The Shame of the Republican of Texas

Good evening. Welcome to FFN news and I am Frizzie McBee.

In today’s news, the Republic of Texas has seceded from the United States out of pure embarrassment over President George W. Bush and others. The measure flew through both the Republican controlled House and Senate by a very large majority.

For more on this surprising move, we head on out to our political field reporter Jim Hatair.

Hello Jim! We’ve heard that Texas has always held that they have the right to secede from the Union, but is anybody shocked that they actually have?

Hello Frizzie and no there isn’t! The Republic of Texas, will begin it’s autonomy as a sovereign country beginning tomorrow at twelve noon and the rest of the people of the United States country couldn’t be happier!

With George W Bush’s lowest popularity in United States history, the State of Texas had decided to secede from the United States with a very bruised ego and very embarrassed (former) United States President.. With only 33% of Americans approving of the President’s handling of his job, his wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, bankrupt federal government, chaotic Homeland Security and chronic drinking, the people of the Republic of Texas have decided to apologize to the rest of the United States and take back their favorite Son back to Texas and leave once and for all. Since the President is too intoxicated to know what’s going on, he’s returned to playing putt-putt golf in the Rose Gardens in the back of the White House.

While it is correct that Texans have long held the belief that they can secede from the United States anytime they want, they’ve never really carried through with the threat until now.

Excuse me Jim! Frizzie here! Isn’t that belief just simply a myth? What I mean is; if a person got technical, any state in the Union could secede at anytime, thereby making the original Texan thought of secession being nothing more than a joke on their own selves?

Absolutely Frizzie, however – Texas has finally demonstrated that it actually could be done! You may remember that Texas was an independent country between 1836-1845. Mexico claimed Texas as their own until Texas seceded and went on their own. In fact, the Republic of Texas back then, even had their own Embassy in both London and Paris. Since Texas couldn’t manage their money and went into a chaotic bankruptcy, the United States admitted the country into the Union and paid off their debt. The ironyhereFrizzie is that back then, Liberal Blue State folks from the Minnesota, Michigan, Illinois and Maine watched these Rednecks err… Texans take nine very long years before realizing that they were incapable of managingthemelves and the Liberals offered to bail them out of their misery…Something the Liberal Blue State folks aren’t willing to do again today. By the way; it has only taken 5 years for the people of the rest of the United States to realize that this particular Texan can’t lead the country!

Texans, being too proud and ungrateful for what the United States has done for them back then, has finally realized that George W. Bush is the United States biggest acne inflammation of the face of the country. Even Texans have finally begun to realize the embarrassment. In the midst of all of this controversy, George W Bush hasn’t left the White House and continues to mumble incoherently while trying to get his golf ball into the giant dinosaur’s mouth.

Frizzie?

Thanks Jim, I want to turn now to FFN’s political analyst, Dick Dock who’s in Madison, Wisconsin to get a reaction to the news. Dick?

Yes, Frizzie and thank you. The rest of the United States seems to be very excited about this news from the opportunity to not only get rid of Bush, but also to get rid of the pathetic Lone Star State.

Let’s face it, Texas has the worst educational system in the entire country, second only to Alabama and Mississippi. It’s glaringly obvious that the people of Texas apparently don’t care about the problem. Yet it is a problem for the rest of the United States and here’s why; These poorly educated people get together, have children in their own trailer-parks, go through the same education system and the problem becomes a sort of a cyclical “social-cancer” reflecting on the rest of the population of the United States!

Barely 20% of the population even bothers to vote in Texas (Democrats that is, the Republicans aren’t lazy at all down there!). Yet the Democrats are the loudest cry-babies in the country!! For example, the Democrats in the Texas legislature had left the State out of protest and moved into hotel rooms in Oklahoma and New Mexico when upset about their Republican counterparts who began gerrymandering districts.

There’s virtually nothing to see in Texas aside from green swampy river in downtown San Antonio and the Johnson Space Center in Houston. The best city in Texas seems to be Austin, the only area that voters are obviously and solidly Democrat. And yet the town is filled with filthy law-breaking bribing, Indian-Stealing, good-old-boy-network Republicans!

In another perspective, with the people of Texas leaving the US and finally become their own country, it allows for a increased of respect towards the Federal Government for Americans again! For example, the United States can finally get rid of people like Tom Delay,Kay Bailey Hutchison, George H.W. Bush, Barbara (“Quaker Oats Grandma”) Bush, Karl Rove, Lee Harvey Oswald, Lyndon Baines Johnson and “Mommy Dearest’s”Joan Crawford.

Lizzy?

Thanks Dick! Ahhh… With Texas becoming an autonomous country again, isn’t there a danger that they’ll repeat the same fiasco they had the last time? If they’reincabable of governing themselves, won’t we be simplyrepe…

Yes of course, Lizzy. But, they’re Texans! If ever there was a definition of O. Henry’s idea of a “Banana Republic”, it would be Texas! Like the Mexican government, the Texas Elite could care less about the lower and middle class and expect these groups to support them and their ostentatious lifestyles! Consider Barbara (Grandma) Bush’s quote when seeing Katrina Survivors being given shelter at the Houston Astrodom: “Almost everyone I’ve talked to says we’re going to move to Houston.” Then she added: “What I’m hearing which is sort of scary is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. “And so many of the people in the arena here, you now, were underprivileged anyway, so this–this (she chuckles slightly) is working very well for them.”

In an other area the rest of the country is excited about is the fact that they no longer have to listen to stupid Texas idiots droning on and on about how they “don’t really” have to be a state in this country. Nor do they have to remember all about the Alamo and a bunch of other fairly boring bits of Texas history. Let’s be realistic here – the war at the Alamo versus the Battle of Little Bighorn! Even George Custer’s history in relation to the Battle is more interesting Tennessee’s native son Davy Crockett’s association to the Alamo!

Over all, the rest of the United States seems to be excited over the idea to finally get rid of the Republic of Texas once and for all. Now, Texans can concentrate on hating their own children and their own neighbors and the rest of the United States can finally move on without them. Lizzie, back to you.

Thanks Dick!

Finally, an in-depth look at the people of Texas, we’ve taken another minute of your time with Jo-Beth Stewart! Jo-Beth! Can you tells us a little bit about these former Americans?

Why Hi Shug!! Yes I can! First of all…We ain’t Texans no more. Let’s get that cleared up right nah. We’re gonna be callin’ ourselves “Texians” from nah on. Ya see? We’ve been mispellin’ “texans” all these years but we’re gonna be spellin’ as “Texians” from now on!!

Nah…I’m in the back yard with Leon and Donny-Paul who are playin’ toilet-seat horseshoes and they gots loads more ta-tell us! Excuse me fellas..!! “Hi again” Donny-Paul! Would you two answer a few questions for Fruit Fly News? Would you care totellFFN what ch’all gonna do when Bush gets home in Crawford tomorrow?

Welp, first thing I’m a gonna do it kick him in the butt! Dang fool mad us all look like a bunch of jackasses!

And you Donny-Paul! What’chew gonna down when Bush gets to Crawford?!

SHOOT! First thing I’m gonna do is pack up that Cindy Sheehan and kick that Yankee on outta here! Ah think I’d like to take that out militia-style an clear out all of these Yankees out of da Republic of Texas. …Dang Yankees!

C’mon Leon…let’s get back to the toilet-seats…

Thankee y’all! You see Frizzie! Most Texians are excited about gettin’ rid-a Yankee’s and da Mexicans, them depraved ho-mo-sexuls and them Jewwz and them nappy-haired colerds. We’d been havin’ the opportunity of a life-time here an we ain’t a-gunna screw it all up like we did back in the 1800’s!

Lemme read something to you Frizzie!

Excuse me Jo-Beth, are you telling me that you can read?

Why shore I can! My Mammy taught me when I was 18! So now listen to this Frizzie… This what us Texians are gonna be looking at come tomorrah…

We are open-minded, but our goal is not to sink into the depraved clinicism of modernity or its equally repugnant cousin, the moral neutrality of post-modernism: giving up on rationality itself. Our belief is that diversification of central command provides for more power in local government, and thus competition between different sets of laws. We’ll see who comes out ahead, when we can each have a chance to live by our unique codes of values.

So as you can see Frizzie…We’re all gonna be a whole lot happier once we finally become free Texians!

Something else to note while we set up our country of heterosexual white-only pure-blooded Texians…thar’s a huge movement going on to begin to finally celebrate those State…err.. Republic of Texas holidays! So, Ah brought alongalistofnewholidaysthatyouprolly never heard of!

To promote the celebration of Texas Honor Days: Lamar Day, January 26; Texas Statehood Day, February 19; Texas Independence and Flag Day, March 2; Alamo Heroes Day, March 6;Goliad Heroes Day, March 27; San Jacinto Day, April 21; Texian Navy Day, the third Saturday of September; Gonzales Day, October 2; Stephen F. Austin’s Birthday, November 3, and Founders Day, November 6.

So as you can see Frizzie! We’z gonna be just fine down here as Texians and we feel we’ll be loads better without the rest of the United States!

Thank you Jo-Beth, great story.

We’d like to thank the people of Texas for their rich and albeit pathetic history. I’m sure I would be in the majority by saying the United States won’t miss Texas…er “Texians” Just as we are certainly not going to be missing that horribly embarrassing George W Bush.

And I’d like to thank y’all…err…Thank you all for watching FFN news tonight. My name is Frizzie McBee and this has been a news-cast from Fruit Fly News. Good night and be well everybody!

The Fruit Fly