The Shame of the Republican of Texas

Good evening. Welcome to FFN news and I am Frizzie McBee.Frizzie McBee

In today’s news, the Republic of Texas has seceded from the United States out of pure embarrassment over President George W. Bush and others. The measure flew through both the Republican controlled House and Senate by a very large majority.

For more on this surprising move, Reporterwe head on out to our political field reporter Jim Hatair.

Hello Jim! We’ve heard that Texas has always held that they have the right to secede from the Union, but is anybody shocked that they actually have?

Hello Frizzie and no there isn’t! The Republic of Texas, willTexas Map begin it’s autonomy as a sovereign country beginning tomorrow at twelve noon and the rest of the people of the United States country couldn’t be happier!

With George W Bush’s lowest popularity in United States history, the State of Texas had decided to secede from the United States with a very bruised ego and very embarrassed (former) United States President.. With only 33% of Americans approving of the President’s handling of his job, his wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, bankrupt federal government, chaotic Homeland Security and chronic drinking, the people of the Republic of Texas have decided to apologize to the rest of the United States and take back their favorite Son back to Texas and leave once and for all. Since the President is too intoxicated to know what’s going on, he’s returned to playing putt-putt golf in the Rose Gardens in the back of the White House.

While it is correct that Texans have long held the belief that they can secede from the United States anytime they want, they’ve never really carried through with the threat until now.

News AnchorExcuse me Jim! Frizzie here! Isn’t that belief just simply a myth? What I mean is; if a person got technical, any state in the Union could secede at anytime, thereby making the original Texan thought of secession being nothing more than a joke on their own selves?

Absolutely Frizzie, however – Texas has finally demonstrated that it actually could be done! You may remember that TexasTexas Embassy was an independent country between 1836-1845. Mexico claimed Texas as their own until Texas seceded and went on their own. In fact, the Republic of Texas back then, even had their own Embassy in both London and chuckie monkeyParis. Since Texas couldn’t manage their money and went into a chaotic bankruptcy, the United States admitted the country into the Union and paid off their debt. The ironyhereFrizzie is that back then, Liberal Blue State folks from the Minnesota, Michigan, Illinois and Maine watched these Rednecks err… Texans take nine very long years before realizing that they were incapable of managingthemelves and the Liberals offered to bail them out of their misery…Something the Liberal Blue State folks aren’t willing to do again today. By the way; it has only taken 5 years for the people of the rest of the United States to realize that this particular Texan can’t lead the country!

Texans, being too proud and ungrateful for what thedino golf United States has done for them back then, has finally realized that George W. Bush is the United States biggest acne inflammation of the face of the country. Even Texans have finally begun to realize the embarrassment. In the midst of all of this controversy, George W Bush hasn’t left the White House and continues to mumble incoherently while trying to get his golf ball into the giant dinosaur’s mouth.

Frizzie?

Thanks Jim, I want to turn now to FFN’s political analyst, Dick Dock who’s in Madison, Wisconsin to get a reaction to the news. Dick?

dick dockYes, Frizzie and thank you. The rest of the United States seems to be very excited about this news from the opportunity to not only get rid of Bush, but also to get rid of the pathetic Lone Star State.

Let’s face it, Texas has the worsttexas children educational system in the entire country, second only to Alabama and Mississippi. It’s glaringly obvious that the people of Texas apparently don’t care about the problem. Yet it is a problem for the rest of the United States and here’s why; These poorly educated people get together, have children in their own trailer-parks, go through the same education system and the problem becomes a sort of a cyclical “social-cancer” reflecting on the rest of the population of the United States!

Barely 20% of the population even bothers to vote in Texas (Democrats that is, the Republicans aren’t lazy at all down there!). Yet the Democrats are the loudest cry-babies in the country!! For example, the Democrats in the Texas legislature had left the State out of protest and moved into hotel rooms in Oklahoma and New Mexico when upset about their Republican counterparts who began gerrymandering districts.

There’s virtually nothing to see in Texas aside from green swampy river in downtown San Antonio and the Johnson Space Center in Houston. The best city in Texas seems to be Austin, the only area that voters are obviously and solidly Democrat. And yet the town is filled with filthy law-breaking bribing, Indian-Stealing, good-old-boy-network Republicans!

In another perspective, with the people of Texas leaving the US and finally become their own country, it allows for a increased of respect towards the Federal Government for Americans again! For example, the United States can finally get rid of people like Tom Delay,Kay Bailey Hutchison, George H.W. Bush, Barbara (“Quaker Oats Grandma”) Bush, Karl Rove, Lee Harvey Oswald, Lyndon Baines Johnson and “Mommy Dearest’s”Joan Crawford.

Lizzy?

Thanks Dick! Ahhh… With Texas becoming an autonomous country again, isn’t there a danger that they’ll repeat the same fiasco they had the last time? If they’reincabable of governing themselves, won’t we be simplyrepe…

Quaker OatsYes of course, Lizzy. But, they’re Texans! If ever there was a definition of O. Henry’s idea of a “Banana Republic”, it would be Texas! Like the Mexican government,Beeyotch the Texas Elite could care less about the lower and middle class and expect these groups to support them and their ostentatious lifestyles! Consider Barbara (Grandma) Bush’s quote when seeing Katrina Survivors being given shelter at the Houston Astrodom: “Almost everyone I’ve talked to says we’re going to move to Houston.” Then she added: “What I’m hearing which is sort of scary is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. “And so many of the people in the arena here, you now, were underprivileged anyway, so this–this (she chuckles slightly) is working very well for them.”

texansIn an other area the rest of the country is excited about is the fact that they no longer have to listen to stupid Texas idiots droning on and on about how they “don’t really” have to be a state in this country. Nor do they have to remember all about the Alamo and a bunch of other fairly boring bits of Texas history. Let’s be realistic here – the war at the Alamo versus the Battle of Little Bighorn! Even George Custer’s history in relation to the Battle is more interesting Tennessee’s native son Davy Crockett’s association to the Alamo!

Over all, the rest of the United States seems to be excited over the idea to finally get rid of the Republic of Texas once and for all. Now, Texans can concentrate on hating their own children and their own neighbors and the rest of the United States can finally move on without them. Lizzie, back to you.

Thanks Dick!

jobeth

Finally, an in-depth look at the people of Texas, we’ve taken another minute of your time with Jo-Beth Stewart! Jo-Beth! Can you tells us a little bit about these former Americans?

Why Hi Shug!! Yes I can! First of all…We ain’t Texans no more. Let’s get that cleared up right nah. We’re gonna be callin’ ourselves “Texians” from nah on. Ya see? We’ve been mispellin’ “texans” all these years but we’re gonna be spellin’ as “Texians” from now on!!

Nah…I’m in the back yard with Leon and Donny-Paul who are playin’ toilet-seat horseshoes and they gots loads more ta-tell us! Excuse me fellas..!! “Hi again” Donny-Paul! Would you two answer a few questions for Fruit Fly News? Would you care totellFFN what ch’all gonna do when Bush gets home in Crawford tomorrow?

toiletseat horseshoes
Welp, first thing I’m a gonna do it kick him in the butt! Dang fool mad us all look like a bunch of jackasses!

And you Donny-Paul! What’chew gonna down when Bush gets to Crawford?!

SHOOT! First thing I’m gonna do is pack up that Cindy Sheehan and kick that Yankee on outta here! Ah think I’d like to take that out militia-style an clear out all of these Yankees out of da Republic of Texas. …Dang Yankees!

C’mon Leon…let’s get back to the toilet-seats…

Thankee y’all! You see Frizzie! Most Texians are excited about gettin’ rid-a Yankee’s and da Mexicans, them depraved ho-mo-sexuls and them Jewwz and them nappy-haired colerds. We’d been havin’ the opportunity of a life-time here an we ain’t a-gunna screw it all up like we did back in the 1800’s!

Lemme read something to you Frizzie!

Excuse me Jo-Beth, are you telling me that you can read?

Why shore I can! My Mammy taught me when I was 18! So now listen to this Frizzie… This what us Texians are gonna be looking at come tomorrah…

Redneck DogWe are open-minded, but our goal is not to sink into the depraved clinicism of modernity or its equally repugnant cousin, the moral neutrality of post-modernism: giving up on rationality itself. Our belief is that diversification of central command provides for more power in local government, and thus competition between different sets of laws. We’ll see who comes out ahead, when we can each have a chance to live by our unique codes of values.

So as you can see Frizzie…We’re all gonna be a whole lot happier once we finally become free Texians!

Something else to note while we set up our country of heterosexual white-only pure-blooded Texians…thar’s a huge movement going on to begin to finally celebrate those State…err.. Republic of Texas holidays! So, Ah brought alongalistofnewholidaysthatyouprolly never heard of!

KKK

To promote the celebration of Texas Honor Days: Lamar Day, January 26; Texas Statehood Day, February 19; Texas Independence and Flag Day, March 2; Alamo Heroes Day, March 6;Goliad Heroes Day, March 27; San Jacinto Day, April 21; Texian Navy Day, the third Saturday of September; Gonzales Day, October 2; Stephen F. Austin’s Birthday, November 3, and Founders Day, November 6.

So as you can see Frizzie! We’z gonna be just fine down here as Texians and we feel we’ll be loads better without the rest of the United States!

Thank you Jo-Beth, great story.

Lady AnchorWe’d like to thank the people of Texas for their rich and albeit pathetic history. I’m sure I would be in the majority by saying the United States won’t miss Texas…er “Texians” Just as we are certainly not going to be missing that horribly embarrassing George W Bush.

And I’d like to thank y’all…err…Thank you all for watching FFN news tonight. My name is Frizzie McBee and this has been a news-cast from Fruit Fly News. Good night and be well everybody!

The Fruit Fly

10 Responses

  1. How to increase the average IQ of America?
    Let Texas secede from the Union.
    Replace them with Puerto Rico as the 50th state.

  2. Honey (or should I just call you Shuggah?),

    You’re not from Texas are you? I would love to say that it’s been an interesting read but all I’ve gotten from it is that YOU don’t really have an understanding of Texas. Have you even ever been to my state?? Not that we want someone as belittleing as you here but as long as you dont stay I guess it’s all right. I love the comment about Custer and the Battle of Little Bighorn. Have you even heard all the Horrors that Custer commited to the Native Americans? And you’re PROUD of that?? At least Davy Crockett never made bridles from human skin, but wait I’m assuming you’re smart enough to know what a bridle is aren’t I? Now I know that You are, shall I say ashamed, of our President, but that doesn’t give you ANY right to start making fun of Texas. You dont like him dont live in the US, I mean I dont plan to be here if Hilary gets voted in (God Forbid), course I’m assuming you believe in God now aren’t I? “There’s virtually nothing to see in Texas aside from green swampy river in downtown San Antonio and the Johnson Space Center in Houston.” Now that really tells me that you are ignorant of Texas and the beauty of MY State. Now I realize this article was satirical and meant to be funny to some but that does not excuse the fact that it went beyond funny and straight into MEAN. If you are gonna (one of those Texas words I know) start poking fun at the President and how ashamed you are of him, PLEASE try to Keep Texas OUT of it. At least dont make fun of my state. Now let me say that if ya’ll wont be missin’ us and our economy by heavens mayhap yur rite we should become our own country, I’m shure some of us have learned how to control money. Just remembah Shuggah yourrah not welcome in My State and if you come even remotely close to me I’ll git me that big gun people always claim we’ve got and send some scatter-shot yourrah way. Me and My bad education will be leavin’ now Shuggah, dont bothah senin a rapli, though why you’d want to git rid of our universities is beyond me.

    Offended In (And For) Texas

  3. I’m glad that you feel proud of yoursef for this clever article. There’s nothing I love more than a Liberal with confidence.

    I just wanted to clear some things up:
    First……At the battle of the alamo, the texans (and mexicans fighting for their freedom from the Mexican government) were outnumbered a couple hundred to a couple thousand. AND…they lost. The Mexican government executed all soldiers fighting for their independence except one, the slave of Santa Anna. (he was kept alive to send the message back to the generals that they had lost)
    the phrase “remember the alamo” was what the soldiers yelled as they came back to beat the Mexican government in the following battle. So, the ‘remember the alamo’ story is one to remember the soldiers who lost their lives and to inspire the remaining soldiers to fight more intensly.
    Second…..it’s convenient to say that Texas wanted to join the union to get rid of the debt, but let us consider why the United States would even want to bother with it if there weren’t a good reason for having Texas on their good side….They needed our resources. And, the US still needs Texas resources to this day.

    Furthermore, Texas wouldn’t seceed because of a bruised ego….It would instead be because Texans have a pride stronger than any collaboration of elected liberals in the northern U.S.

    You can make fun of Texas all you want, but deep down you know that the United States is dependant on both Texas and the supposed unintelligent citizens that make it their home.

  4. You said:

    “You can make fun of Texas all you want, but deep down you know that the United States is dependant on both Texas and the supposed unintelligent citizens that make it their home.”

    I say:
    I have no desire to live in Texas. Been there – done that and Texas is still a crappy place to live.
    You’re public school systems are crap. Your medical facilities are crap (compared to the Mayo Clinic, MN, Loma Linda, CA and Johns Hopkins…Safe to say -Texas medical is crap.
    Your library systems are crap.
    Your state parks and parkways are crap
    Your soil is polluted and is crap.
    Your rivers and waterways are polluted and crap.

    So, if you’re admitting to unintelligent people who enjoy and live in Texas.. You may have a truth in that statement.

    Take back your buck-toothed Texas Trailer-Park Trash President Bush and hurry up and succeed. Please. And to the rest of the country a fucking favor.
    Have a nice day!!!!
    The FruitFly

    • “You’re public school systems are crap.”

      Am i the only person who sees the irony in this statement? Well done, fruitfly, well done!

  5. Nothing more then a mommy basement living loser sitting behind his computer blogging a rant. You dems have become so unnatached your desire to spew propaganda has become alarming.
    This is nothing more then hate speech littered with false statements, and nothing more then a waste of time. Truly this article belongs on the Daily Kos, home to haters, liars, and idiots.
    Next time you spout off fruitfly try writing an article with facts this whole article proved to me your nothing but a racist, liar and coward.

  6. You’re public school systems are crap. Your medical facilities are crap (compared to the Mayo Clinic, MN, Loma Linda, CA and Johns Hopkins…Safe to say -Texas medical is crap.

    Haha… What a joke, did you even bother to take a look at the medical advances that are going on in Houston? We happen to have the most advanced medical facilities in the entire world. In fact, nations have rented entire floors from St. Luke’s Medical Center just to treat their own citizens.

    Yeah, I agree that our public school system is defunct, but the fact of the matter is that education in Texas starts at the homefront. Which is exactly where it should be. Texans learn on their own, Texans are self made, and Texans gain experience from their surroundings learning to be self sufficient within their own communities. Everyone knows that there is talent in Texas. Sports, Science, Economy, wherever you look, Texans are their running strong because we are taught from an early age to adapt to our surroundings and understand the interactions of day to day work down to the systematic level. Ft. Bend County is one of the fastest expanding areas in the nation. Where there is declining economic activity everywhere in the US, Texas is still booming.

    It makes natural sense for someone to hate Texas, I mean, we come from good stock, we’re educated, not because of our schools but because of our own determination to better ourselves, and simply because we shoot our guns and drink our beers better than any other state in the Union. The next day we’re hard work curing diseases and ranching our cattle, your food supply, on the weekends. I mean, if I couldn’t do that… wait a minute, there is nothing stopping me or you from any of that. Go get educated and make something of yourself too!

    FYI: Bush wasn’t born a Texan; he’s a man in denial pretending to be something he isn’t. That is why our nation suffers.

  7. There was nothing funny or clever about this rant. It was simply bitter and juvenile. I love it! Keep it up. Everybody needs to hear crap like this. It does a great job of reenforcing the image of the left acting like preschoolers.

  8. […] about that all day today. LOL! Bush, The Unloved. LOL! Bush is in Texas, America’s “Shit Hole State” and all he has is Laura to convince that he’s wonderful. […]

  9. I lost several IQ points reading the first paragraph of this ridiculous drivel laden piece. Grow up. BTW, Bush is not a native Texan. In fact he is a damn Yankee.

    PROUD in TEXAS

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: