Secret Young Republicans training compound located!!

First photos are emerging from behind the enemy lines, where their nefarious indoctrination techniques corrupt the innocent minds of America’s youth and prepare them for a life committed to espousing Republican ideology that runs counter to their own self interests!

We all owe a debt of gratitude to the Democratic operatives that have risked their lives to bring us this first haunting photo:

Here we can obviously see a seemingly innocent piece of playground equipment that has been twisted by the right-wing propaganda masters into some sort of sick political metaphor…

Undercover operatives for the Democratic Party have told us that Republican parents force their unwilling children up the molded plastic stairs into the GOP’s “Indoctrination Machine.” These children remain inside for up to 48 hours until they are fully processed. The children, once they are completely transformed into a smelly mass of waste material, will eventually tumble down the chute behind the Indoctrination Machine fully prepared to carry-on the Neocon Agenda.

Said one Republican mother after her child was expelled from the Indoctrination Machine: “Oh, he’s still the little stinker he always was….” where she snickered and waddled away.

UNICEF, Save the Children and Sally Struthers have begun nationwide media campaigns to save these poor little children before they’ve become indoctrinated into the little GOP shit’s that’s expected of each and every one of them. So please: If you can give anything, please give to Sally Struther’s Christian Children’s Fund. Because Jesus, and only Jesus could love these little Turds.

I found it on Bartcop Nation… So it must be true!

FruitFly News: Scum, Scabs, Scraps and Leftovers

Good evening everybody, thank you for joining us and welcome to Fruit Fly News. My name is Frizzie McBee. On Tuesday, Dr. Robert Gates met with the United States Senate for confirmation hearings to replace Donald “Rummy” Rumsfeld. Second to question Dr. Gates, Senator Carl Levin (D-MI) asked pointedly: “…Do you think we’re winning the Iraq?” Dr. Gates, after a short thoughtful moment said; “No Sir, I don’t.” Meanwhile President George W. Bush, in the Oval White House, saw Dr. Gates’ answer and threw the bottle of Jim Beam against the wall and called for his limousine. President Bush was heard leaving the White House saying: “Who told that Longhorn Sumabitch to say that…I’m the Deciding..err! And I decide what he’s gonna say an’ what he ain’t!” Dr. Gates is reportedly doing fine with a laceration above his eye and small pellets peppering his face on the left-hand side. Vice President Dick Cheney was not on hand for comment.

In other related news, the Southern White Trash Association has named the Bush Twins “Drunken Prom Whores” for the upcoming 2008 Republican National Convention in Minneapolis, beating out front-runner Brittney Spears. Last month, Barbara and Jenna Bush, found in Johannesburg, South Africa, were caught smoking and drinking with a noticeably younger crowd of Yale Students. Partiers at the Fall Break Festivities objected to the First Twins attendance. Christine Franklin of Youngsown, Ohio said; “Oh-my-God… Look at her butt. What in the hell is she doing here? She’s like a geriatric drunken bitch. How old is she anyway, 40?!” Tim LeFavre from Boston, MA said to our reporter; “Oh my lord… First of all, the pink scaf with a brown dress?! Are you kidding me? And check out that ‘back pocket’ action she got going on. Carryng around one beer isn’t enough – she’s gotta carry a second in the pocket of her dress.! What a little bitch.” Pete Schmidtz of Bel Aire, California was over heard laughing with his friends telling them that while he was “‘Boning da Jenna’…he met three of his football teammates and the school mascot” who’ve been missing for two years.

Celebrating their 25th birthday in Buenos Aires, Argentina – the United States Embassy asked the Royal Bush Twins to cut their trip short and leave the country. Citing “security concerns”, the Bush Twins heeded the advice, noting that if their Daddy doesn’t have to listen to the Iraqi Study Group, then they don’t have to listen to the Embassy. Manuel Ortiz Calderra de Jesus Barillo, a hotel bellhop said; “Si…It is not good the Bush Twins stay. The last time they were here, Rio de Jeneiro suffered a barage of scabies. It was like the plague of death.”

Mr. Barillo added; “We’ll take Nazi refugees in this country…But we won’t take Bush! Scabies is a serious business!”

Brittany Spears has begun to flash her “cooter” in an effort to draw attention to herself. Feeling left out with Southern White Trash’s decision to name the Bush Twins as “Prom Whores” for the 2008 election, Ms. Spears has been hanging out with the lobotomized and inebriated Paris Hilton, now that Nichole Richie is in rehab. Leaving her newborn children at home next to an open oven door set on 450, Brittney shaved her cooter, plucked her eyebrows, braided her armpits and bravely went out in a micro-mini skirt delighted by the “free and easy breezy” feeling under her skirt was heard saying; “Now I know how Marilyn Manson felt during that one scene on the sidewalk in that old black and white movie”.

Meanwhile, Mary Cheney is having a baby and nobody knows who’s the father. Mary Cheney, a lesbian in a long-term committed relationship, defied everything sacred with the Republican Party by deciding to have a baby and raise it without a Daddy. “We’re calling it our ‘little miracle’,” said Lynn Cheney, the Vice President’s wife who has 5 grandchildren already. “We know she doesn’t have a father-figure for her baby, but that’s okay. There are millions of babies born into single-parent homes and they turn out just fine!”

Finally, we are happy to bring you an exclusive testimony in regarding the Swiftboating that’s going on in Forest Lake, MN. Since the story first ran last week, we’ve been inundated with phone calls and media hype everywhere. The Comments section has become clogged and the WordPress people have complained about the overwhelming number of hits that they’ve had.

One person who knows the “Stev Stegner Swiftboat Lamers” has come forward to offer her views on the topic. She initially has told the Fruit Fly News staffers that she wanted to remain anonymouse because she feared for her life. “Andy Meyers can be a real piece of work”, the source said. “But I want the world to know what’s going on in our fine town of Forest Lake.” For the purposes of anonymity, we will be calling our source; “Ms. XYZ”.

Ms. XYZ – thank you for joining us tonight! You must be very brave.

Oh thank you Frizzie. We all love you very much up here in Forest Lake.

How nice! Thank you for that. You say you know both Andy Meyer and Dawn Nelson. Is that true?

“Up until last year I was somewhat friends of Andy for about 6 months until I figured out what a loon she is. Dawn Nelson lives in my neighborhood. Andy is most definately a whack job who lives in her own world or right and wrongs. Dawn and her are extremely close friends. The fact the this stupid city voted her to the Human rights board is beyond comprehension.”

Can you tell me, is this the first time Andy Meyer and Dawn Nelson has tried these shenanigans before? It’s interesting that they’d pick on Stev Stegner by using teenaged girls and photography and…

What’s the most interesting is that this is not the first time Andy has caused trouble. Over a year ago she and a few of her teenage friends (she is about 22 by the way) set a local business owner up for statutory rape charges. Can you imagine the grief this bitch caused? The police investigated this and cleared the guy — he was out of town when this supposedly happened — in Andy’s apartment none the less. That wasn’t good enough for her though. She went to his local church on 11th Avenue and spread rumors and they ex-communicated him. This was a gentleman who from my understanding has been a huge financial support for the church. Boy would I lvoe to know what she said. It’s strange that she is a Jew but she goes to this church—which is not Jewish.

I don’t understand, why would this church let her…

And to top this all off Andy is spreading rumors at that same church that the people who live across the street are going through bankuptcy, losing their house, he is a wife beater and an alcoholic. Not one word of this is true and they at one time considered her a friend as well. If this is how she treats friends I would love to see what they she treats her enemies. Dumb bitch will cross paths with the wrong person some day.

What a piece of work! Tell me if you would; in the original St Paul Pioneer Press story, there were a couple of teenaged girls involved trying to set up Stev Stegner. Since she’s only 22 as you say, I can assume that the two girls were not her children. Can you tell me…

What’s really sad is she currently has custody of a 5 year old boy that has ADHD and a bunch of other things wrong with him. I’m not sure of the details but supposedly his teenage father lost custody and she stepped in out of the gracoiusness of her own heart (bullshit) to take care of him. I think she uses him to shoplift at the local Target. If she gets caught — what the heck — blame it on this poor little dumb <kid>. Obviously they would not arrest a retard. Too bad I don’t know the social worker or I would make sure he gets put into a better environment. I only know his name is Ryan.

Getting back to the who “Stev Stegner Swiftboat Lamers” team. Can you tell me more about this letter they wrote to the Forest Lake Times?

The letter you are talking is a “call to action” for the neighborhood to protest the selling of the land to the Duffy Development group. Dawn and Andy have been very vocal, organizing fund raiser activities for the Forest Lake Community Association (FLCA) and Mayor Terry Smith was their best buddy. He is quite creepy anyways but I’m sure they are loyal puppies to him and felt that had him in their pockets.

Unbelievable! And you mentioned that you’ve talked with the newly elected mayor Mr. Stev Stegner?!

On a side note I talked to Stev Stegner today and told him what I knew about her and to let him know that anyone who knows her is most likely extremely pissed off. He is not sure that the Forest Lake Human Rights Commission will look into this now that Dawn Nelson has been elected to the board. I would hope that the state one will step in and get involved. I feel very bad for his family and the kids who are in school. Thank goodness for the reporter who was smart enough to figure out the scam and turn the article around on making Andy look like the dumbass she really is.

Wow. I would have to admit, this is almost the worst case of “Swiftboating” I’ve ever heard. I’m stunned that Dawn Nelson and the current Mayor Smith don’t distance themselves out of fear of being investigated by the Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Aprehension, if not by the Minnesota Human Rights Commission. Thank you very much for your input. Is there anything else you’d like to say?

She is the master of lies. When we met she said she had her veternarian degree and worked at the Raptor Center but she was ALWAYS wheeling around town. Supposedly her mom is a district attorney and her dad some holocaust survivor that is FBI or CIA? Would that make him in his 80’s? Lies Lies Lies.

Thank you again Ms. XYZ. We can only hope that, Social Services, Human Rights Commission or even the Minnesota BCA will get involved and put a stop to these right-wing nutjobs. I appreciate your insight, please visit us more often and I sincerely hope you have a great Holiday Season and a very Happy New Year.

Thank you, Frizzie. We love you up here in Forest Lake!!

And, that concludes this edition of Fruit Fly News. Where we are constantly keeping you up to date with the most rediculous and pathetic people in the United States. I think it’s obvious by today’s selection; we’ve had our best show ever! My name is Frizzie McBee, good night.

Fruit Fly News: Thanksgiving Day In Jail

Good evening and welcome to Fruit Fly News, my name is Frizzie McBee.

In the news today we have learned that a human rights group based in the United States has filed a lawsuit against the US Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld in Germany. Under German law, lawsuits against any crime originating anywhere in the world, can be filed. To make matters worse for the former Secretary of Defense, the Center for Constitutional Rights has more evidence of torture in Guantanamo and the Presidential act of firing Mr. Rumsfeld in their favor as the same lawsuit was filed in 2004 and rejected.

Mr. Ratner plans to include the testimony of Al-Qahtani among other things to present if the German courts decide to persuit the case.

“Al-Qahtani was a man who the US alleged is al-Qaeda, who is in Guantanamo. The entire torture log of al-Qahtani over a period of two months was exposed,” Mr Ratner told the BBC.

Hearing this news has caused a great deal of excitment throughout the country with the most noteable question: “What is life like for prisoners in European countries?” For more on this, we go to our foreign correspondent; Timmy von Furstenberg. Timmy, what can you tell us?

Hello Frizzie! I’m here in Duesseldorf and I haven’t seen this much excitement in years! Berliners, remembering the war crimes of sixty years ago, are showing their enthusiasm that this man Donald Rumsfeld by having parades and a beer celebration called “Oktoberfest”.

That’s wonderful news Timmy, but about their jail system. Do they have chain-gangs? Are their jails more brutal than ours? Will Mr. Rumsfeld have to protect himself with a shiv? …say an old toothbrush where the handle has been made into a stabbing device?

No Frizzie, I’m afraid not. This is Europe! This the land of “über-liberals” who have no shame and to make matters worse; they’re socialists! Here, Germans love to go to jail! Many of them go to jail for their yearly vacation in exchange for going to someplace dangerous… say Disney World or Miami!

“The Donald”, as they’ve nicknamed him here will have no problems, unless he forgets his sunscreen. It does get warm here in central Germany.

And finally Timmy, if they did arrest him and he was found guilty of war crimes, do you know what jail or penitentiary he will be sent?

Yes Frizzie. Germany has a great big prison for all of those Nazi’s that were rounded up at the end of World War II. Most of those prisoners have died, serving out their own life sentance. So, that gives more room for Germans to go take their vacations, as well as give up some acreage for “The Donald’s” prison cell. I’ve been told that there will be plenty of room for him to play golf and install an Olympic sized pool. I won’t give you the name of the jail in German, but in English it translates: “The Jail That’s For Really Really Really Bad People and Those that Just Need a Vacation”. Frizzie, back to you.

Thank you Timmy.

In other news, Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) is calling for renewing the Military Draft. Congressman Rangle was quoted by saying; “ I have a great idea: Let’s re-instate the draft and write it so that only crazy Republican congressmen and women are the ones that get drafted.” Wouldn’t that be a hoot?! It would be just lovely to see Senator Elizabeth Dole in a “pickle” on a boot camp somewhere in Fayetteville, North Carolina.”

While Bush is sucking the life out of our troops with back-door drafts, extended tours of duty, and recalling grandmothers to return to military, all it took was Charlie Rangel (D-NY) to murmur about “the Draft” and the rich and wealthy dove deep into a vicious rant. Paris Hilton was quoted to say:

“Oooo!! Those horrible and nasty Liberals!!! How dare they insist that we ‘serve’…. We don’t ‘serve’… We don’t even know how to serve!! Duh!!!!”

Meanwhile, the Republicans are already building up their war chest to tar and feather both Congresswoman Nancy Pilosi (D-CA) and Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) with a coordinated effort.

“Two years of Pelosi gives a good idea of what four years of Hillary will be like,” said Tom DeLay [while picking out the drapes for his own jail-cell], the Republican powerbroker who ran his party in the House before he was caught up in a lobbyist corruption scandal. ” They are both committed liberals and we will make that clear to the American people.”

So, the expection from the Democratically controlled Congress will be simple. Nancy Pilosi will be stealing tons of money from Indian casinos, and rumors will fly speculating on Hillary Clinton’s sexual orientation because she’s emailing her Congressional pages. And in two years time Senator Clinton, Reid and Kerry give away Habeus Corpus again. This gives the Republican party plenty to crab and complain about the Democrats.

In other news, those Republicans who found themselves out of a job from the last-term election are busy with their personal closeted gay decorators. As Bob Noe, the GOP Fundraiser said; “Getting an 18 year jail sentance is along time! I have my needs you now!” Many Republicans are simply moving their office furniture and their files to their local penitentiary where they’ll await sentancing and transferring to the newly built “Republican Penetentiary”. Consider the newest Republican in Ohio that was slapped with a $139,000 fine and was given 18 years in jail. Tom Noe’s biggest expense was renovating his house in the Florida Keys. Of course, true to “Conservative Family Values”, Mr. Noe’s motto has been: “Spend tax payer money liberally on your vacation home, tell everybody that you’re a’ conservative’. The only people that will believe you… conservatives!”

Noe declined to make a statement before sentencing and stared blankly, his upper lip twitching, as his punishment was handed down.

Defense attorney John Mitchell had asked for the minimum 10-year sentence, saying that other high-profile criminals had received less time for taking more money. The lawyer also assured the judge that Noe’s offense “was a one-time crime.”

A speculative guess remains: That the judge heard the Defense attorney whining and hoping for a 10 year sentance and he gave it to him, but he added 8 years just for that trembling upper lip.

Nancy Grace and CNN Headline News is being sued by the Duckette family. You might remember that Melinda Duckette was grilled by Nancy Grace who all but accused her for the demise of her missing son. The following day, Ms Duckette shot herself in the head. CNN Headline News is keeping in step with the Rabid Right Wingers by saying:

“We stand by Nancy Grace and fully support her, as we have from the beginning of this matter.”

Alegedly, Nancy Grace called Ms. Duckette and encouraged her to come on the show, noting that it would increase visibility and more could be looking for her son. Ms. Duckette, unfortunately, was harassed by Nancy Grace and all but outright accused her of being the perpetrator.

Nancy Grace, who is a life-long careered prosecutor was asked how it will feel to be a defendant for the first time. Grace replied: “Oh don’t go there Sunshine…By the time I get done with the f@$@!!$$%^ prosecutor, he’ll be pleading ‘guilty’ for being a bed-wetter when he was 16!”

The warden of the Republican Penetentiary said they’ve built the facility to be co-ed. In the most bizarre fashion, we’ve learned that Nancy Grace has hired a lesbian to pick out the drapes for her jail cell.

Thank you for joining us tonight. As always, we appreciate your time and your interest. On behalf of the staff of Fruit Fly News, we wish you all a great Thanksgiving. My name is Frizzie McBee, good night.