an opposite reaction to the expected. Romney’s white-shirt-black-tie Dailing Army has become so annoying, Republicans are leaving the party campaign and voting for Obama instead!

One interesting item: Republican turnout calls are picking up Obama supporters on Republican caucus-goers lists. There is going to be a good government/reform vote for Obama crossing over from outside the usual Dem base; especially moderate GOP women. I’ve predicted an Obama Iowa win for a year and I am more confident than ever now. The difference is most local Iowa operatives of both parties now seem to think it’ll be Obama as well.

Richelieu goes on with the painful truth:

The Huckabee versus Romney race is very tight. Caucus turnout could be low; under 78,000 and that would help Huckabee. The crossover for Obama hurts a regular Republican like Romney who needs all the non-Christian conservative votes he can get. No doubt Romney has gained a tremendous amount in last 30 days, but it may not be enough. Mitt’s troops in eastern Iowa are confident and feel they dominate. Operatives in west Iowa and Polk county are far more worried.

Aww…Tough break for the Republicans!!! When the conservatives in big media are chewin’ their nails, it doesn’t seem to be a Blue Red Ribbon season for the Republicans! (Should have thought off all that when they swiped our Habeas Corpus and urinated on our Constitutionally guaranteed right to privacy!)

Even Andrew Sullivan, America’s most famous gay conservative, has a cute little story of an Iowegian lass who flips over the Big “O”:

I am a 31 year old single, professional female, and Iowa native living in Iowa City. I will be a first-time caucus goer tonight. I switched my affiliation from Republican to Democrat only a couple months ago. After many months of being drowned in candidates here in Iowa (I think we ceased having real commercials on TV about a week ago, its been nothing but back-to-back political ads for days), I fully expected to feel relief that this day was finally here. More because I knew tomorrow all the incessant phone calls would stop (Mitt Romney’s campaign called once while I was listening to Obama speak) and life could get back to normal.

I was really surprised to find that when I woke up this morning and saw “Caucus” written on my calendar for today, I was actually excited. Excited to get to participate tonight. Excited when I came to work and found a decorated “O” cookie on my desk from a co-worker. Very excited to be among the very first in the nation to cast a vote for Barack Obama. The only other time I’ve ever been excited or optimistic about a candidate was for John McCain back in 1996, during his plaid shirt days, but even then I wasn’t motivated enough to caucus.asses of evil

And while Republican ooze channels its way through Iowa’s back roads and logging trails, the vaporous stench of corruption is leaking through the doors and crannies into the one room school houses where Republican caucusing takes place. The Brad Blog and Black Box Voting are stumping for attention on a few important messages:

The Iowa Republicans have NOT publicly agreed to promptly release precinct results for the Jan. 3 caucus. Instead, we are seeing bait and switch tactics, as they emphasize to caucus participants that the counting will be done in public at the precinct. While they keep your eye focused on the front end,housefly a switch can take place at the back end. When they release a total result to the media without releasing the individual precinct results at the same time, there is no way at all for citizens to confirm that their precinct results added up to the announced total.

Please CONTACT both the Iowa Republican Party and the Iowa Secretary of State to tell them you expect to see those precinct results published at the SAME time they announce the statewide total. Iowa Republican Party: (515) 282-8105 Iowa Secretary of State: 515-281-0145
515-281-7142 (Fax) sos@sos.state.ia.usGiuliani Smackdown

Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking too: “The Republicans are so corrupt, they’ll infiltrate their own caucuses.”

Rotten Rudy Giuliani’s campaign is quickly becoming the laughing stock of the entire Gee-oh-Peee. When everybody thought it was that Arkansas Governor-slash-Jesus-Idiot who ditched Iowegians last night to be on Jay Leno and scab the Writers picket-line who would be the biggest joke, Giuliani simply ditcheds the entire state!! John Marshall says it best (via Crooks and Liars):

In Iowa, where admittedly Rudy hasn’t made much of a run at it, he now appears on track to come in last place among the major candidates. And, to be clear, I’m here defining ‘major’ rather generously as including Ron Paul. In other words, sixth place.

In New Hampshire, Rudy is similarly dropping like a stone. He may still come in third ahead of Mike Huckabee, though they now seem to be roughly tied there.

Nationally, Rudy appears either tied with Huckabee or in a three or four way tie with Huckabee, Romney and McCain, depending on which of the very most recent polls you look at. And expect that number (to borrow the Army aphorism) not to survive first contact with his drubbing in Iowa and New Hampshire.

tsk tsk… Poor Rudy! By the time his buddy Bernard Kerik appears in court to stand trial for being a Major Douche-bag – His race will be..will be… Hell – it’ll be a bigger laughing stock than Alan Keyes’ ehem…”Presidential Campaign”. Black Garbage Fly Says the Carpet Bagger Report of the Rudy and the Iowa Republican caucus goers:

Then, of course, Republicans got a good look at the guy, heard what he had to say, learned about Giuliani’s background, and dropped him like a hot potato. His campaign pulled out of the Ames straw poll, and Giuliani’s support in the state has been in free-fall ever since.

Fred Thompson…And Fredrick of Hollywood Thompson’s campaign? How’s he been doing? Well, when they’re not leaving his campaign and giving him the finger, his campaign staffers are emailing GOP mooks everywhere and asking them to write letters to friends and family to vote for Thompson. (Because he’s way too tired to write each and every letter himself!) Presumably that Republican political activists are far too stupid to write a letter of support for Thompson’s campaign, his campaign staffers offer tips on how to write a letter, and some brilliant ideas to include in the body of the letter.

1. Write 5 or more brief note cards telling an Iowa voter why Fred was a wonderful Senator and why he will make a great President. Many Tennesseans have a personal story to share. Or, if you prefer, use one of the talking points listed below.

2. Suggested greeting: “Dear Friend” or “Dear Fellow Republican.”

3. Suggested closing:

I hope that when you make your important decision, you’ll realize, as I have, that Fred Thompson deserves your vote. Unlike some candidates, he’s a consistent conservative. He was a conservative when he represented me in Tennessee. He’s a conservative today. And he’ll be a conservative as President.

Oooo… It just warms the cauculs of my soul! I’m going to find my No. 2 pencil and my wide-margin tablet and get to work right now!

…And to think about the time when Chris Matthews goes on his show and gushes about how “sexy” Fred Thompson by imagining he smells like Old Spice and hot-Daddy musk oil. It makes you want to laugh until you accidentally leak out a little pee in your bloomers.

houseflyBut the best is for the last (of course!). And that’s when the founders of RedState, one of the Republican’s most popular blog, beats the shit out of the entire GOP line-up…Literally.

First: I have withheld any statement of support for any GOP Presidential candidate because it seemed like bad idea, as a Director of the site, to make such an endorsement, and — God, how I’ve waited to say this — because the whole damned lot can go to Hell. What an incompetent mass of horse rear-flesh bound up in what, on paper, is one of the most talented groups the GOP has ever had. I could go on, but the full thing is in my concurrently posted piece, And the horses you all rode in on, one at a time, then rotate.

Red State founder Thomas demonstrates that he holds a special “fondness” for Mittens Romney with this:

His freaking political campaign is a cult, and I could have been one of his supporters but for the cult he founded. A pox on everyone formally associated with the campaign, and indeed, everyone ever formally associated with that cult.

And he illustrates his “love” with this fabulous little nugget:

And yet, we’re probably stuck with you, because of the incredible incompetence of your opponents. On the Wonder Years, an otherwise awful and highly forgettable show, the narrator once noted that his parents faced a conundrum when deciding how to decorate the kitchen. Dad would insist on some tile he liked. Mom would insist on some tile she liked. They’d compromise on some tile no one in our species liked.

You are that tile, Mitt. You are the “Eh,” Candidate. Congratulations.

I just can’t catch my breath from laughing so hard. I think I’ve got some milk coming through my nose… That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard a Republican say or write in years!FruitFly 6

So get on out there Iowa!! Get those barns cleaned out, get those cows milked and somebody get those eggs picked! Get on your best gingham (blue if your a Democrat and red if your an Idiot), get that wagon hitched and go get Caucused!!!

“Suicide Watch” for the GOP has begun

LipsOuch!! Howie Klein speaks in volumes:

The Republican melee that will determine which one of the pathetic pygmies gets to ask Americans if they want a third term for George Bush has degenerated into a battle about religionism, a clear example of why the Republicans Party is destined to become a small, extremist regional political party for crackpots and loons. As ABC News reports today, “Religion is driving the Republican presidential race in Iowa, with Mike Huckabee taking the lead on the strength of overwhelming support from evangelical voters– and Mitt Romney falling behind over concerns about his Mormon faith.”

bug gooThink: “The opaque light-blue bug-shield on your Uncle’s Lincoln Continental”…

No one’s polling numbers will be impacted by racist xenophobe Tom Tancredo’s decision to withdraw from the race today after finding out that the one straw he was grasping at– and endorsement from psychotic Iowa Congressman Steve King (one of the only members of Congress as racist and bigoted as himself)– will not be forthcoming. The King endorsement was his entire Iowa game-plan– outside of the Know Nothing fear mongering. King endorsed another loser, who will also be withdrawing soon, the lazy old man with the devastatingly ambitious young wife, Fred Thompson. As for Ron Paul, the candidate of UFO enthusiasts, the KKK, neo-fascists and conspiracy nuts, he’s made a big decision– he’s keeping the $500 donation from neo-NaziFruitFly Stormfront founder Don Black whose motto is “White Pride World Wide.” Catchy. Even some of the most extreme of the far right kooks and loons think Ron Paul is off his rocker and feel uncomfortable that the Republican Party is being publicly identified with Nazis.

Sam Kinison would be proud.

Ugly-Date Night in Fredville, Utah

A total of four muffin-headed dumbasses showed up in Salt Lake City, Utah to kick off Fred “Hollywood” Thompson’s Presidential campaign: Brenda Caine, Byran Best, Grant Lynn and Jennifer Stephens. All of this information is true.

Wonkette noted the Salt Lake Tribune by entitling it: “Four Losers Show Up At Fred Thompson Event“, which I thought was hysterical.

After reading the Salt Lake piece thoroughly, I decided Sheena McFarland (the author) did a really bad job. Using the facts she’s given, I wrote my own story about these four “Fredheads” in Utah. I did change the names to prevent a lawsuit protect the innocent.

…What would it be like to show up at RNC headquarter office complex in Salt Lake City, find the conference room that was kicking off a presidential campaign for Fred Thompson — and find only only four people made up “Team Fred”? Read my piece and then go ahead and read McFarland’s version after your finished. Because I think the story should have gone a little something like this….

== = +++ ===

Fred ThompsonThe large conference room was bare with the exception of a giant sized poster of Fred Thompson on the wall. Beneath it, a table full of plastic pails filled with pin-on buttons, stacks of bumper stickers and mugs filled with ball-point pens.

On another wall, someone had made an olive drab camouflage patterned banner with the words “Go Fred! Go!” painted on it and a bouquet of balloons on each end. One table stood alone in the center of the room with a large technical-looking telephone sitting on it and one light was blinking impatiently.

Only four people were in the room, standing by themselves, none of them talking to each other. Tim Shepherd, Marvan Boode, Gigi Able and Shelly Nelson.

Tim: He’s the “smart one”. He booked the RNC conference room using his Discover card and ordered the cheese and cold-cut platters. Said Tim about Fred Thompson: “F… F… err…Fred Thompson just might win!” and then grabbed a Ritz cracker and began to nibble at it around the edges in itty-bitty bites.

Marvan, pronounced “Mar-VAN”, is the “toothy-one”. He loves Jesus and carries a Bible with him everywhere he goes.

Said “Mar-VAN”:

“While he was in the Senate, I liked his stance on the war,” Boode said, adding Thompson also fit his Christian values.

Nobody bothered to remind Mar-VAN Boode that Fred Thompson wasn’t a member of the Senate when the United States invaded Iraq in March of 2003. But it was heir apparent why he wasn’t nominated the “smart one”.

The two women of the quartet were delightful and perky.conference room

Gigi wore a snappy denim jumper with two very large blond pony-tails sticking out of her head with eyes the color of corn-flowers.

Gigi thought Fred Thompson’s announcement to enter the race was “wonderful”. Said Gigi said while gum-snapping on a stick of Juicy-Fruit:

“America has been on vacation all summer, and now [voters are] starting to pay attention,” she said.

She views Thompson as the only Republican who is strong on all areas, ranging from his anti-abortion views to talking frankly about problems with Social Security.

“He’s a solid conservative,” she said, adding that his acting experience allows him to better communicate with the media and personally connect with people through television.

Even though Fred Thompson has never been in the military, it was Thompson’s “military rhetoric” that attracted Shelly Nelson.

“Shell” as she prefers to be called, is quiet stand-offish and desperately tried to hide the Chunky Monkey stain she adopted right before the big “Thompson rally”. Being a former Marine herself, “Shell” has a firm handshake that’ll pull your shoulder out of the socket. Nelson hung around the snack-table shoeing away the flies and grumbling her disappointment in the low-turnout.

Armed with her eyeglasses case fastened to her belt to the right of her gig-line and a key-clip right behind her cell-phone holster on the left, Nelson swayed back and forth in her excessively-tight jeans and a flannel shirt minus the bra. Occasionally, she double-checked for text-messages on her phone and was heard muttering “Dang it…why doesn’t she call me?!??”

Speaker PhoneWhen Fred Thompson’s voice was finally heard the speaker-phone sitting in the middle of the room, all four of them came together like a campfire song. Thompson’s voice thundered throughout the chamber and said:

It’s time to be resolute and firm,” he said. “We face enemies who have no conscience and follow no rules.

Gigi chewed on a jagged fingernail and made mini-jumping hops. “He’s sounds so dreamy” she oozed. Tim immediately shushed her and desperately scrambled for the Mute button.

Thompson went on with his official “Presidential Telephonic Invasion” by reminding his faithful followers that he would be the candidate who wouldn’t just give lip service to topics such as the war in Iraq.

Nelson snapped to attention and held a statuesque salute to an imaginary general while Thompson spoke and “Mar-VAN” grinned as he pushed his red plastic-framed glasses up his nose. Tim, quietly slipped into the hallway for a Merit Ultra-Light and wondered if anybody even bothered tasting the olive tapenade he’d made from scratch.

Once the “rally” was complete and Thompson thanked his faithful followers, “Shell” grabbed her keys and headed for the table full of Thompson memorabilia. Deciding on a bumper-sticker, Shell left the RNC offices and climbed into her Ford 150, stopping briefly to notice the slight flat she’d adopted in the Michelin on the front driver’s side.

With a fresh stick of Juicy Fruit in her mouth, Gigi giggled and thanked the RNC office manager manager for the great time she had three nights earlier.

Within minutes after the meeting finished, Mar-VAN’s mom pulled up to the carport and honked the horn impatiently with two intoxicated Italian men passed out in the back seat of the Mustang convertible.

Feeling refreshed and invigorated, Tim settled the bill at the front desk and left with his rolled-up Fred Thompson poster under his arm. Once inside his beat-up Volvo, Tim turned up the radio, as his favorite song “Don’t you, forget about me” had just started.

FruitFly 6Once out on the boulevard and into the starry night, Tim could be heard above the speakers shouting: “Hey Hey Heyyyyy! Oooooooo-woah!!!!”

Republicans: Queer as a Three-Dollar Bill

rotten fruitThe Republican Party is turning out to be nothing more than a political “Gay Pride Parade!”

I’m just sitting here minding my own business when this guy interrupts my nap with a comment saying: “Hey, did you see the new Giuliani ad that says makes the ‘connection’ between Larry Craig and Fred Thompson?” And then he leaves me this link here. Fred Grandy

It’s a viral video thingamajig with a motor-mouth of a guy driving down the road claiming that he was one of the Congressional pages who was molested by in 1982 during the last Republican gay-raid and that he had diddled every one of them from Fred Thompson to Fred Grandy!

The video finishes by saying simply: Rudy, Not Gay – Never a Senator.

RudyWait a second…Rudy’s not gay? Fred Thompson and Fred Grandy are gay?

Rudy runs around in ballroom gowns with rich guys trying to kiss him and take his hand for a dance. He’s not gay. And this is the guy who’sGiuliani In Drag telling everybody that he’s not gay, but he’s got people cheering for him saying Craig’s not gay (even though he’s been arrested for lewd acts in the Minneapolis/St Paul International Airport and has plead guilty to the charges). And these are the same people saying that now Fred Thompson is gay, Fred Grandy is gay and mentions the fact that Craig was in Minneapolis because two of Mitt Romney’s sons are working here in Minneapolis!

TCGRAnd what are Mitt Romney’s two sons doing here in Minneapolis? Finding other bathrooms? Better bathrooms? Bathrooms with less traffic? Quieter bathrooms?

And why are these Republicans so vile hateful to “The Gays”? And yet they’re spending time dressing up in drag, molesting other men in restrooms and pointing to each other declaring them to be the ones who are gay?

FruitFlyThese Republicans are as Queer as a three-dollar bill!

For Chrissakes guys…Butch it up at least once in a while.

…and that’s my two cents worth! Now I can return to my nap.