What’s in a Title? “Killing Spiders with My Shoe”

Attracting the attention of that half of the bloggosphere who’d rather read other people’s blogs than maintain one of their own, requires a little bit of skill.  Flies to sugar-water, bees to honey, if you will.  Step one is to come up with a decent-sounding title for the blog-entry by duping the Blog-Reader to actually pay attention to what you have to say.

Confused?  You might say:

“Fruit!  Oh Snap, Girlfriend!! …What the Hell are you talking about?!”

…And I would have to point to those Communists over at Red State who’s titled a blog entry with this piece:

DNC Chair and Obama lose two council seats in their backyard

Sounds ominous, no?! It’s like: “Uh oh… Who jumped “Team Obama”?!” …and you’re thinking the worst!

Phhh…. Sucker! We’re talking about Redstate, silly! These are “con-servatives”! These people have nothing left but hope (that they can get you to believe their bullshit)!

Who was it that “Obama and the DNC Chair” lost from their backyards?!? From the conservative Jim Geraghty over at National Review:

Boy, how long has it been since I’ve been able to report good news on an election night for Republicans? With results from 26 out of 26 precincts, and absentees included, Republican Frank Fannon and GOP-endorsed independent Alicia Hughes appear to have won seats on the Alexandria City Council. The Democrats will still control a majority of four out of six seats, but this is a couple rippes of red in a deep blue community in a purple state – the best news for local Republicans in a long time.

Wow! Really? This is the **BEST** news for local Republicans in a long time?!

The GOP has won two seats on the city council of Alexandria, Virginia and this is the best news for the Republican party in a long time?  This equals a blog title that says:

DNC Chair and Obama lose two council seats in their backyard?

WOW! How far as the GOP fallen?!

Moe Lane, author of the Redstate blog entry “hits a home-run and wins the pie-eating contest at the county fair” with the follow-up:

But the implications are bigger. Barack Obama won this county 72-27. Senator Mark Warner is from Alexandria. Democratic National Committee Chair Tim Kaine is the Governor of Virginia.

Barack Obama lost today. The Democratic National Committee lost today.

Oh snap!  Color me fuschia and watch me quiva..!

Did they “lose” a 25-year well established US Senator from Pennsylvania today?!  Did they “lose”  another major set-back in a run-off race in Minnesota?

It gets way better.

Mike DeVine, a proud member of Redstate leaves a comment that reads this title:

Is the NCNA listening? Obama is vulnerable now! Let’s

lead NOW from a position of strength rather than go searching for what we stand for on a wussie tour

The NCNA he references is the brand-new organization old-GOP goats have tried to cobble together and effort to re-brand the GOP into something coherent to the American public. Mike “Gamecock” DeVine is pulling for the “National Council for a New America“; a group of Republican clowns that met just last weekend at a pizza joint in Arlington, Virginia.

(Hint: Jeb Bush (R-FL), Eric Cantor (R-Who Cares?) and Mitt Romney (R-Gay Marriage) showed up for pepperoni-pie and then begged Sarah Palin (R-Moose Killer) to join after Boss Limbaugh (R-Pigboy) demanded it from them.)

Is Obama really “volnerable” now?!

Is it really “time to pounce”?!

Hoping to avoid that “Wussie-Tour”?!

It’s a train-wreck of a political party. When I was a child, I was responsible for weeding the garden. Pulling weeds from between the carrots, potatoes, the corn and the strawberry plants was my responsibility. Each subsequent summer season, I felt more and more sympathy for the invading weeds:

They’re just struggling along with the rest of us… Now where is my PB and J Sandwich?!

But that was when I was a child

It’s sad watching a national political party die, seriously. They had their fame – their glory. They had their “Big Hey Day!”. It’s bittersweet watching them fall-off their bicycles without their helmets.  For sixteen-odd years, this is the same political party was thrilled to jump in my face to remind me that their God, and Lord Jesus Christ hated me because I’m gay.  I didn’t support that Iraq War and they claimed that I was being “un-patriotic”.  I didn’t support Bush’s policies towards torture and I was “un-American”.

Today, it’s like having a shoe in your left hand and a can of Raid in your right and taking the time out seconds before you decide the demise of the ominous arachnid crawling on the cement block-wall of your unfinished basement…. The spider stops just for a moment, hiding behind a broom handle and the vaccuum cleaner – and you simply can’t decide how the insect’s life should end:

Shoe? Raid?  They’re just strugglign along with the rest of us…  Chemicals or squish?!?

[WHACK!!]

Now where’s my PB and J Sandwich?!

Hey!  This is easy..!  I just need to work on my blog titles and I could be more popular than Redstate!!

Bob Ragsdale of Princeton, MN is an Idiot!!

Do you remember your history books?  I remember learning about brave and courageous Americans who fought and died for our freedom and liberties, don’t you?

Our grandfathers and uncles stormed the beaches in Normandy, and they kicked the Germans back into the interior of France.  Talk about brave!  Facing a hailstorm of bullets and while their fellow soldiers were dying, brutally, all around them – they fought on.

Or, they were on the other theater – over in the Pacific.  Holy crap!  I was stationed on Guam as an airman and the stories the Guamanian people would tell me.  The Japanese were ruthless animals to the Pacific Islanders.  How those Islanders cheered as they saw our grandfathers and our uncles flying in B-17G Flying Fortresses and P-51 Mustangs flying over their tiny coconut island:  “The Americans are here!  The Americans are here!”

Who could forget the bravery our soldiers showed when the Americans stormed the unapproachable beaches of Iwo Jima.  I sobbed, terrified for the first 30 minutes while I watched Saving Private Ryan – absolutely stunning.

My question is: What has happened to all of these Right Wing Republicans that has turned them into terrified whining little toddlers?  What’s made them so terrified now – when you consider what our grandfathers and uncles faced back in the day??!  Michele Bachmann, the Queen of Horror, opens her mouth and stupid things come tumbling out of it.  And it causes terrified little weasels like Bob Ragsdale of Princeton, MN to write a letter to the Minneapolis Star Tribune that reads

Swine flu and other government plots

Part I:

If the Democrats get a filibuster-proof majority in the U.S. Senate, here’s what we will soon have:

Part II:

Mandatory reeducation camps where our youth will be taught sex education and birth control. The government kicking down doors and seizing assault rifles from law-abiding citizens. Heterosexual marriage disappearing; three-way marriages and marriage with animals soon appearing. George Will required to wear blue jeans. And, by the way, Michele Bachmann is right: It is no accident that a swine flu outbreak occurred when liberals were in power. Liberals know that there’s nothing like a pandemic to endear people to big government. …

If you think I am making this stuff up, listen to what Michele Bachmann, Glen Beck, Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh are saying.

Am I wrong in my assessment of Mr. Ragsdale here?  Nothing but a whiny, terrified little school girl…

What’s shameful in this country is that they won’t let the gays and lesbians serve in the US Military because it would be disruptive and our service men and women wouldn’t be able to depend on their gay and lesbian counter-parts.  And yet, this Asshat from Princeton, MN would be allowed to serve if he wanted.  This lilly-livered jackass would be “dependable”?   I’m guessing Bob Ragsdale can’t go to sleep without the light being turned off and the closet door left wide open!

…And what’s up with George Will wearing blue jeans?!

What a bunch of whiny, terrified idiots…  Who believes this kind of junk, anyway?

Okay Mr. Ragsdale – it’s time I let you in on a few secrets that I’m not supposed to make public.  And I’m sure I’ll get a phone call before sunset today scolding me for even telling you what I’m about to tell you.

You see, Mr. Ragsdale – you’re absolutely right.  As an official member of the Board of Directors, which has a direct over site of the mythical Gay Agenda, it’s about time we start being a lot more public about our plans for people just like you there in Princeton, MN.  Because you’re either going to learn all of this eventually.

Not only are there plans in the works for 3-member marriages, but current hetersexuals in this country are included in The Plan as well.  People like you Mr. Ragsdale, will be rushed through a courtroom near you and given an instant legal divorce from an attorney who has a Haitian law degree.  Once you’ve been legally divorced from your wife, you will be trucked, along with all of the other formerly married men in your area over the border into Iowa where you will be forced into a shotgun marriage in a Baptist church of our choice.  Furthermore, you will be required to become married to the neighbor’s goat with the full blessings of the Holy Sanctity of Marriage from a forced Baptist minister.

You’re only half-right about “re-education camps” for Minnesota’s children.  You see, under the Gay Agenda, children under the age of twelve will be forced into cross-dressing school uniforms where they’ll be taught to kiss each other of the same sex.  For example, your son – if he’s under the age of twelve, will be sent to school wearing a girls’ school uniform and taught how to French-kiss all of the other boys in the classroom.  Our schools will be strictly policed by jackbooted topless lesbians who will carry a crop whip and needlessly wearing a leather patch over one eye.

Those “re-education” camps aren’t really “education”.  We have plans to spend your childrens’ summer months in sweat-shops where they’ll be forced to sleep with Catholic priests who’s charges on pedophilia have been dismissed.  (That’s my department, by the way… I’m in charge of  programs like”Summertime Fun in Bed With Father Lupe’!”)

Girls over the age of twelve, including your wife, your Mom, your aunts and all  your sisters, will be drafted and forced to serve 15 years in the Lesbian Liberation Army where they’ll be trained to serve as High Priestesses and eventually learn to serve the Great Lesbian Bitch Goddess for the rest of their lives.  They’ll be artificially inseminated by gay men only, which increases the odds that we will no longer have to “chose to be gay”, but we’ll have whole generations of children who are truly genetically gay!

Meanwhile, Mr. Ragsdale – once you’ve completed consummating your marriage with that new goat-wife of yours, the liberals will escort you into the Homosexual School of Higher Education.  As a new student, you’ll be taught how to safely enjoy the pleasures of anal sex.  All new students will start off with large black dildos, and those students showing promise and talent will be rewarded  with smaller white dildos if they chose. You’ll be enrolled in classes such as “Cross-Dressing Tips” with the fabulous Billie LaTease Austin.  During your free time, and there will be very little of it, you’ll be required to clean-up duties in the Lesbian Auto Body and Recovery Garages located in the rear of the schools.

On the subject of guns, because this has caused a great deal of debate every time the GLBT Oversight Committee for The Gay Agenda meets:  Should we trust heterosexual people with guns?”  It’s caused a great deal of controversy, so trust me on this.  I’ve sided with those who don’t think you heteros can be trusted with guns.  You Heteros are constantly shooting each other in the streets, and don’t even get me started on Dick Cheney’s Hunting Trips!  And let’s face it: If you Heteros keep shooting each other…Who will be around to keep the population-count up?  We, the Liberal Gays in this country simply need to take control of all of the violence you Heteros are causing and take away your guns, your bullets, and your spray-bottles of Windex.  (How long will it be before you Heteros crack under the strain of not being able to shoot each other with guns, you’ll start shooting each other with harmful chemicals like Windex?!)

Now I’m going to have to disagree with you on one point, Mr. Ragsdale:  Liberals are connected to pandemics because we need people to be endeared to a big government.  That’s just not right.  Because if you’re going to blame, as Michele Bachmann has, the swine flu being coincidentally linked to President Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter.   First of all, the Swine Flu epidemic of the mid-1970’s didn’t happend under Jimmy Carter, it happened under President Gerald Ford.

And like Jon Stewart on The Daily Show pointed out: If we’re going to be making coincidences on pandemics & Presidents: George W. Bush gets SARS and the Bird Flu, while Reagan gets AIDS and Ford gets Legionnaires’ Disease!  I’m compelled to think that it’s those Republican conservative Presidents who are endearing the American people towards an over-sized government.

Some of the other plans we liberals have for all of you conservatives out there – well, I could go on.  For example; since it has a long history of wars, deaths and disenfranchisement, those of us who are actively involved with The Gay Agenda have decided to eliminate all religous symbols, and get rid of all of those Holy Bibles you crazy Theists have buried inside of your matresses and hiden inside Mock Apple pies you’ve been baking.  We know where you’ve been hiding those Qur’ans, those Bibles, and we can eliminate a great deal of murcury particles being released into the atmosphere if we simply stopped burning fossil fuels and began heating our homes and our brothels by burning your Holy Literature.

Since your ministers and your priests will already be converted to Homosexuality by that time, the rest of you people, Bob, will make an easy conversion to “Everything Gay”.  Including that pinky finger that will automatically pop-out everytime you sip on a wine cooler.  We know where you live Bob – Just sit tight and the Lesbian Liberation Army will be banging on your front door anytime now.  And remember:  Once the Lesbian Liberation Army begins banging on your front door – it’ll be just a few days before some hairy-chested guy will be banging at your “back door”!

Ya, know… the only thing dumber than someone who’d write a letter to the Star Tribune that is this petrified, this stupid, this horribly intimidated – is the fact that the Star Tribune printed the piece of crap letter in the first place!  I can’t figure out who’s dumber: Bob Ragsdale – or the cartoons over at the Star Tribune who printed it for public consumption!!

On-Line Dating; The “E-Harmony” Way

Why do I get that sixth-sense that E-Harmony will never live down their homophobia anytime in the next fifteen years? Let’s face it: Dr. Laura tried and failed miserably, and whether Anita Bryant is turning in her grave right now or not…There are gay people in freaking Iowa that are getting married tomorrow. (Personally; I’m hoping Anita B is turning in her grave.   …Her hair getting all wrapped around her skull while she’s turning like she’s on a rotisserie…her burial dress all rotted away and a tibia has strayed — now it’s currently banging around between her rotted ankles inside that casket of hers…  But, that’s just how I roll.)

Turn, Anita! Keep on turning…!  Turn..!

…Grab your ankles and enjoy your tibia!!

When will these right wing idiots realize that hating “The Gays” does not produce benefits?