The Daily Show Welcomes the RNC to the Twin Cities

Nice job, Stewie!! I have to run on down there this coming weekend to look for this billboard…

Crooks and Liars is mis-reporting that the sign is hanging over I-94. The original source states that it’s on I-494 outside of MSP.

Egads…that is funnier than Hell…

Oh, and by the way… Tonights video selection (click the Fly, Silly) was deliberate!!

John McCain: The Welfare Candidate

This is Gay Pride Week. I’ve been so busy this week with GPW activities I could just scream. My husband partner is no exception; he’s complaining about his Gay Recruiting class size. This year, he has well over fifty heterosexual men who’ve decided they want to be gay, and he’s just swamped. And then there’s the night-classes for the Catholic priests he’s teaching too. Every night he has over 100 Catholic priests that he has to teach on “The Art of Seducing Alter Boys”. That Catholic church has really ramped up their battle against us, so even enticing those alter boys can be rather dicey.

It was just a week or so ago, there was a dust-up over at the John McCain campaign on the subject of Campaign Financing. McCain, according to the DNC is illegally flip-flopping on the subject by accepting those funds and then spending more than is allowed by law.

The DNC has issued:

In order to receive matching funds, John McCain signed a binding agreement with the FEC to accept spending limits and to abide by the conditions of receiving those funds. The FEC requires that any request to withdraw from the agreement must be granted by the FEC. FEC Chairman David Mason made this clear in a letter to McCain advising him that the law requires the FEC to approve his request to withdraw from his contract – a move McCain ignored and cost Mason his job.

According to past Commission rulings, the McCain campaign would not be allowed to withdraw from matching funds because it already violated a key condition for being let out of the program – pledging matching funds as collateral for a private loan.

Typical for Bush and his own private junta against justice in this country; Bush fires the FEC Chair who simply did his job. It wasn’t as if the Chair was a former attorney for the International Arabian Horse Association, screwed the pooch on that job and so Bush appointed him to be head of FEMA. Two times, Bush put David Mason up as his pick for the FEC Chair position and when Mason does his job – and Bush just fires the guy.

But I’m digressing.

What Barack Obama has done is brilliant: He’s opted out of taking $85 Million because he’s confident enough he’ll raise $300 Million before November!

There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

Obama — at a time when Hillary Clinton was the inevitable juggernaut rolling back to the White House — said he would stay in the federal public financing system if he did win the primary fight, as long as his GOP opponent did the same. McCain agreed immediately. The system gives candidates $85 million, funded by the $3 check-off fewer and fewer taxpayers choose to pay on IRS forms. But that’s the only money candidates who take the funding can spend after the nominating conventions. They can’t use campaign contributions from private donors. Now, awash in private contributions, Obama and his strategists are beginning to back away from his pledge to rely solely on public money.

So, McCain agrees: “We’ll take the public tax payer’s money and stay within the $85 Million as prescribed by law.”

[Handshake] …and “Deal”.

Now Obama doesn’t need the funds – so “screw ’em” he says. “I can raise my own money and not limit myself to the $80-odd Million the FEC mandates.”

McCain isn’t out of the woods:

McCain, meanwhile, took out a loan last fall that saved his campaign, giving him the money he needed for a last-ditch effort to win New Hampshire. He also declared himself eligible for a different public-financing program that gives candidates matching funds, keyed to the level of their private fundraising, for primary campaigns — and imposes strict spending caps in the process. Now that his financial picture has improved, he’s announced he won’t take the primary matching funds. But the head of the Federal Election Commission (a longtime critic of McCain’s campaign finance reforms) said last week that McCain may still be locked into taking the matching funds anyway.

Ooops.

But hold the phone here… Does anybody smell the rotting fish in this story?

Let me try it this a-way:

His (Obama’s) decision makes him the first major-party candidate to opt out of the public structure for the general election campaign since it was created after the Watergate scandal more than 30 years ago. Republican John McCain, after initially saying he would consider opting out as well, said this evening he would take taxpayer financing for his campaign.

Does that help?

The hypocrisies of the GOP is far too often ignored. Take your average John Q. Dolt who proudly hails himself as a Republican and talk about the poor on the welfare system in this country. You’ll get a thirty minute lecture on the laziness of these welfare recipients. And you’ll get an extra thirty minute lecture on the black woman’s status as “welfare queens” who are producing babies just to draw bigger welfare checks.

Where was James Cayne, Pesident and CEO of Bear Stearns, during the week before that company collapsed? Cayne is a champion bridge player. On the week while his giant-sized company was on the verge of collapse; Cayne was at a Bridge Tournament in Detroit.

The US Treasury secretary Henry Paulson said about bailing out Bear Stearns:

Paulson also sought to send a calming message that the administration of President George W. Bush is on top of the turbulent situation. “The government is prepared to do what it takes” to ease turmoil in the financial system and minimize any damage to the U.S. economy, Paulson said during a series of broadcast interviews. The Fed’s intervention “was not a difficult decision. It was the right decision.

It was the “right decision”.

Corporate welfare is rampant, and the Republicans put up a presidential nominee who’s sucking on the government’s teat and yet they won’t stop bitching about Barack Obama who does – exactly what a Republican preaches: He’ll raise his own funds, thank you very much!

Now let me get back to my responsibilities over at Gay Pride. I have some new recruits that I need to gather up from behind the roadside rests and the public toilets at the Minneapolis/St Paul International Airport. The Lesbian Liberation Army has promised my a special word on my behalf to the Supreme Bitch. I’m all excited and wonder how we’ll be rewarded for all of our hard work.

Mistress vs. Mister: Larry Craig’s “Snack on the Side”

He’s an I.T. Geek and he’s everybody’s favorite local bear. Let us all get to know David Phillips, one of many we’ll be getting to knowDavid Phillips who have allegedly had sex with Larry Craig. In this Wonkette exclusive, Phillips recalls a memory of years gone by at a gay bar in Washington DC where he was taken to Craig’s home and where they broke one of the Laws of Leviticus in a private residence’s guest room.

As we tiptoed from the back door to the stairs to the upper floor, as if somebody else was home, he turned to grope my crotch and brush my face with his hand.” The house’s decor led Phillips to believe that this was a married man: “The bric-a-brac with family pictures didn’t scream ‘old queen’ to me; it announced a woman’s influence. Still, we made our way upstairs.

Bric-a-brac indeed. Phillips continues with:

I let my eyes wander and saw on a table a small envelope, like one from a gift or a floral arrangement, with ‘Suzanne Craig’ neatly written on it. This memory,” Phillips insists, “I noted about three hours after hearing Craig’s voice again, the night before I saw a current picture of him and a good day before I heard of his wife in the news. ‘That’s who’s going to fuck me up if she finds out,’ I thought. As he reached for the door, he took a $20 bill from his wallet, shoved in my front pocket, adding ‘Remember, I can buy and sell your ass ten thousand times over. You were never here. Don’t try to come back here. You don’t know me.

This sounds like the familiar Larry Craig we all know and love. Shoving his personal authority on someone else and then trying to intimidate them into something he wants or needs.

Recall the police officer’s story in the MSP Intl Airport when after the arrest, Larry Craig:

At one point, police reports said, Craig handed the arresting officer a business card that identified him as a U.S. senator and said, “What do you think about that?”

We’ll see more and more of these gay men coming forward and telling their story for four reasons:

  • a.) it’s open hunting season for hypocritical Republican homophobes
  • b.) being gay and out of the proverbial closet isn’t a big deal anymore
  • c.) Craig’s homosexual lifestyle spans decades of closeted self-hatred and
  • d.) finding “celebrity” status by admitting you’ve literally fucked a Republican is worth cash.

Stay tuned everybody… There’ll be a coffee-table book published in a few years of the collected photographed works entitled: “All of Larry Craig’s Men“.

UPDATE: Howie Klein (Down With Tyranny) joins “Team Lucas” at Crooks and Liars with a video of alleged gayGiuliani In Drag Republicans in a photo collage put to music in a song called “Until the Boys” by Until December. It’s a snappy little tune – but it’s horribly disappointing they didn’t think to include Rudy Giuliani’s picture in drag. Brave New Films suggests the RNC include the tune in next year’s GOP National Convention in 2008. I have to disagree: Let’s face it – you can’t have a gay party of hot and hunky men without a drag queen somewhere within in the middle of it all acting as the emcee.

Howie also notes that the NRSC (National Republican Senatorial Committee) plans to meat gather at Sea Island, GA to perform oral sex on big money sugar-daddies because they’re so broke entering into the 2008 election cycle. The horror of this story is that the NRSC has told Larry Craig he isn’t invited to the suck-fest. Craig, burning up his election money on legal fees for his misadventures in the Twin Cities now has problems securing a legal team to file lawsuits against anybody like David Phillips or Wonkette for discussing this story.

FruitFlyUPDATE II: Zach over at MNPublius spotted a note on Examiner dot com (Minneapolis/St Paul) that Larry Craig is now using Denver Intl Airport to catch his connecting flights back to Idaho. We’re all so disappointed about this information. I mean, we’ve already sunk the money into re-installing new walls in the restroom!! What a waste of Minnesota tax-payer money…

UPDATE III: The Young Turks have now discussed this topic  as to keep the story with some air and their video is up on YoTube which you can see by clicking here.

Prostitution and the GOP 2008 Convention

Old FruitfliesIt’s no secret that the Republican party has been embroiled in a series of scandals involving prostitution in the past few years. With the upcoming GOP 2008 Convention in St Paul/Minneapolis, there’s been a shortage of available prostitutes. Minnesota GOP chair, Ron Carey, has publicly announce they will begin recruiting whores and prostitutes through venues such as Craigs List.

Said Mr. Carey, about the recruiting: “John Harrington, asManwhore you know, has done and excellent job at cleaning up the streets of St Paul! Look around the Xcel Energy Center and up along 7th Street and you can’t find a whore anywhere! With the GOP’s insatiable desire for an occasional “piece of tail” outside of their own marriage, we’re having to go to a more unorthodox style of recruiting whores and prostitutes.”

Bob Allen R-Florida (Prostitute/Racist)While we might think recruiting “whores and prostitutes” relates to the importation of females. However, this GOP 2008 Convention will be demanding the services of male prostitutes as well. Bob Allen, (R-FL) who was the co-chair of John McCain Presidential campaign in FL has stated he he looking forward to sight-seeing St Paul’s public parks and interacting with St Paul’s African-American male population.

HookersSaid Allen: “Someone said I should go check out ‘Rice Park‘. Is this a nice place? Is it a great place to hang out? How are the restrooms? Are the rest rooms clean? Should I bring a towel or are there paper towel dispensers that are checked regularly? Are there a lot of scary looking black guys that hang out at that park?! I don’t want to be a statistic or anything, but if are any scary looking black guys who’d be interested in a $20-bill…Oooo…..I just can’t wait to get to St Paul. I’ve been asked to be a delegate this year you know!! The GOP has been so great!”

Coy Privette, another GOP delegate out of North CarolinaCoy Privette who will be present for the GOP 2008 Convention, has stated that he prefers the GOP “Luscious Ladies” instead of the GOP “Studs” which will be provided. Said Coy in an interview at his home in Kannapolis, NC: “I ain’t never had any Yankee ‘poontang’ b’fore! But I sure ain’t gonna turn it down if they let me have my pick!! Now I got one question before I accept this generous offer by the GOP: Can I write a check for her services?!”

GOP Chairman Ron Carey has since announced that personal checks will not be honored. All GOP-recruited prostitutes have been instructed that cash-only paid in full is the rule and untraceable small-bills are preferred.

Glenn Murphy?!?Glenn Murphy, former National Chair of the Young Republican National Federation, has been told he will not be allowed to be a delegate at the GOP 2008 Convention. But he has been asked to help withYRNF the decorations inside of the Xcel Energy Center. Murphy, who was caught performing oral sex on a 22-year old Young Republican National Federation candidate while he was sleeping, was ecstatic for the opportunity.

Murphy said smugly and shyly: “I’ve been asked to blow up the balloons.”

David Vitter is a homosexual?David Vitter, Louisiana’s favorite GOP Senator, has stated publicly stating that he will not be enlisting the services of any Yankee whore. Instead, Senator Vitter has insisted on bringing his own “Cajun Tail”. FEMA has dispatched a fleet of school buses to collect the entire stable of New Orleans whores and ship them up to the Twin Cities.

One FEMA official was upset because she was given five casesOld Bay Seasoning of Old Bay seasoning and asked to hand out one can to each hooker as she climbed onto the buss.

“I axed him; “Whaddya want me to do with the Ol’Bay?!” said the FEMA official. “I told him that Old Bay was good for crabs! … and shrimps! And da man said while he was winking at me — he says; ‘You know…’suck the heads…pinch the tails’!”

The GOP’s “Moral Majority” 2008 Campaign wouldn’t be complete without their trusty “Choir Boys”. Chairman Carey grins when he uses the term, but he’s really referring to the heavy-handed religious branch of the Grand Old Party. “We haven’t forgotten the ‘choir boys” and Carey chuckles all over Pros Wantedagain. “Ted Haggard has been panhandling his former flock in Colorado Springs hoping to raise enough money to attend the GOP 2008 Convention. Pastor Ted told me he’ll show up packing enough meth to blow up Canada.”

Said Carey: “Pastor Ted is a very tough customer too. He’s like a rabbit. He bounces from one seedy motel to another. I don’t know how we’re going tohaggard and bush be able to provide enough 49-year old male prostiutes to satisfy Pastor Ted! He gets that meth up his nose and he’s like a machine!!”

Tommy Tester, a Baptist minister will be coming to the Twin Cities too. Driving his pick-up truck from Bristol, VA, Pastor Tester plans on bringing his own case of vodka andTommy Tester his own bottle of oxycodone along the way. Out of respect for his love of singing gospel music on his radio show on WZAP, Ron Carey has asked Pastor Tester to sing the National Anthem in the opening ceremonies.

“We’ve reminded Pastor Tester” Carey said, “that he is not allowed to solicit sexual favors to the St Paul Police Department. We’ve told him that while the Bristol Police Department might decide to ignore such infidelities, we’ve checked with Chief Hamilton and Pastor Tester is strictly forbidden to propose oral sex on the male police officer corps.”Swaggart

Ron Carey added: “We will let Pastor Tester wear his skirt however. He was pretty upset by Chief Hamilton’s rule so we told him he could wear his skirt on stage while singing the National Anthem.”

Jeff Gannon4The GOP has also announced that has requested that Jeff Gannon to be present at the GOP 2008 Convention. Jeff Gannon, made famous by bloggers at Americablog and The Daily Kos, was found for staying for up to four days in the White House with no record of leaving. Mr. Gannon was famous for dressing up in a US Marine Corps uniform and escorting his client and providing “companionship”.

Ron Carey half-heartedly expected that phone call at anytime. The White House has enjoyed a close and personal relationship with Mr. Gannon ever since he started his USMC website paid for by his own business Bedrock Corp. Gannon, frequently posing nude on porn sites such as “Meetlocalmen.com” and “workingboys.net” using the moniker “Bulldog”. Gannon’s solicitous tag line on his prostitution websites was:Jeff Gannon2

Big SPORTS Fan: Will go to the game with you, then take you home and….

“AGGRESIVE, VERBAL, DOMINANT TOP”
I DON’T LEAVE MARKS….ONLY IMPRESSIONS

While the White House will argue whether Jeff Gannon is theJeff Gannon 3 “domintant top” as he claims, they are none too excited to get Gannon “top-billing” and tell the GOP how great it’s been to “serve at the pleasure of the President”.

Senator Lautenburg had sent a letter requesting Jeff Gannon’s press pass credentials two and a half years ago where his credentials were summarily revoked. Whereas the upcoming GOP 2008 Convention, Gannon will have his press-pass creditials returned and be allowed to continue his “Talon News” agency all over again.

Ron Carey explained: “It’s not a big mystery that Jeff Gannon is President Bush’s favorite whore. I mean, they wouldn’t come out and directly admit it – why should they? ButJeff Gannon Gannon had a temporary White House press pass, and remember that President Bush called on him by name. With an obscure temporary press pass in the White House Press Room, do you think the President would even know who he was if there wasn’t some kind of hanky-panky going on? Yeah..Gannon is definetely Bush’s whore. Nobody else gets to play with Gannon except for the President.”

Ron Carey was also quick to point out that they’re not really too sure how to handle all of these Republicans sexual appetites for the upcoming GOP convention. “We’re talking about an awful lot of clients with tons of tax-free money!” he said.

prostituteWe’ve begun a recruiting campaign by soliciting the use of outlets such as Craigs List, and Family Watch Dog.com.

When asked why they would use a sexual predator website to look for prostitutes, Ron Carey replied: “Because we need every hooker, prostitute and whore, male or female to be ready at a moment’s notice. This isn’t some gumshoe low-key event here, you know! We will be needing a lot of freaky and disease free prostitutes! Did I mention that all of this money is tax-free? Remember; the GOP is sensitive to the small business woman and business man. We know how hard it is to build a business and since prostitution is the oldest profession – we want to recognize them too. We’ll take any kind of sexual pervert regardless of race, sex or even sexual orientation. In fact, if your a gay whore — Please think of soliciting at the upcoming GOP 2008 Convention!”

We also spent a few minutes talking to the local whores to get their reaction about next years GOP 2008 Convention and we got a surprising reaction. Almost all of the prostitutes we spoke with have plans on inviting their friends.

One girl, who identified herself as “Gina” that we interviewedProstitute explained it this way: “Look. How many Republicans have you f*#$@ ? …How many people can make that claim?! Not a lot of people will ever be able to say that they’ve truly had a chance to F*$#@ a Republican…and get paid to do it?!!

That Ron Carey dude was talking to my good friend Shandra and begging her to stay in downtown and she said the same thing! You know that one Republican dude… Umm… What’s his name? Norm Coleman? His daddy picked me up on the east side of 7th over there by the Lafayette Bridge and and he wanted me to s*$% him off and all of a sudden – the cops was everywhere. So I say; “Bring your freekie-deekie on!”

So with their Bibles thumping and their peckers burning, the GOP will be sinking a great deal of money into the Twin Cities economy. The hotel industry is already limited in availability, but the seedier motel chains throughout the Twin Cities is expected to be extremely limited.

MeMinnesota State Highway Patrol have beefed up patrols around and behind the roadside rests. Minneapolis and St Paul police departments along with the surrounding suburbs have plans on beefing up security at all of the city parks. Shopping mall managers have been notified by city officials to check their public mens restrooms and repair any glory holes that might be seen in the toilet stalls.

*** UPDATE ***

Republican and chairman of St. Bernard Parish Council, Joey DiFatta has announced he will be arriving to Minneapolis/St Paul to attend the GOP festivities. He has put together aJoey DiFatta syllabus and will be conducting workshops called “Toe Tapping if Fun: How to meet that special One”.

Said DiFatta: “Everything is in there! My workshops include “Making Glory Holes”, “Talking Dirty In The Can”, I even have a course called “Toilet Toe Tapping: Beyond the Morse Code”. I’ll teach you about payment options for your anonymous sexual encounter, how to tell if they’re a cop or not, I can even teach you my secrets to cruising rest stops along the Interstates! If you can’t get someone to fool around with in the men’s room or porn shops after taking my course, you’re either stupid or dumb!”