Mistress vs. Mister: Larry Craig’s “Snack on the Side”

He’s an I.T. Geek and he’s everybody’s favorite local bear. Let us all get to know David Phillips, one of many we’ll be getting to knowDavid Phillips who have allegedly had sex with Larry Craig. In this Wonkette exclusive, Phillips recalls a memory of years gone by at a gay bar in Washington DC where he was taken to Craig’s home and where they broke one of the Laws of Leviticus in a private residence’s guest room.

As we tiptoed from the back door to the stairs to the upper floor, as if somebody else was home, he turned to grope my crotch and brush my face with his hand.” The house’s decor led Phillips to believe that this was a married man: “The bric-a-brac with family pictures didn’t scream ‘old queen’ to me; it announced a woman’s influence. Still, we made our way upstairs.

Bric-a-brac indeed. Phillips continues with:

I let my eyes wander and saw on a table a small envelope, like one from a gift or a floral arrangement, with ‘Suzanne Craig’ neatly written on it. This memory,” Phillips insists, “I noted about three hours after hearing Craig’s voice again, the night before I saw a current picture of him and a good day before I heard of his wife in the news. ‘That’s who’s going to fuck me up if she finds out,’ I thought. As he reached for the door, he took a $20 bill from his wallet, shoved in my front pocket, adding ‘Remember, I can buy and sell your ass ten thousand times over. You were never here. Don’t try to come back here. You don’t know me.

This sounds like the familiar Larry Craig we all know and love. Shoving his personal authority on someone else and then trying to intimidate them into something he wants or needs.

Recall the police officer’s story in the MSP Intl Airport when after the arrest, Larry Craig:

At one point, police reports said, Craig handed the arresting officer a business card that identified him as a U.S. senator and said, “What do you think about that?”

We’ll see more and more of these gay men coming forward and telling their story for four reasons:

  • a.) it’s open hunting season for hypocritical Republican homophobes
  • b.) being gay and out of the proverbial closet isn’t a big deal anymore
  • c.) Craig’s homosexual lifestyle spans decades of closeted self-hatred and
  • d.) finding “celebrity” status by admitting you’ve literally fucked a Republican is worth cash.

Stay tuned everybody… There’ll be a coffee-table book published in a few years of the collected photographed works entitled: “All of Larry Craig’s Men“.

UPDATE: Howie Klein (Down With Tyranny) joins “Team Lucas” at Crooks and Liars with a video of alleged gayGiuliani In Drag Republicans in a photo collage put to music in a song called “Until the Boys” by Until December. It’s a snappy little tune – but it’s horribly disappointing they didn’t think to include Rudy Giuliani’s picture in drag. Brave New Films suggests the RNC include the tune in next year’s GOP National Convention in 2008. I have to disagree: Let’s face it – you can’t have a gay party of hot and hunky men without a drag queen somewhere within in the middle of it all acting as the emcee.

Howie also notes that the NRSC (National Republican Senatorial Committee) plans to meat gather at Sea Island, GA to perform oral sex on big money sugar-daddies because they’re so broke entering into the 2008 election cycle. The horror of this story is that the NRSC has told Larry Craig he isn’t invited to the suck-fest. Craig, burning up his election money on legal fees for his misadventures in the Twin Cities now has problems securing a legal team to file lawsuits against anybody like David Phillips or Wonkette for discussing this story.

FruitFlyUPDATE II: Zach over at MNPublius spotted a note on Examiner dot com (Minneapolis/St Paul) that Larry Craig is now using Denver Intl Airport to catch his connecting flights back to Idaho. We’re all so disappointed about this information. I mean, we’ve already sunk the money into re-installing new walls in the restroom!! What a waste of Minnesota tax-payer money…

UPDATE III: The Young Turks have now discussed this topic  as to keep the story with some air and their video is up on YoTube which you can see by clicking here.

Ugly-Date Night in Fredville, Utah

A total of four muffin-headed dumbasses showed up in Salt Lake City, Utah to kick off Fred “Hollywood” Thompson’s Presidential campaign: Brenda Caine, Byran Best, Grant Lynn and Jennifer Stephens. All of this information is true.

Wonkette noted the Salt Lake Tribune by entitling it: “Four Losers Show Up At Fred Thompson Event“, which I thought was hysterical.

After reading the Salt Lake piece thoroughly, I decided Sheena McFarland (the author) did a really bad job. Using the facts she’s given, I wrote my own story about these four “Fredheads” in Utah. I did change the names to prevent a lawsuit protect the innocent.

…What would it be like to show up at RNC headquarter office complex in Salt Lake City, find the conference room that was kicking off a presidential campaign for Fred Thompson — and find only only four people made up “Team Fred”? Read my piece and then go ahead and read McFarland’s version after your finished. Because I think the story should have gone a little something like this….

== = +++ ===

Fred ThompsonThe large conference room was bare with the exception of a giant sized poster of Fred Thompson on the wall. Beneath it, a table full of plastic pails filled with pin-on buttons, stacks of bumper stickers and mugs filled with ball-point pens.

On another wall, someone had made an olive drab camouflage patterned banner with the words “Go Fred! Go!” painted on it and a bouquet of balloons on each end. One table stood alone in the center of the room with a large technical-looking telephone sitting on it and one light was blinking impatiently.

Only four people were in the room, standing by themselves, none of them talking to each other. Tim Shepherd, Marvan Boode, Gigi Able and Shelly Nelson.

Tim: He’s the “smart one”. He booked the RNC conference room using his Discover card and ordered the cheese and cold-cut platters. Said Tim about Fred Thompson: “F… F… err…Fred Thompson just might win!” and then grabbed a Ritz cracker and began to nibble at it around the edges in itty-bitty bites.

Marvan, pronounced “Mar-VAN”, is the “toothy-one”. He loves Jesus and carries a Bible with him everywhere he goes.

Said “Mar-VAN”:

“While he was in the Senate, I liked his stance on the war,” Boode said, adding Thompson also fit his Christian values.

Nobody bothered to remind Mar-VAN Boode that Fred Thompson wasn’t a member of the Senate when the United States invaded Iraq in March of 2003. But it was heir apparent why he wasn’t nominated the “smart one”.

The two women of the quartet were delightful and perky.conference room

Gigi wore a snappy denim jumper with two very large blond pony-tails sticking out of her head with eyes the color of corn-flowers.

Gigi thought Fred Thompson’s announcement to enter the race was “wonderful”. Said Gigi said while gum-snapping on a stick of Juicy-Fruit:

“America has been on vacation all summer, and now [voters are] starting to pay attention,” she said.

She views Thompson as the only Republican who is strong on all areas, ranging from his anti-abortion views to talking frankly about problems with Social Security.

“He’s a solid conservative,” she said, adding that his acting experience allows him to better communicate with the media and personally connect with people through television.

Even though Fred Thompson has never been in the military, it was Thompson’s “military rhetoric” that attracted Shelly Nelson.

“Shell” as she prefers to be called, is quiet stand-offish and desperately tried to hide the Chunky Monkey stain she adopted right before the big “Thompson rally”. Being a former Marine herself, “Shell” has a firm handshake that’ll pull your shoulder out of the socket. Nelson hung around the snack-table shoeing away the flies and grumbling her disappointment in the low-turnout.

Armed with her eyeglasses case fastened to her belt to the right of her gig-line and a key-clip right behind her cell-phone holster on the left, Nelson swayed back and forth in her excessively-tight jeans and a flannel shirt minus the bra. Occasionally, she double-checked for text-messages on her phone and was heard muttering “Dang it…why doesn’t she call me?!??”

Speaker PhoneWhen Fred Thompson’s voice was finally heard the speaker-phone sitting in the middle of the room, all four of them came together like a campfire song. Thompson’s voice thundered throughout the chamber and said:

It’s time to be resolute and firm,” he said. “We face enemies who have no conscience and follow no rules.

Gigi chewed on a jagged fingernail and made mini-jumping hops. “He’s sounds so dreamy” she oozed. Tim immediately shushed her and desperately scrambled for the Mute button.

Thompson went on with his official “Presidential Telephonic Invasion” by reminding his faithful followers that he would be the candidate who wouldn’t just give lip service to topics such as the war in Iraq.

Nelson snapped to attention and held a statuesque salute to an imaginary general while Thompson spoke and “Mar-VAN” grinned as he pushed his red plastic-framed glasses up his nose. Tim, quietly slipped into the hallway for a Merit Ultra-Light and wondered if anybody even bothered tasting the olive tapenade he’d made from scratch.

Once the “rally” was complete and Thompson thanked his faithful followers, “Shell” grabbed her keys and headed for the table full of Thompson memorabilia. Deciding on a bumper-sticker, Shell left the RNC offices and climbed into her Ford 150, stopping briefly to notice the slight flat she’d adopted in the Michelin on the front driver’s side.

With a fresh stick of Juicy Fruit in her mouth, Gigi giggled and thanked the RNC office manager manager for the great time she had three nights earlier.

Within minutes after the meeting finished, Mar-VAN’s mom pulled up to the carport and honked the horn impatiently with two intoxicated Italian men passed out in the back seat of the Mustang convertible.

Feeling refreshed and invigorated, Tim settled the bill at the front desk and left with his rolled-up Fred Thompson poster under his arm. Once inside his beat-up Volvo, Tim turned up the radio, as his favorite song “Don’t you, forget about me” had just started.

FruitFly 6Once out on the boulevard and into the starry night, Tim could be heard above the speakers shouting: “Hey Hey Heyyyyy! Oooooooo-woah!!!!”

Found on under a paintcan

I’ve been annoying a few fruit bowls in the kitchen and on thePaintcan dining room table lately. Being busy means that your blog sucks, but that’s what happens anyway. In the meantime the world continues to go on with or without you and that’s just the way it goes. So here’s what I found underneath a paintcan; hopefully you’ll be able to live a bigger and heartier life because of it.

Yellow Ribbon

BILL’O (again)

Bill O’Reilly invites a retired USA colonel onto his show to discuss the Iranians who’ve taken British military hostage. Colonel Ann Wright answers his questions as they’re presented to her. BillO immediately jumps at the opportunity to point out that the retired Colonel has an opinion and an answer to the questions, and they’re not the responses he was hoping to hear. Typical of BillO, he attacks the woman verbally, and then he cuts her mike and holds her image muted while he squirms with delight that he gets to have the last word. Please don’t be squeemish: Go on ahead and watch the video, it’s about 3 minutes long and you get the idea that Colonel Wright has been punked.

Why anybody would even want to be on televison with BillO? Perhaps Colonel Wright deserves the embarrassment.

On the other hand: I do have to admire people like Bill O’Reilly; it’s stunning how well he demostrates his ability to Support Our Troops.

Monica-Gate version 2.0

Monica Goodling, a US Dept of Justice official is the liason between the Oval Office and US Attorney General’s office. She’s also a product of Regent University, that’s Pat Robertson and the 700 Club. So it’s safe to say that she’s really a liason between all three offices.

Two weeks ago, while the Gonzalez Lying to Congress case was just getting altitude in the media, Ms. Goodling was quick to aquire an attorney who was even quicker to tell the media that Ms. Goodling was planning on pleading the 5th Amendment.

“The potential for legal jeopardy for Ms. Goodling from even her most truthful and accurate testimony under these circumstances is very real,” said the lawyer, John Dowd.

Hrmm…What’s wrong with this picture?! Oh that’s right! Goodling’s attorney forgot! You can’t claim the 5th Amendment right to avoid indicting someone else. You can only plead the 5th to avoid incriminating yourself!(These Regent University students, they’re dumber after they graduate than they were before they were assigned a dorm room!)

House Judiciary Chairman John Conyers (D-MI) and Sub-Committee Chairwoman Linda Sanchez (D-CA) had a short meet-n-greet today and fired off a letter explaining the rules to Goodling and her attorney.

As McJoan of DailyKos pointed out; the Republicans weren’t always so keen on that option of pleading the 5th. But of course, the 5th Amendment was only included in the US Constitution for the convenience of Republicans!

Bush lies to the people of the United States (again)Bush knew

Aravosis, quickly becoming on of my favorite people on the Internet points out the obvious. In today’s speech to the U.S., Bush complained bitterly about how the Democrats in Congress shouldn’t be meddling in the affairs of war, giving him a bill filled with “pork”, blah blah blah.

But interesting is that Bush stated that the surge in troops was at the request of the generals on the ground in Iraq. And it’s Aravosis who points out that this is a bold-faced lie:

Bush just spoke to the nation, trying to convince the public to support his Iraq quagmire, and he claimed again that the surge, the escalation, was the idea of his commanders in the field, and he’s just following their advice.

In fact, all of the Joint Chiefs, the heads of the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines, ALL opposed the surge.

In fact, everybody from the people in Iraq (including Maliki himself) have expressed their opposition to a surge in troops. The American people voted against anymore of this crap in Iraq, the Iraq Study Group has opposed anymore meddling in this Iraqi Civil War (that Bush started) and Congress have all expressed opposition to any continuance in this war of his.

Aravosis nails the last spike into the coffin with this tidbit:

And remember, it was just a few months ago, that the commanders on the ground were SO opposed to the surge that Bush came out and said, for the first time, that he WOULDN’T listen to commanders on the ground anymore.

Sweedish couple to name their newborn child “Metallica”

Michael and Karolina Tomaro are in a fight for their right to name their newborn baby girl “Metallica” after the legendary rock band. The Sweedish government’s tax office has refused to let them name the child with such an ugly moniker.

Lower office authorities have backed the couple’s right to name their child anything they want, however the Sweedish National Tax Board has refused to register the name. What’s even more bizarre about the story is that:

The couple was backed by the County Administrative Court in Goteborg, which ruled on March 13 that there was no reason to block the name. It also noted that there already is a woman in Sweden with Metallica as a middle name.

I love this story so much because I’m thinking about Mr. and Mrs. Frank Zappa naming their kid Moon Unit. In the phone book, you have to look up “Zappa, Moon Unit.” And here comes a listing for “Tomaro Metallica”.

I wonder what they’ll name their next kid. “Flock of Seagulls”? “Imperial Drag”? Oh! Oh! Let me!! Let me!

ehem: “Barenaked Ladies”!

Mormons to Cheney: Even we hate you now

Just back in December, I found the article discussing the fact that Southern Methodist University had told the Bush Administration that they will not allow the “Bush Library” to be built on their campus. SMU, Laura (“Pickles”) Bush’s alma matre, has been approached by the White House with the current Adminstration looking for an appropriate place to house massive amounts of quality editions of “My Pet Goat. SMU, not willing to be the embarrassment of academia by allowing the Bush Legacy to be a pox on their campus, has told the White House that they’re certainly not too interested in the prospect.

Now, Wonkette points to the fact that yet another religious university has begun to object to Darth Vader, the Vice President of the United States, from visiting their campus.

Brigham Young University, the fake college where kids from the Church of Jesus of Latter Day Saints can go to receive their worthless degree without ever having to be exposed to a single idea contrary to their upbringing, has apparently inched itself closer to reality: they know Vice President Dick Cheney is an evil vampire hellbent on conquering the earth and eating our children.

To quote Wonkette’s quote who quoted:

The private university, which is owned by the Mormon church, has “a heavy emphasis on personal honesty and integrity in all we do,” said Warner Woodworth, a professor at BYU’s business school. “Cheney just doesn’t measure up.”

Romney Family PhotoI think the Mormon church has finally shown their trump card: Buying the presidency via Mass Governor Mitt Romney makes it all the more important that they distance themselves from The Bush Co as quickly as possible.

It’s fascinating how quickly Jesus can hate you these days. There used to be a time when Jesus loved the Bush Administration. Now they’re treated like .. ehem “a leper”.

I think John Smith would probably turn over in his grave if he knew his disciples were acting like ordinary Christians.