Prostitution and the GOP 2008 Convention

Old FruitfliesIt’s no secret that the Republican party has been embroiled in a series of scandals involving prostitution in the past few years. With the upcoming GOP 2008 Convention in St Paul/Minneapolis, there’s been a shortage of available prostitutes. Minnesota GOP chair, Ron Carey, has publicly announce they will begin recruiting whores and prostitutes through venues such as Craigs List.

Said Mr. Carey, about the recruiting: “John Harrington, asManwhore you know, has done and excellent job at cleaning up the streets of St Paul! Look around the Xcel Energy Center and up along 7th Street and you can’t find a whore anywhere! With the GOP’s insatiable desire for an occasional “piece of tail” outside of their own marriage, we’re having to go to a more unorthodox style of recruiting whores and prostitutes.”

Bob Allen R-Florida (Prostitute/Racist)While we might think recruiting “whores and prostitutes” relates to the importation of females. However, this GOP 2008 Convention will be demanding the services of male prostitutes as well. Bob Allen, (R-FL) who was the co-chair of John McCain Presidential campaign in FL has stated he he looking forward to sight-seeing St Paul’s public parks and interacting with St Paul’s African-American male population.

HookersSaid Allen: “Someone said I should go check out ‘Rice Park‘. Is this a nice place? Is it a great place to hang out? How are the restrooms? Are the rest rooms clean? Should I bring a towel or are there paper towel dispensers that are checked regularly? Are there a lot of scary looking black guys that hang out at that park?! I don’t want to be a statistic or anything, but if are any scary looking black guys who’d be interested in a $20-bill…Oooo…..I just can’t wait to get to St Paul. I’ve been asked to be a delegate this year you know!! The GOP has been so great!”

Coy Privette, another GOP delegate out of North CarolinaCoy Privette who will be present for the GOP 2008 Convention, has stated that he prefers the GOP “Luscious Ladies” instead of the GOP “Studs” which will be provided. Said Coy in an interview at his home in Kannapolis, NC: “I ain’t never had any Yankee ‘poontang’ b’fore! But I sure ain’t gonna turn it down if they let me have my pick!! Now I got one question before I accept this generous offer by the GOP: Can I write a check for her services?!”

GOP Chairman Ron Carey has since announced that personal checks will not be honored. All GOP-recruited prostitutes have been instructed that cash-only paid in full is the rule and untraceable small-bills are preferred.

Glenn Murphy?!?Glenn Murphy, former National Chair of the Young Republican National Federation, has been told he will not be allowed to be a delegate at the GOP 2008 Convention. But he has been asked to help withYRNF the decorations inside of the Xcel Energy Center. Murphy, who was caught performing oral sex on a 22-year old Young Republican National Federation candidate while he was sleeping, was ecstatic for the opportunity.

Murphy said smugly and shyly: “I’ve been asked to blow up the balloons.”

David Vitter is a homosexual?David Vitter, Louisiana’s favorite GOP Senator, has stated publicly stating that he will not be enlisting the services of any Yankee whore. Instead, Senator Vitter has insisted on bringing his own “Cajun Tail”. FEMA has dispatched a fleet of school buses to collect the entire stable of New Orleans whores and ship them up to the Twin Cities.

One FEMA official was upset because she was given five casesOld Bay Seasoning of Old Bay seasoning and asked to hand out one can to each hooker as she climbed onto the buss.

“I axed him; “Whaddya want me to do with the Ol’Bay?!” said the FEMA official. “I told him that Old Bay was good for crabs! … and shrimps! And da man said while he was winking at me — he says; ‘You know…’suck the heads…pinch the tails’!”

The GOP’s “Moral Majority” 2008 Campaign wouldn’t be complete without their trusty “Choir Boys”. Chairman Carey grins when he uses the term, but he’s really referring to the heavy-handed religious branch of the Grand Old Party. “We haven’t forgotten the ‘choir boys” and Carey chuckles all over Pros Wantedagain. “Ted Haggard has been panhandling his former flock in Colorado Springs hoping to raise enough money to attend the GOP 2008 Convention. Pastor Ted told me he’ll show up packing enough meth to blow up Canada.”

Said Carey: “Pastor Ted is a very tough customer too. He’s like a rabbit. He bounces from one seedy motel to another. I don’t know how we’re going tohaggard and bush be able to provide enough 49-year old male prostiutes to satisfy Pastor Ted! He gets that meth up his nose and he’s like a machine!!”

Tommy Tester, a Baptist minister will be coming to the Twin Cities too. Driving his pick-up truck from Bristol, VA, Pastor Tester plans on bringing his own case of vodka andTommy Tester his own bottle of oxycodone along the way. Out of respect for his love of singing gospel music on his radio show on WZAP, Ron Carey has asked Pastor Tester to sing the National Anthem in the opening ceremonies.

“We’ve reminded Pastor Tester” Carey said, “that he is not allowed to solicit sexual favors to the St Paul Police Department. We’ve told him that while the Bristol Police Department might decide to ignore such infidelities, we’ve checked with Chief Hamilton and Pastor Tester is strictly forbidden to propose oral sex on the male police officer corps.”Swaggart

Ron Carey added: “We will let Pastor Tester wear his skirt however. He was pretty upset by Chief Hamilton’s rule so we told him he could wear his skirt on stage while singing the National Anthem.”

Jeff Gannon4The GOP has also announced that has requested that Jeff Gannon to be present at the GOP 2008 Convention. Jeff Gannon, made famous by bloggers at Americablog and The Daily Kos, was found for staying for up to four days in the White House with no record of leaving. Mr. Gannon was famous for dressing up in a US Marine Corps uniform and escorting his client and providing “companionship”.

Ron Carey half-heartedly expected that phone call at anytime. The White House has enjoyed a close and personal relationship with Mr. Gannon ever since he started his USMC website paid for by his own business Bedrock Corp. Gannon, frequently posing nude on porn sites such as “Meetlocalmen.com” and “workingboys.net” using the moniker “Bulldog”. Gannon’s solicitous tag line on his prostitution websites was:Jeff Gannon2

Big SPORTS Fan: Will go to the game with you, then take you home and….

“AGGRESIVE, VERBAL, DOMINANT TOP”
I DON’T LEAVE MARKS….ONLY IMPRESSIONS

While the White House will argue whether Jeff Gannon is theJeff Gannon 3 “domintant top” as he claims, they are none too excited to get Gannon “top-billing” and tell the GOP how great it’s been to “serve at the pleasure of the President”.

Senator Lautenburg had sent a letter requesting Jeff Gannon’s press pass credentials two and a half years ago where his credentials were summarily revoked. Whereas the upcoming GOP 2008 Convention, Gannon will have his press-pass creditials returned and be allowed to continue his “Talon News” agency all over again.

Ron Carey explained: “It’s not a big mystery that Jeff Gannon is President Bush’s favorite whore. I mean, they wouldn’t come out and directly admit it – why should they? ButJeff Gannon Gannon had a temporary White House press pass, and remember that President Bush called on him by name. With an obscure temporary press pass in the White House Press Room, do you think the President would even know who he was if there wasn’t some kind of hanky-panky going on? Yeah..Gannon is definetely Bush’s whore. Nobody else gets to play with Gannon except for the President.”

Ron Carey was also quick to point out that they’re not really too sure how to handle all of these Republicans sexual appetites for the upcoming GOP convention. “We’re talking about an awful lot of clients with tons of tax-free money!” he said.

prostituteWe’ve begun a recruiting campaign by soliciting the use of outlets such as Craigs List, and Family Watch Dog.com.

When asked why they would use a sexual predator website to look for prostitutes, Ron Carey replied: “Because we need every hooker, prostitute and whore, male or female to be ready at a moment’s notice. This isn’t some gumshoe low-key event here, you know! We will be needing a lot of freaky and disease free prostitutes! Did I mention that all of this money is tax-free? Remember; the GOP is sensitive to the small business woman and business man. We know how hard it is to build a business and since prostitution is the oldest profession – we want to recognize them too. We’ll take any kind of sexual pervert regardless of race, sex or even sexual orientation. In fact, if your a gay whore — Please think of soliciting at the upcoming GOP 2008 Convention!”

We also spent a few minutes talking to the local whores to get their reaction about next years GOP 2008 Convention and we got a surprising reaction. Almost all of the prostitutes we spoke with have plans on inviting their friends.

One girl, who identified herself as “Gina” that we interviewedProstitute explained it this way: “Look. How many Republicans have you f*#$@ ? …How many people can make that claim?! Not a lot of people will ever be able to say that they’ve truly had a chance to F*$#@ a Republican…and get paid to do it?!!

That Ron Carey dude was talking to my good friend Shandra and begging her to stay in downtown and she said the same thing! You know that one Republican dude… Umm… What’s his name? Norm Coleman? His daddy picked me up on the east side of 7th over there by the Lafayette Bridge and and he wanted me to s*$% him off and all of a sudden – the cops was everywhere. So I say; “Bring your freekie-deekie on!”

So with their Bibles thumping and their peckers burning, the GOP will be sinking a great deal of money into the Twin Cities economy. The hotel industry is already limited in availability, but the seedier motel chains throughout the Twin Cities is expected to be extremely limited.

MeMinnesota State Highway Patrol have beefed up patrols around and behind the roadside rests. Minneapolis and St Paul police departments along with the surrounding suburbs have plans on beefing up security at all of the city parks. Shopping mall managers have been notified by city officials to check their public mens restrooms and repair any glory holes that might be seen in the toilet stalls.

*** UPDATE ***

Republican and chairman of St. Bernard Parish Council, Joey DiFatta has announced he will be arriving to Minneapolis/St Paul to attend the GOP festivities. He has put together aJoey DiFatta syllabus and will be conducting workshops called “Toe Tapping if Fun: How to meet that special One”.

Said DiFatta: “Everything is in there! My workshops include “Making Glory Holes”, “Talking Dirty In The Can”, I even have a course called “Toilet Toe Tapping: Beyond the Morse Code”. I’ll teach you about payment options for your anonymous sexual encounter, how to tell if they’re a cop or not, I can even teach you my secrets to cruising rest stops along the Interstates! If you can’t get someone to fool around with in the men’s room or porn shops after taking my course, you’re either stupid or dumb!”

 

A Fruit Fly Rant: An Excuse For Prosecuting Christians

RantConservative Christians have been claiming the “poor persecuted” gripe for years now. And, while they seem to completely empty on pointing out exactly when society actually persecuted them, they milk the mantra completely to death.

When I was a kid, I heard all of them. All of them! Let’s see if I can come up wit… Got it!

There was a time (when exactly is never clarified) when the king (which king?) ruled that Christianity was to be illegal. So this kind sent out his men and persecuted everybody who professed to be a Christian. The Royal decree proclaimed that not only Christians be persecuted, but their Holy Bibles were to be destroyed.

Well, then the king’s were coming to this village and this little old lady heard about the decree and knew her Holy Bible would be destroyed. So the old lady made a pie, and she tucked her precious Holy Bible inside of the pie and filled the rest of the space with her fruit filling.

So, when the men came into her home they searched everywhere for a Holy Bible but couldn’t find one. And the little old lady offered them a piece of her pie which they ate it with relish. Satisfied that the little old lady was not a Christian and she had no Bible, they left her house alone where she prayed and read her Bible in piece.

<yawn>

Complete rubbish. But, the opportunity of the prominent Christians in our society play the cliche at every opportunity.

Jerry Falwell – On the main page of his website you’ll find the phrase describing the contents of his propaganda piece “National Liberty Journal”:

Identify the key religious freedom cases of the day, as people of faith continue to be the most persecuted individuals in America..

Pat Robertson will fall over backward to tell you how horrible it is to be a Christian because they’re so persecuted.

The opposite is the true of course. Reverend Pat Robertson will be the first to push the call for the assasination of Hugo Chavez and US Supreme Court Judges. Oops….My bad. Robertson told his television audience that God told Pat that He would take care of Supreme Court judges on behalf of Pat Robertson. God does Pat’s bidding, you understand.

Tom DeLay. When he was forced to resign his position, he immediately jumped on the “poor persecuted Christian” routine and looked everywhere for support. He even managed to find a conference called “War On Christians” in March 2006.

Rick Scarborough, the convener of the conference said during the gathering:

“I believe the most damaging thing that Tom DeLay has done in his life is take his faith seriously into public office, which made him a target for all those who despise the cause of Christ,” Scarborough said, introducing DeLay on Tuesday. When DeLay finished, the host reminded the politician: “God always does his best work right after a crucifixion.”

The emphasis is mine of course. My question is “Who?”

Who are these people who “despise the cause of Christ”? Will this person please leave a comment and tell me about yourself and your organization?

I want to get to know if these alleged people who “despise the cause of Christ”. Do they have “meetings” and conventions where they scheme new ways to destory Christians? Where? May I sign up and attend such a conference?

…And exactly to what extent of their destruction is necessary? Do these “Christ-hating” people have conventions and conferences to discuss these issues? Could I please have some additional information on this?

How many Christians are there who are tucking their KJV’s into fruit-filled pies? And what kind of persecution are they suffering from? Is it like Bush water-boarding young Iraqi men?

St Pat “The Persecuted” Robertson said to Molly Ivins in 1993:

“Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.”

Saint Pat here claims that Christians are more persecuted that the Jews during the Holocaust! What did I miss? Where are these Christians being funneled into ovens and gassed to death? Where in America can I find that “Dachau” prison system? Is it right outside of St Louis somewhere?If these Christians are being so horribly persecuted, I say that we’re all wasting our time. Let’s “fix” them when they’re young! Face it, we’re obviously spending too much money to gas them in that American Dachau, and to throw them into jail, that costs money too!

Can we neuter this “Christian” trait? Can we identify the very DNA protein that makes them feel persecuted and we’ll be able to cure ourselves from this Christian “disease” garden variety g-nome?

Lonnie LathamLet’s begin persecuting them like they claim they have been all along! Let’s begin by finding a way to cure the wacked outSwaggartJesus Campers” while in-vitro. If we can find a genetic attribute before the Christian is born, tweak the gene and we can finally quit listening to them bellyaching once and for all! Let’s face it: We’ll be rid of the Gay Male Porn industry if we never had Ted Haggard’s out there yelling and screaming about all of this “persecution”. Lonnie Latham, senior pastor of the South Tulsa Baptist Church and senior executive of the Southern Baptist Convention wouldn’t be persecuted in jail right now if he would have been cured of his Christianity before he was born! Come to think of it, without Jimmy Swaggart, we would put a serious dent into the str8 female prostitution industry as well!

I can’t even be crafty enough to hatch such an idea. However, Reverend R. Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY is crafty enough. The horribly persecuted Christian said exactly:

“If a biological basis is found, and if a prenatal test is then developed, and if a successful treatment to reverse the sexual orientation to heterosexual is ever developed, we would support its use as we should unapologetically support the use of any appropriate means to avoid sexual temptation and the inevitable effects of sin.”

That’s right. Mohler has decided that a.) Homosexuality is no longer a “choice”, but is instead “genetic” and b.) There is currently no “cure” for homosexuality, but when there is one, it should be used on unborn babies and we will once and for all wipe it off the face the Earth. Gay and lesbian people are nothing but God’s genetic flaws. As “Dr” Laura Schlessinger called gays “biological errors“, we can see that even the persecutic conservative Jews agree that homosexuality is genetic.

MeDr. Mohler said that he would be “unapologetic”. As well as he shouldn’t be. When we really and truly begin persecuting Christians like we should have been doing all along, we’ll see less and less of this depraved indifference towards each other.