Secret Young Republicans training compound located!!

First photos are emerging from behind the enemy lines, where their nefarious indoctrination techniques corrupt the innocent minds of America’s youth and prepare them for a life committed to espousing Republican ideology that runs counter to their own self interests!

We all owe a debt of gratitude to the Democratic operatives that have risked their lives to bring us this first haunting photo:

Elephant Slide

Here we can obviously see a seemingly innocent piece of playground equipment that has been twisted by the right-wing propaganda masters into some sort of sick political metaphor…

Undercover operatives for the Democratic Party have told us that Republican parents force their unwilling children up the molded plastic stairs into the GOP’s “Indoctrination Machine.” These children remain inside for up to 48 hours until they are fully processed. The children, once they are completely transformed into a smelly mass of waste material, will eventually tumble down the chute behind the Indoctrination Machine fully prepared to carry-on the Neocon Agenda.

Said one Republican mother after her child was expelled from the Indoctrination Machine: “Oh, he’s still the little stinker he always was….” where she snickered and waddled away.FruitFly

UNICEF, Save the Children and Sally Struthers have begun nationwide media campaigns to save these poor little children before they’ve become indoctrinated into the little GOP shit’s that’s expected of each and every one of them. So please: If you can give anything, please give to Sally Struther’s Christian Children’s Fund. Because Jesus, and only Jesus could love these little Turds.

I found it on Bartcop Nation… So it must be true!

Katherine Kersten’s “Republicanville”

Rita SkeeterA few years ago, Minneapolis Star-Tribune hired a “conservative” voice for the paper – what they ended up with was a dolt. Katherine Kersten’s writings are poorly researched, her facts are dubious at best and her conservative values forces her into the Land of Hypocrisies. I remember one of her earliest columns where she finger-wagged her critics that picking on her because of her religion was strictly off-base. Yet, since the Imams story broke last year, Kersten routinely ridicules and/or marginalizes the Muslim faith. If there’s an update on the lawsuit the Imams have filed, Kersten’s on top of it. Did I already complain about her lack of factual information? Oh good, I did.

Because today’s column is no different. In her piece: “PlentyBlack Garbage Fly of surprises in Ghost Town of political moderates“, she writes…an allegory(?) about moderate Republicans who are leaving Congress and it reminds her of a “ghost town”. It’s a really stupid column that’s factually flawed but packed with complaints about liberal blogs like DailyKos, liberal groups like Move-On and the DLC. She notes that Minnesota’s 3rd CD Jim Ramstad’s departure reminds her of a ghost town and finishes with this paragraph:

Today, there’s a regular stampede of moderates running for office. But they are more likely to wear a red Republican R brand than a blue D

Huh?! What does this have to do with a ghost town? And the facts are once again; completely wrong.

Deer FlyIncorrect Fact #1: There is a stampede going on — And the stamped is Republicans switching to become Democrats. Most recently in Texas, Represenative Kirk England of Grand Prairie announced his leaving the Republican Party and will caucus for Democrats from now on. England said with his middle finger in the air:

“After one session in the House, I found that the Republican leadership in Austin had no tolerance for the values and priorities of the folks I represent.

Note to Katherine Kersten: This is a quote from a Texan!

Last October, The Washington Post wrote a story that nine Republicans in Kansas have switched to the Democrat Party. In the piece entitled “Moderates in Kansas Decide They’re Not in GOP Anymore“, it noted that Mark Parkinson, the former Chair of the Kansas GOP has walked out of the party and ran for Lieutenant Governor with Kathleen Sebelius as a Democrat. And guess what – he won. The former GOP chairman of Kansas runs as a Democrat for Lt Governor and wins?!?!? He won?!?

We can’t even paint Kansas a deep-purple Red anymore…It’s Bluer than my Ben Franklin Purple-heart pin!!!

Last August 3, 2006, a rumor started that State Senatormosquito Nancy Riley of Oklahoma was trading her big red “R” brand for a shiny blue “D” brand because she was sick of the way the GOP had been treating her. By the end of the day, she switched and said this:

Riley says she was completely ignored by the Republican caucus during this year’s legislative session. She believes her treatment is because of her moderate views and because she’s a woman.

Note to Katherine Kersten:

Watch out Honey!! With the number of moderate Republicans stampeding to wear a big Blue “D” brand, you’re likely to get run over!!

Update #3: The term “RINO”, or “Republican In Name Only” shows up on ABC’s “Brothers and Sisters” program in Episode #25. The Walker family is heading to San Diego to reclaim a family-member and Kitty Walker (Republican-Calista Flockhart insists on tuning in the family car auto to a Konservative Radio Talk-Jock who makes animal noises when describing Ms. Walker’s fiance’. When asked about the noises, Kitty says; “It’s a rhinoceros” and her gay brother says: “I get it…RINO…”Republican In Name Only”.)

Updated #2: In Fairfax, VA, State Senator Jeannemarie Devolites Davis (R) is now running around calling herself a “RINO“: Republican In Name Only. In a district that’s regarded the most affluent in the state, Republicans watch it turning Blue and their state senator knows she can’t win on a Republican ticket.

Voters backed Democrats in the past two gubernatorial elections and went for U.S. Sen. Jim Webb last November.

JIm Hovland

Update #1: Ohhhhh…SNAP!! Big E from MnBlue just slapped me with a Comment. Apparently, Edina, MN mayor Jim Hovland is another “moderate Republican” who just might run for Ramstad’s Congressional seat… As a Democrat! How could I have missed that one?!?! I…Why I must have had a “Kersten-Sized brain-fart and forgot to do my research!”

Deer FlyIncorrect Fact #2: Kersten said:

Rep. Jim Ramstad of the Third Congressional District, who recently announced his retirement, is the latest to star in this tragic/heroic role.

Wrong. If Kersten bothered fact-checking herself, she would have discovered that the Star-Tribune reported Ramstad’s departure was on the 17th of September. One Friday Setember 21st, Jerry Weller (R-IL) of th 11th Congressional District announced he will not be seeking a re-election, making Congress Weller the latest star that is “stampeding” out of Congress. To make the fact even more painful, Weller’s stepping down is in a large part because of the amount of investigations and allegations against him.

mosquito…In fact: A watchdog group has declared Weller one of the most corrupt members of Congress, there’s a subpoena in a former colleague’s bribery trial and criticism from not revealing to Congress the extent of Nicaraguan land purchases.

Other Republicans “stampeding” out of Congress so far includes Conservative Republican John Warner of Virginia and Moderate Republican Chuck Hagel of Nebraska.

Now what about this allegory of a “Ghost Town” of moderate Republicans? What would Katherine Kersten’s thriving little “Republicanville” town look like?

houseflyRep. Ken Calvert (R-CA) ,Rep. John T. Doolittle (R-CA), Rep. Tom Feeney (R-FL), Rep. Doc Hastings (R-WA), Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA), Rep. Jerry Lewis (R-CA), Rep. Gary G. Miller (R-CA), Rep. Timothy F. Murphy (R-PA), Rep. Steve Pearce (R-NM), Rep. Rick Renzi (R-AZ), Rep Harold Rogers (R-KY), Rep Don Young (R-AK), Rep Randy “Duke” Cunningham (R-CA), Rep Tom Delay (R-TX) and Rep. Heather A. Wilson (R-NM) would be headed to jail and/or under investigation by the local town sheriff. This includes both of Alaska’s Republican US Senators Ted Stevens and Lisa Murkowski, Pete Domenici (R-NM) and Kentucky’s Republican Senator Mitch McConnell.

Oklahoma Co Sheriff Republicanville would be jam-packed with Preachers who love the town whores. Preachers like Ted Haggard, Lonnie Latham and Coy Privette all enjoying adultery while finger-wagging the townsfolk all about the sins listed in the Bible. The only town’s preacher who isn’t sleeping with a prostitute is the town drunk who’s wearing a skirt and urinating against the local theater. And the sheriff arrested him once and the preacher offered fellatio on the sheriff and his deputy.

In fact, prostitution would seem to be the only industry inhousefly Kersten’s Republicanville that thrives!

Shoot! You can even get a discount from one of the Local Madam’s whores just by mentioning David Vitter’s (R-LA) name! In Republicanville, even the lone outhouse is haunted by State Represenative Bob Allen (R-FL) offering the men needing to use the toilet a shiny $20 gold-coin if they’ll give him the privilege to perform fellatio on them while Larry Craig (R-ID) is offering fellatio on the inside for free!

FoleyKersten’s perfect bustling town would have one radio station who’s only talk-show host is an over-weight drug addict who flies to tropical paradise islands where boy-prostitution is legal with an erectile dysfunction prescription filled out to somebody else. And while we’re talking about molesting little boys, let’s make sure we don’t forget Repupublicanville’s favored son Mark Foley (R-FL) who can molest your son faster than Kersten can write more bullshit in her next column.

Shucks Katherine, I completely forgot! Former United States Speaker of the House “Fat” Denny Hastert (R-IL) has decided to leave Congress faster than he could drum up an Exit Sign after deciding Mark Foley did no-wrong.

mosquitoBy the way: If your kid isn’t getting molested in Republicanville, he’s probably being raped in his sleep by the chair of the National Young Republicans Federation. If you have a daughter, she would be getting raped by the local National Young Republicans and then run around telling everybody that she deserved it.

Bush plays guitar

One time, the town had a flood that could have been easily prevented, but Republicanville’s Mayor ignored the town and decided instead hang on in a sing-along with a no-name musician named Mark Willis. When a bridge fell down in the town, 13 people died and Katherine Kersten’s “Republicanville” thought the mayor fingers crossedwould come through for them. He didn’t of course and he won’t! He has the diction of a third grader, but they’re still crossing their fingers he’s gonna come through on that bridge re-building thing!!

housefly

Katherine Kersten has no wiggle room in criticizing anybody for anything in relation to politics or religion. Kersten’s conservative Christian views are flawed and those who share in her conservative Christian views are morally, ethically, politically and spiritually bankrupt. Kersten throws her Star-Tribune weight around to belittle and demean anything outside of the scope of her narrow dime-sized world. She’ll criticize gays, Muslims, academia, Democrats – anything that isn’t holding a Bible and carrying a crucifix and wearing a big “red Republican R brand on their chest.”

In exchange, the backdrop to Kersten’s stage is covered in a vile filth unlikeFruitFly 6 anything in American history. And yet, she continues to draw a paycheck! The Star Tribune finds her “valuable”, and I have a sneaky suspicion they’re keep this very stupid columnist on the payroll because so many of us love to hate her.

A Fruit Fly Rant: An Excuse For Prosecuting Christians

RantConservative Christians have been claiming the “poor persecuted” gripe for years now. And, while they seem to completely empty on pointing out exactly when society actually persecuted them, they milk the mantra completely to death.

When I was a kid, I heard all of them. All of them! Let’s see if I can come up wit… Got it!

There was a time (when exactly is never clarified) when the king (which king?) ruled that Christianity was to be illegal. So this kind sent out his men and persecuted everybody who professed to be a Christian. The Royal decree proclaimed that not only Christians be persecuted, but their Holy Bibles were to be destroyed.

Well, then the king’s were coming to this village and this little old lady heard about the decree and knew her Holy Bible would be destroyed. So the old lady made a pie, and she tucked her precious Holy Bible inside of the pie and filled the rest of the space with her fruit filling.

So, when the men came into her home they searched everywhere for a Holy Bible but couldn’t find one. And the little old lady offered them a piece of her pie which they ate it with relish. Satisfied that the little old lady was not a Christian and she had no Bible, they left her house alone where she prayed and read her Bible in piece.

<yawn>

Complete rubbish. But, the opportunity of the prominent Christians in our society play the cliche at every opportunity.

Jerry Falwell – On the main page of his website you’ll find the phrase describing the contents of his propaganda piece “National Liberty Journal”:

Identify the key religious freedom cases of the day, as people of faith continue to be the most persecuted individuals in America..

Pat Robertson will fall over backward to tell you how horrible it is to be a Christian because they’re so persecuted.

The opposite is the true of course. Reverend Pat Robertson will be the first to push the call for the assasination of Hugo Chavez and US Supreme Court Judges. Oops….My bad. Robertson told his television audience that God told Pat that He would take care of Supreme Court judges on behalf of Pat Robertson. God does Pat’s bidding, you understand.

Tom DeLay. When he was forced to resign his position, he immediately jumped on the “poor persecuted Christian” routine and looked everywhere for support. He even managed to find a conference called “War On Christians” in March 2006.

Rick Scarborough, the convener of the conference said during the gathering:

“I believe the most damaging thing that Tom DeLay has done in his life is take his faith seriously into public office, which made him a target for all those who despise the cause of Christ,” Scarborough said, introducing DeLay on Tuesday. When DeLay finished, the host reminded the politician: “God always does his best work right after a crucifixion.”

The emphasis is mine of course. My question is “Who?”

Who are these people who “despise the cause of Christ”? Will this person please leave a comment and tell me about yourself and your organization?

I want to get to know if these alleged people who “despise the cause of Christ”. Do they have “meetings” and conventions where they scheme new ways to destory Christians? Where? May I sign up and attend such a conference?

…And exactly to what extent of their destruction is necessary? Do these “Christ-hating” people have conventions and conferences to discuss these issues? Could I please have some additional information on this?

How many Christians are there who are tucking their KJV’s into fruit-filled pies? And what kind of persecution are they suffering from? Is it like Bush water-boarding young Iraqi men?

St Pat “The Persecuted” Robertson said to Molly Ivins in 1993:

“Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.”

Saint Pat here claims that Christians are more persecuted that the Jews during the Holocaust! What did I miss? Where are these Christians being funneled into ovens and gassed to death? Where in America can I find that “Dachau” prison system? Is it right outside of St Louis somewhere?If these Christians are being so horribly persecuted, I say that we’re all wasting our time. Let’s “fix” them when they’re young! Face it, we’re obviously spending too much money to gas them in that American Dachau, and to throw them into jail, that costs money too!

Can we neuter this “Christian” trait? Can we identify the very DNA protein that makes them feel persecuted and we’ll be able to cure ourselves from this Christian “disease” garden variety g-nome?

Lonnie LathamLet’s begin persecuting them like they claim they have been all along! Let’s begin by finding a way to cure the wacked outSwaggartJesus Campers” while in-vitro. If we can find a genetic attribute before the Christian is born, tweak the gene and we can finally quit listening to them bellyaching once and for all! Let’s face it: We’ll be rid of the Gay Male Porn industry if we never had Ted Haggard’s out there yelling and screaming about all of this “persecution”. Lonnie Latham, senior pastor of the South Tulsa Baptist Church and senior executive of the Southern Baptist Convention wouldn’t be persecuted in jail right now if he would have been cured of his Christianity before he was born! Come to think of it, without Jimmy Swaggart, we would put a serious dent into the str8 female prostitution industry as well!

I can’t even be crafty enough to hatch such an idea. However, Reverend R. Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY is crafty enough. The horribly persecuted Christian said exactly:

“If a biological basis is found, and if a prenatal test is then developed, and if a successful treatment to reverse the sexual orientation to heterosexual is ever developed, we would support its use as we should unapologetically support the use of any appropriate means to avoid sexual temptation and the inevitable effects of sin.”

That’s right. Mohler has decided that a.) Homosexuality is no longer a “choice”, but is instead “genetic” and b.) There is currently no “cure” for homosexuality, but when there is one, it should be used on unborn babies and we will once and for all wipe it off the face the Earth. Gay and lesbian people are nothing but God’s genetic flaws. As “Dr” Laura Schlessinger called gays “biological errors“, we can see that even the persecutic conservative Jews agree that homosexuality is genetic.

MeDr. Mohler said that he would be “unapologetic”. As well as he shouldn’t be. When we really and truly begin persecuting Christians like we should have been doing all along, we’ll see less and less of this depraved indifference towards each other.

Fruit Fly News: Thanksgiving Day In Jail

Frizzie McBeeGood evening and welcome to Fruit Fly News, my name is Frizzie McBee.

In the news today we have learned that a human rights group based in the United States has filed a lawsuit against the US Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld in Germany. Under German law, lawsuits against any crime originating anywhere in the world, can be filed. To make matters worse for the former Secretary of Defense, the Center for Constitutional Rights has more evidence of torture in Guantanamo and the Presidential act of firing Mr. Rumsfeld in their favor as the same lawsuit was filed in 2004 and rejected.

Mr. Ratner plans to include the testimony of Al-Qahtani among other things to present if the German courts decide to persuit the case.

“Al-Qahtani was a man who the US alleged is al-Qaeda, who is in Guantanamo. The entire torture log of al-Qahtani over a period of two months was exposed,” Mr Ratner told the BBC.

Foreign CorrespondentHearing this news has caused a great deal of excitment throughout the country with the most noteable question: “What is life like for prisoners in European countries?” For more on this, we go to our foreign correspondent; Timmy von Furstenberg. Timmy, what can you tell us?

Hello Frizzie! I’m here in Duesseldorf and I haven’t seen this much excitement in years! Berliners, remembering the war crimes of sixty years ago, are showing their enthusiasm that this man Donald Rumsfeld by having parades and a beer celebration called “Oktoberfest”.

camp cupcakeThat’s wonderful news Timmy, but about their jail system. Do they have chain-gangs? Are their jails more brutal than ours? Will Mr. Rumsfeld have to protect himself with a shiv? …say an old toothbrush where the handle has been made into a stabbing device?

No Frizzie, I’m afraid not. This is Europe! This the land of “über-liberals” who have no shame and to make matters worse; they’re socialists! Here, Germans love to go to jail! Many of them go to jail for their yearly vacation in exchange for going to someplace dangerous… say Disney World or Miami!get out of jail

“The Donald”, as they’ve nicknamed him here will have no problems, unless he forgets his sunscreen. It does get warm here in central Germany.

And finally Timmy, if they did arrest him and he was found guilty of war crimes, do you know what jail or penitentiary he will be sent?

Yes Frizzie. Germany has a great big prison for all of those Nazi’s that were rounded up at the end of World War II. Most of those prisoners have died, serving out their own life sentance. So, that gives more room for Germans to go take their vacations, as well as give up some acreage for “The Donald’s” prison cell. I’ve been told that there will be plenty of room for him to play golf and install an Olympic sized pool. I won’t give you the name of the jail in German, but in English it translates: “The Jail That’s For Really Really Really Bad People and Those that Just Need a Vacation”. Frizzie, back to you.

Thank you Timmy.

In other news, Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) is calling for renewing the Military Draft. Congressman Rangle was quoted by saying; “Horrifying Isn’t It I have a great idea: Let’s re-instate the draft and write it so that only crazy Republican congressmen and women are the ones that get drafted.” Wouldn’t that be a hoot?! It would be just lovely to see Senator Elizabeth Dole in a “pickle” on a boot camp somewhere in Fayetteville, North Carolina.”

While Bush is sucking the life out of our troops with back-door drafts, extended tours of duty, and recalling grandmothers to return to military, all it took was Charlie Rangel (D-NY) to murmur about “the Draft” and the rich and wealthy dove deep into a vicious rant. Paris Hilton was quoted to say:

“Oooo!! Those horrible and nasty Liberals!!! How dare they insist that we ‘serve’…. We don’t ‘serve’… We don’t even know how to serve!! Duh!!!!”

Meanwhile, the Republicans are already building up their war chest to tar and feather both Congresswoman Nancy Pilosi (D-CA) and Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) with a coordinated effort.

“Two years of Pelosi gives a good idea of what four years of Hillary will be like,” said Tom DeLay [while picking out the drapes for his own jail-cell], the Republican powerbroker who ran his party in the House before he was caught up in a lobbyist corruption scandal. ” They are both committed liberals and we will make that clear to the American people.”

So, the expection from the Democratically controlled Congress will be simple. Nancy Pilosi will be stealing tons of money from Indian casinos, and rumors will fly speculating on Hillary Clinton’s sexual orientation because she’s emailing her Congressional pages. And in two years time Senator Clinton, Reid and Kerry give away Habeus Corpus again. This gives the Republican party plenty to crab and complain about the Democrats.

All in JailIn other news, those Republicans who found themselves out of a job from the last-term election are busy with their personal closeted gay decorators. As Bob Noe, the GOP Fundraiser said; “Getting an 18 year jail sentance is along time! I have my needs you now!” Many Republicans are simply moving their office furniture and their files to their local penitentiary where they’ll await sentancing and transferring to the newly built “Republican Penetentiary”. Consider the newest Republican in Ohio that was slapped with a $139,000 fine and was given 18 years in jail. Tom Noe’s biggest expense was renovating his house in the Florida Keys. Of course, true to “Conservative Family Values”, Mr. Noe’s motto has been: “Spend tax payer money liberally on your vacation home, tell everybody that you’re a’ conservative’. The only people that will believe you… conservatives!”

Noe declined to make a statement before sentencing and stared blankly, his upper lip twitching, as his punishment was handed down.

Defense attorney John Mitchell had asked for the minimum 10-year sentence, saying that other high-profile criminals had received less time for taking more money. The lawyer also assured the judge that Noe’s offense “was a one-time crime.”

A speculative guess remains: That the judge heard the Defense attorney whining and hoping for a 10 year sentance and he gave it to him, but he added 8 years just for that trembling upper lip.

Nancy Grace and CNN Headline News is being sued by theNancy Grace Duckette family. You might remember that Melinda Duckette was grilled by Nancy Grace who all but accused her for the demise of her missing son. The following day, Ms Duckette shot herself in the head. CNN Headline News is keeping in step with the Rabid Right Wingers by saying:

“We stand by Nancy Grace and fully support her, as we have from the beginning of this matter.”

Alegedly, Nancy Grace called Ms. Duckette and encouraged her to come on the show, noting that it would increase visibility and more could be looking for her son. Ms. Duckette, unfortunately, was harassed by Nancy Grace and all but outright accused her of being the perpetrator.

ambulance chaserNancy Grace, who is a life-long careered prosecutor was asked how it will feel to be a defendant for the first time. Grace replied: “Oh don’t go there Sunshine…By the time I get done with the f@$@!!$$%^ prosecutor, he’ll be pleading ‘guilty’ for being a bed-wetter when he was 16!”

The warden of the Republican Penetentiary said they’ve built the facility to be co-ed. In the most bizarre fashion, we’ve learned that Nancy Grace has hired a lesbian to pick out the drapes for her jail cell.

Thank you for joining us tonight. As always, we appreciatefrizzie mcbee your time and your interest. On behalf of the staff of Fruit Fly News, we wish you all a great Thanksgiving. My name is Frizzie McBee, good night.

FruitFly

The Shame of the Republican of Texas

Good evening. Welcome to FFN news and I am Frizzie McBee.Frizzie McBee

In today’s news, the Republic of Texas has seceded from the United States out of pure embarrassment over President George W. Bush and others. The measure flew through both the Republican controlled House and Senate by a very large majority.

For more on this surprising move, Reporterwe head on out to our political field reporter Jim Hatair.

Hello Jim! We’ve heard that Texas has always held that they have the right to secede from the Union, but is anybody shocked that they actually have?

Hello Frizzie and no there isn’t! The Republic of Texas, willTexas Map begin it’s autonomy as a sovereign country beginning tomorrow at twelve noon and the rest of the people of the United States country couldn’t be happier!

With George W Bush’s lowest popularity in United States history, the State of Texas had decided to secede from the United States with a very bruised ego and very embarrassed (former) United States President.. With only 33% of Americans approving of the President’s handling of his job, his wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, bankrupt federal government, chaotic Homeland Security and chronic drinking, the people of the Republic of Texas have decided to apologize to the rest of the United States and take back their favorite Son back to Texas and leave once and for all. Since the President is too intoxicated to know what’s going on, he’s returned to playing putt-putt golf in the Rose Gardens in the back of the White House.

While it is correct that Texans have long held the belief that they can secede from the United States anytime they want, they’ve never really carried through with the threat until now.

News AnchorExcuse me Jim! Frizzie here! Isn’t that belief just simply a myth? What I mean is; if a person got technical, any state in the Union could secede at anytime, thereby making the original Texan thought of secession being nothing more than a joke on their own selves?

Absolutely Frizzie, however – Texas has finally demonstrated that it actually could be done! You may remember that TexasTexas Embassy was an independent country between 1836-1845. Mexico claimed Texas as their own until Texas seceded and went on their own. In fact, the Republic of Texas back then, even had their own Embassy in both London and chuckie monkeyParis. Since Texas couldn’t manage their money and went into a chaotic bankruptcy, the United States admitted the country into the Union and paid off their debt. The ironyhereFrizzie is that back then, Liberal Blue State folks from the Minnesota, Michigan, Illinois and Maine watched these Rednecks err… Texans take nine very long years before realizing that they were incapable of managingthemelves and the Liberals offered to bail them out of their misery…Something the Liberal Blue State folks aren’t willing to do again today. By the way; it has only taken 5 years for the people of the rest of the United States to realize that this particular Texan can’t lead the country!

Texans, being too proud and ungrateful for what thedino golf United States has done for them back then, has finally realized that George W. Bush is the United States biggest acne inflammation of the face of the country. Even Texans have finally begun to realize the embarrassment. In the midst of all of this controversy, George W Bush hasn’t left the White House and continues to mumble incoherently while trying to get his golf ball into the giant dinosaur’s mouth.

Frizzie?

Thanks Jim, I want to turn now to FFN’s political analyst, Dick Dock who’s in Madison, Wisconsin to get a reaction to the news. Dick?

dick dockYes, Frizzie and thank you. The rest of the United States seems to be very excited about this news from the opportunity to not only get rid of Bush, but also to get rid of the pathetic Lone Star State.

Let’s face it, Texas has the worsttexas children educational system in the entire country, second only to Alabama and Mississippi. It’s glaringly obvious that the people of Texas apparently don’t care about the problem. Yet it is a problem for the rest of the United States and here’s why; These poorly educated people get together, have children in their own trailer-parks, go through the same education system and the problem becomes a sort of a cyclical “social-cancer” reflecting on the rest of the population of the United States!

Barely 20% of the population even bothers to vote in Texas (Democrats that is, the Republicans aren’t lazy at all down there!). Yet the Democrats are the loudest cry-babies in the country!! For example, the Democrats in the Texas legislature had left the State out of protest and moved into hotel rooms in Oklahoma and New Mexico when upset about their Republican counterparts who began gerrymandering districts.

There’s virtually nothing to see in Texas aside from green swampy river in downtown San Antonio and the Johnson Space Center in Houston. The best city in Texas seems to be Austin, the only area that voters are obviously and solidly Democrat. And yet the town is filled with filthy law-breaking bribing, Indian-Stealing, good-old-boy-network Republicans!

In another perspective, with the people of Texas leaving the US and finally become their own country, it allows for a increased of respect towards the Federal Government for Americans again! For example, the United States can finally get rid of people like Tom Delay,Kay Bailey Hutchison, George H.W. Bush, Barbara (“Quaker Oats Grandma”) Bush, Karl Rove, Lee Harvey Oswald, Lyndon Baines Johnson and “Mommy Dearest’s”Joan Crawford.

Lizzy?

Thanks Dick! Ahhh… With Texas becoming an autonomous country again, isn’t there a danger that they’ll repeat the same fiasco they had the last time? If they’reincabable of governing themselves, won’t we be simplyrepe…

Quaker OatsYes of course, Lizzy. But, they’re Texans! If ever there was a definition of O. Henry’s idea of a “Banana Republic”, it would be Texas! Like the Mexican government,Beeyotch the Texas Elite could care less about the lower and middle class and expect these groups to support them and their ostentatious lifestyles! Consider Barbara (Grandma) Bush’s quote when seeing Katrina Survivors being given shelter at the Houston Astrodom: “Almost everyone I’ve talked to says we’re going to move to Houston.” Then she added: “What I’m hearing which is sort of scary is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. “And so many of the people in the arena here, you now, were underprivileged anyway, so this–this (she chuckles slightly) is working very well for them.”

texansIn an other area the rest of the country is excited about is the fact that they no longer have to listen to stupid Texas idiots droning on and on about how they “don’t really” have to be a state in this country. Nor do they have to remember all about the Alamo and a bunch of other fairly boring bits of Texas history. Let’s be realistic here – the war at the Alamo versus the Battle of Little Bighorn! Even George Custer’s history in relation to the Battle is more interesting Tennessee’s native son Davy Crockett’s association to the Alamo!

Over all, the rest of the United States seems to be excited over the idea to finally get rid of the Republic of Texas once and for all. Now, Texans can concentrate on hating their own children and their own neighbors and the rest of the United States can finally move on without them. Lizzie, back to you.

Thanks Dick!

jobeth

Finally, an in-depth look at the people of Texas, we’ve taken another minute of your time with Jo-Beth Stewart! Jo-Beth! Can you tells us a little bit about these former Americans?

Why Hi Shug!! Yes I can! First of all…We ain’t Texans no more. Let’s get that cleared up right nah. We’re gonna be callin’ ourselves “Texians” from nah on. Ya see? We’ve been mispellin’ “texans” all these years but we’re gonna be spellin’ as “Texians” from now on!!

Nah…I’m in the back yard with Leon and Donny-Paul who are playin’ toilet-seat horseshoes and they gots loads more ta-tell us! Excuse me fellas..!! “Hi again” Donny-Paul! Would you two answer a few questions for Fruit Fly News? Would you care totellFFN what ch’all gonna do when Bush gets home in Crawford tomorrow?

toiletseat horseshoes
Welp, first thing I’m a gonna do it kick him in the butt! Dang fool mad us all look like a bunch of jackasses!

And you Donny-Paul! What’chew gonna down when Bush gets to Crawford?!

SHOOT! First thing I’m gonna do is pack up that Cindy Sheehan and kick that Yankee on outta here! Ah think I’d like to take that out militia-style an clear out all of these Yankees out of da Republic of Texas. …Dang Yankees!

C’mon Leon…let’s get back to the toilet-seats…

Thankee y’all! You see Frizzie! Most Texians are excited about gettin’ rid-a Yankee’s and da Mexicans, them depraved ho-mo-sexuls and them Jewwz and them nappy-haired colerds. We’d been havin’ the opportunity of a life-time here an we ain’t a-gunna screw it all up like we did back in the 1800’s!

Lemme read something to you Frizzie!

Excuse me Jo-Beth, are you telling me that you can read?

Why shore I can! My Mammy taught me when I was 18! So now listen to this Frizzie… This what us Texians are gonna be looking at come tomorrah…

Redneck DogWe are open-minded, but our goal is not to sink into the depraved clinicism of modernity or its equally repugnant cousin, the moral neutrality of post-modernism: giving up on rationality itself. Our belief is that diversification of central command provides for more power in local government, and thus competition between different sets of laws. We’ll see who comes out ahead, when we can each have a chance to live by our unique codes of values.

So as you can see Frizzie…We’re all gonna be a whole lot happier once we finally become free Texians!

Something else to note while we set up our country of heterosexual white-only pure-blooded Texians…thar’s a huge movement going on to begin to finally celebrate those State…err.. Republic of Texas holidays! So, Ah brought alongalistofnewholidaysthatyouprolly never heard of!

KKK

To promote the celebration of Texas Honor Days: Lamar Day, January 26; Texas Statehood Day, February 19; Texas Independence and Flag Day, March 2; Alamo Heroes Day, March 6;Goliad Heroes Day, March 27; San Jacinto Day, April 21; Texian Navy Day, the third Saturday of September; Gonzales Day, October 2; Stephen F. Austin’s Birthday, November 3, and Founders Day, November 6.

So as you can see Frizzie! We’z gonna be just fine down here as Texians and we feel we’ll be loads better without the rest of the United States!

Thank you Jo-Beth, great story.

Lady AnchorWe’d like to thank the people of Texas for their rich and albeit pathetic history. I’m sure I would be in the majority by saying the United States won’t miss Texas…er “Texians” Just as we are certainly not going to be missing that horribly embarrassing George W Bush.

And I’d like to thank y’all…err…Thank you all for watching FFN news tonight. My name is Frizzie McBee and this has been a news-cast from Fruit Fly News. Good night and be well everybody!

The Fruit Fly